Erin Szczerba

Getting Organized...Sort of.

2011-12-03T21:12:00.001-05:00

I have decided to take my own advice.

I am frequently asked, "How did you get the courage to start your own business? How did you know what to do? I want to do [something other than what I'm doing now] but I have no idea where to start." And I almost always answer, "Figure out how you can do what you love and get paid for doing it. Pray. Pray. Pray. Then take the next step." I find that most people want to know what the path looks like that will take them from Point A to Point B. That's just not realistic, it's also not very much fun!

Take into consideration this passage from Psalm 119: "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." Those that have been apart of the Christian culture for a long time know this better as the Amy Grant song: Thy Word
. Loooove it. I used to sing it while my junior high bestie, Jen, played it masterfully on the piano. Alas, I digress. I mention that piece of Scripture because as Master of the Universe, God already knows how we are to get from Point A to Point B and how the path will point our hearts and others toward Jesus for healing, freedom, liberation, and grace. I truly believe that no matter where Point A is (a lonely marriage, a hair-raising parenting situation, a bored-to-tears work environment, younameit)we are best off seeking God for directions to Point B (a joyfilled marriage with that spouse, a support group for parents like you, a job that you love, letHimnameit). God's Word to us is clear that we should seek Him first and that we can find Him in the Holy Scriptures. Also known as the Bible, for clarity's sake.

What He has shown me over the years is that when I seek Him, I will find Him, and He will give me just enough light for the next step. His Word is a lamp unto my path...not a GPS that gives directions for the entire route as soon as I enter in the destination.

Is this making sense?

Like I said, I'm taking my own advice: "Pray. Pray. Pray. Then take the next step." I've already figured out what I love to do and how to get paid for doing it. I am a storyteller at my core. I have told stories to anyone that would listen since...well at least since elementary school. I got in trouble for it then but I'm planning to get paid for it now. I have gotten to speak at several women's events and I have a blast doing it...as well as the discussion that follows. I had a lot of ministry connections in Colorado but now I'm in Austin. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to get new people to trust that I can tell a story, make sense, be funny, and inspire others when they've never heard me.

So, in taking my own advice, I have slowed down (my mind was racing with things I thought I should be doing) and thought about my truest desires. Here are a few:
1. To glorify God.
2. To be true to myself as God made me.
3. To encourage single moms and to help others know how to support them.
4. To go where He sends me.
I have prayed about the next step. I believe it is this: Find a Mentor. So, I'm asking around. Jen Hatmaker recently told me to "Keep your eyes
peeled...sometimes these connections are surprising and don't look exactly
like you thought" after asking if she would be available to mentor me. What can I say? I start at the top! Her words are wise and a good reminder to "go where He sends me". So I'm looking for a mentor and I'm also blogging. But you know what? I don't really like to write stories, I like to speak them. So I believe I'll be video blogging in the near future. Of course, this will involve outlining some stories, setting up a YouTube account, and figuring out how to record myself on my iPhone. But hey, that sounds pretty fun!

And then here's the goodie. Today, as I was talking to God about all of this, He reminded me that this journey should be about quality, not quantity. Anytime I have an idea that points to God and not to me, I know God put the thought in my heart. On this journey, quality means immersing myself in the Scriptures so that my stories are infused with God's stories. It means training myself to write, speak, and network in the ways known to be best practices. It means dedicating free time to it: sacrificing leisurely reading for industry/spiritual reading, sacrificing TV time for Vlog time, etc. Bottom line: I'm not going to get to Point B without a lot of hard work. And I want to arrive there because people were touched by stories, came back for more, and told their friends about me. I want to arrive there because I pointed people to Jesus and they couldn't get enough of Him.

I realize that I'm not going get from Point A to Point B overnight. Of course I want to get there overnight, I'm human. But I've traveled enough to know that the journey is sweetest when I let God be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Be a Self-Starter. Today!

2011-12-02T16:05:00.002-05:00

Does being single suck?

2011-11-30T22:24:00.001-05:00

Honestly? Sometimes.

But not as much as it sucks to be in one-way relationship. And not as much as it sucks to neglect important areas of life due to the distraction that is called dating.

I've been single now for four years and have done my fair share of dating. I never knew there to be so many "right" ways for a woman to date but one finds out quickly the opinions of those around her when she (stupidly) brings up the dating struggle. And I say "struggle" because it has been a struggle for me. Some women, God love 'em, don't struggle with relationships with the opposite sex. Oh how I wish that was true of me! But the truth of the matter is that I DON'T DATE WELL.

There you have it. The truth. I suck at dating. So no-for me, being single doesn't suck. It's the desire to be married and the so-called dating that would lead to marriage that sucks. (Don't worry, even I am getting sick of the word suck already.)

If you know me well at all or have read much of my blog, you know that I am a huge fan (it's almost idolatry) of Cloud and Townsend. I drink up their books, videos, and radio programs like water on Y2K. I adore them. And so when I was looking for a new book on relationships, I ordered Henry Coud's book How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. He says explicitly that one should not date for marriage, but date for dating. Certainly, he's not arguing for hook-ups and playing the field...he's saying that dating should be for getting to know lots of different people casually. Good, it makes sense. I tried it and got myself a boyfriend. Awesome honeymoon stage and then BOOM! it was over. Sadness, depression, and self-doubt ensued.

Pitiful.

I've been on lots of dates since moving to Austin 6 months ago (where does the time go? no really, where?) and I have recently decided to put dating on the shelf. First of all, I just don't have time for it. 9 times out of 10, the guy is not going to wow me and I'm sorry, but I'd rather spend those 9 planned outings with my son. Second, the anxiety that I felt while trying to talk myself into going out with someone that I didn't actually find attractive was killing me. I was literally losing sleep over it. See? I told you. I suck at dating. When I finally let myself off the dating hook, I felt sooo relieved! And do you know what I felt for the first time, like, ever? The peace from trusting that when God wants me to meet the one He has planned for me, He'll set us up. I'm not living under a rock, hoping that God will deliver Mr Wonderful via FedEx (now that's just crazy). I have a life, I have interests, I get out of the house and meet people. But good golly, I'll no longer be on the look out, hoping I'm coming across as "approachable". What a flippin' relief!!

So...I've been reading a fabulous book by the super savvy Vicki Courtney. In 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son, Vicki shares some sage wisdom. In the chapter titled Real Man or Peter Pan? she writes "...this puts a real burden of responsibility on parents' shoulders to prepare our sons in advance for the possibility of marriage in their young to mid-twenties. It is also our responsibility to raise them to "date with marriage in mind," rather than prescribe to the culture's mind-set that dating and sex are recreational hobbies." You know what? YEAH!!! That's right! Men in their 30s are different. They're fine with being single. And why wouldn't they be? They get everything without commitment. Shame on us.
Shame on them. Shame on their parents. Shame, shame, shame. (I'm poking fun at myself now)

If I'm totally honest here, what I truly desire is to be pursued by a man who has a godly marriage in mind. Simple. It is that darn simple. I have been sooo confused and hurt and baffled and deflated because I kept convincing myself that I didn't really desire this. That I desired something less, something casual, something...else.

Ladies, do you hear me? Does this resonate with you? Does it freak you out to think of dating with marriage in mind? Are you hopeless about the kind of men that are out there and available?

Please join me in keeping my promise to myself and to God that I will not settle. I will trust Him as Matchmaker. To put a little twist on that passage in Matthew: if He provides mates for the birds, how much more will He provide for us?

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

2011-11-23T13:06:00.000-05:00

Lately some curve balls have been thrown my way that have caused me to batten down the hatches on my core-self.
I'll try to explain without throwing anyone under the bus. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that a co-worker had been bad-mouthing me to other co-workers--frequently. She had no beef with me other than, apparently, finding me to be very annoying. (Join the club!) I was surprised. Not so much by her distaste for me, but by the blatant immaturity and lack of professionalism on her part. I took about 24 hours to think about the situation and asked God how I should respond to it. I wondered if there was something I needed to apologize for and if I should have a conversation with my co-worker. After reflecting and doing a little research into the comments, I knew I had not wronged her. I also knew that I couldn't control how she felt about me or what she said about me when I wasn't listening.
So I decided to continue loving God, loving myself, and loving others just as I had been but to be extra careful in loving her. It took a little reminding of the fact that God has defined me and if what He says about me is true, no one's like or dislike of me can redefine me.
Treating her with kindness seems to have diffused the situation.
But I had a sharper curve ball thrown at me after that. This one made me really consider what God is calling me to. Can I continue to reject the mindset that Christians in leadership need to "be" something in particular (namely sweet, positive, gung-ho, and perfect)? Do I need to stifle any cynicism or tendency to go against the grain? Will questioning Christian culture deter others from loving Jesus? Do I need to edit my thoughts at all times for fear of offending someone?
After countless hours of prayer and reflection, I am even more settled in my resolve that I will be who I am in Jesus Christ. Who I am in Christ is righteous despite my unrighteousness. Christ allows me to question Christian culture, to ponder authority, to go against the grain. Why? Because that's who I am. He made me this way for some reason, and whatever that reason is, whomever my life may touch, is up to Him. I am resolved to be authentic and imperfect and constantly moving forward in my relationship with God. I will go where He takes me but I will live to please Him, not fellow man (or in this case, fellow women). If I have an audience, large or small, I trust Him to use my actual life and lifestyle to minister His love, generosity, healing, and power to that audience.

Do you feel free to live your life out loud?

And on that note, I want to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving! :)

I didn't know until today that Jesus even meets my desire for dessert

2011-11-13T20:11:00.001-05:00

but now I know. Jesus guided me to Austin, then he nudged me over to Grace Covenant Church, and then by His grace I found my small group, and in this small group I met Karen.
Karen bakes gluten free and dairy free desserts and she get some of her recipes from Chocolate Covered Katie. Yesterday, Karen and I became friends on Facebook (which I thank God for)and I saw a recipe on her page. I clicked the link. It took me to Jesus' answer to my seemlingly-unable-to-co-exist desires for health and dessert.
I just made gluten free chocolate chip blondies.

THANK YOU JESUS!!

PS Jackson is gluten sensitive (more about that in another post) and I am dairy sensitive...so dessert is tricky for us.

Taken Seriously...An article on the Christian's calling to support single parents

2011-11-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

God blessed me through the generosity of his followers during the first two years of my single mom life. Although I sometimes wondered how I would put food on the table or buy Jackson new shoes, a generous gift would come through just in time. But--to be totally, embarrassingly honest--when I wasn't struggling anymore and I looked back on the situation, I wondered why some of my very closest friends who were quite comfortable financially never offered to help. I definitely don't hold it against them, but it helped me to see that single moms need to have the courage to talk about their fears and their needs...as this article tells us.

A Single Parent’s Call to Outrageous Faith
by Janet Whitley

October 18,1988 is a day that will be etched in my brain until the day I die. It's the day the judge pronounced that my marriage was irretrievably broken. I walked out of that courthouse a divorced single mom with five sons—ages nine, eight, six, five, and two. I was devastated. Although shattered, I didn't have to worry about finances because a settlement had been reached, maintenance and child support amounts had been determined. The financial agreement was generous enough to support us, and I would even be able to open a savings account and wouldn't have to work until my baby went to kindergarten. The first check arrived right on schedule and all was well.

All continued to be well until two years later when all maintenance and child support came to a screeching halt. What would I do now? My salary was $11,000 a year, and rent took $9,300 of that. I was a Christian and a member of a local church, but this began the scariest faith walk I had ever been on. Many times I had prayed for God to strengthen my faith, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect this outrageous faith journey.

There just was no money. I had to close the savings account and use all that money for food and utilities. Where would the money come from to meet the monthly deficit? I prayed. I cried. I screamed at God. I asked Him, Why? I was so scared. In my head I knew God would provide because I believed Philippians 4:19, “My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” However, my emotions couldn't understand that God would provide and that I could rest in Him.

In spite of my weak faith, God was working exceedingly abundantly above anything I had ever seen in my life as a Christian. In Bible study and Sunday school classes I was always requesting prayer for my financial situation, and my closest friends knew how really dire it was.

One night at Bible study one of the men handed me an envelope. I peeked in and counted five one-hundred-dollar bills. My sons attended a Christian school, and that year at Christmas the principal called, asking for the boys' Christmas lists. A church member and a local business owner called to ask for a list of the boys' sizes. With five boys, one of my biggest expenses was the grocery bill. Our pastor called to tell us that one of the church families was giving us grocery gift certificates for the entire year to provide food for us. God did Christmas 1990 at our house.

In each of these situations, God heard and answered by using people in the church to accomplish His plans. Single parents need Christians to surround and befriend them so that if their refrigerator is empty someone in the church already knows and has taken the initiative to get it restocked. It is incredibly difficult for single parents to ask for financial help. What an opportunity for the church to minister by providing single parent ministries to help in the emotional, spiritual, financial, and social recovery from the wreckage of divorce. This truly is the ministry that God intended when He said, “Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

Single Momming It (Really)

2011-11-03T20:25:00.003-05:00

The book My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas is one of my absolute favorites. Angela was a single mom for...7 years-I think. She shared her life openly in this book and in doing so, she helped me (and thousands of other single moms) feel encouraged, stronger, and like I was "normal".
During the first 3 years of my own single mom life, I had an amazing group of single mom friends. We were each at different stages in our journeys and I think I speak for all of us when I say it kept us alive. Unless you are or have been a single mom, you. have. no. idea. I had no idea.
And so...the purpose of this blog is now to share stories of our single mom lives. We all need a place to come to know that we're normal, to be encouraged, and to receive strength. I personally have learned some valuable lessons on my journey and I sure would like to share them in hopes they'll help someone else.
And really, I want to see single moms flourish. Our lives are happening right now! Our kids' lives are happening is fast motion. Let's live it up now!! Why should we wait for some life-changing moment (whether it's a number in the bank, a new job, or a relationship) to take some risks, trust that God's promises are for us, and live it up?!
I am convinced that God has an especially tender heart toward women like me. I need him to be so many things to me. My Provider, My Rock, My Fortress, My Father, My Friend, My Bridegroom. His mercies are new every single morning and his gifts to us are not stifled by our single parent status--as the enemy would have us believe.
Also, ladies, I am convinced that being strong has nothing to do with being independent. Let's lean on each other, come to terms with the desires of our heart, and live in the moment for our families. Don't our kids deserve that?
Okay, that cures my itch to put my thoughts down on "paper". If you're reading this and you're not a single mom but you know one (or two or three) will you please forward this on to her?
Thanks! May God richly bless you and reveal himself to you in a very real way.

Just go with it...

2011-10-25T21:25:00.003-05:00

Last year I was dating this super gorgeous, majorly hunky, good-at-every-sport, funny-at-all-the-right-moments guy. On our first date I asked him what his most embarrassing moment was. He said he didn't really have any embarrassing moments. That should have been a red flag for me. I proceeded to tell him mine (I might have had a teeny tiny bit of too much wine), which I won't put on the world wide web. He thought it was hilarious. But as time went on, I knew he was one of "those" people.
You know.
One of those annoyingly cool people. They never trip. They never snort at something hilarious and lose a booger. They try a new sport and pick it right up. They don't accidentally knock anything off the counter...ever. They're just cool. Cool as a flippin' cucumber.
I always wanted to be that cool. I strove for a cool factor. My friends were cool. My clothes were pretty cool. To tell you the truth, my mind is very cool. But my actions? My bodily functions? My coordination? NOT COOL.
Lately I have been recording my awkward moments. Of the ones I notice, I'm making a note weekly.
Most recently, I had an AM (awkward moment) at Jackson's doctor's office. There's a cute guy that works there and he's starting to know us by name (catching up on immunizations:yes, I'm that kind of mom). While I was waiting, I struck up a conversation with him. We chatted for a good 10 minutes with me standing at the counter and him sitting about 40 inches in front of me. Lah-tee-dah, nice n' easy conversation. Jackson and I leave the office, drive to the gas station and enter the car wash. I check myself out in the mirror and see this reflection:

Look closely at my nose. That is a round spot of dried coffee. Trust me, the picture doesn't do it justice.
That's right. I was chatting it up with the doctor's office cutie with that on my nose.
So here's to being awkward. I'm embracing it. Heck, cool is obviously not in my future.

Church People

2011-10-17T21:29:00.002-05:00

I went on a retreat this weekend. Boy, did I need a break. I got away with a group of people that I didn't know from a church that I don't go to. We went to a camp about an hour outside of Austin and we retreated. In another post I'll tell you some of the realizations I had about church retreats but tonight I want to tell you what I learned about church people.

First of all, these people that I retreated with were some of the friendliest people I have ever met. There are a lot of similarities between Denver and Austin but Austin beats Denver hands-down for friendliness. There didn't seem to be any cliques and almost everyone at the retreat (60 ppl) introduced himself/herself to me. I didn't have a "come to Jesus" moment at the retreat, but that's not really what I was looking for. It feels like I have a "come to Jesus" moment almost daily...what I was looking for was rest. And I got it. And you know, I also got some clarity. But again...that will be for another post.

We left the camp at noon yesterday and drove to Marble Falls for lunch. Seven of us girls sat in a booth and when our waitress came over and introduced herself, a few of the girls asked her how her day was going and she said something about not liking Sundays at work. She said that they were always slammed when people got out of church and they came in droves, were rude, and were lousy tippers. Oh My. And then I remembered what it was like to work the Sunday lunch shift at Red Robin in Santa Ana, CA. Terrible. The church people were horrible tippers. What was really weird was that I was also a church person. But I certainly wouldn't associate myself with "those" church people. Anyway, after our waitress left with our drink order, we all looked at each other in sadness. We had just spent a weekend reflecting on living missionally and I know each of us was wondering how we could minister to our waitress. We were all extra kind and extra grateful during that meal. And when our separate checks came, we all tipped extra and wrote encouraging notes on our little pieces of paper. I hope she was blessed. I hope it made up for the other church people.

Sometimes, when I'm having a stressful day or am just plain exhausted, I'm rude. I have a short fuse and let it rip on people who don't deserve it. My life has been radically impacted by Jesus Christ's saving grace but sometimes I forget. What a good reminder that I am in great need of forgiveness. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am made new. Anyone else needs a good dose of forgiveness?

Dreaming

2011-04-27T23:14:00.003-05:00

Holy Smokes, I'm Blogging!

Over dinner tonight, I decided to do a DREAMING project with Jackon (8). I asked him to dream big...as in "if you could choose ANYTHING".

Here are his answers:
Career
1. A Pokemon Trainer
2. A Pokemon Gym Leader
3. NASCAR Driver

Travel
1. New York
2. Chicago
3. Hawaii

Hobbies
1. Lacrosse
2. Harmonica
3. Making Paper Airplanes

Family
1. 1 Little Brother
2. 1 Big Sister
3. Step Dad & Step Mom

Languages
1. English
2. n/a
3. n/a

Serve
1. Give money to poor people
2. Get to know people and invite them into our home
3. Give people a place to live

Pretty inspiring, huh?

xoxoxo

2011-01-12T22:50:00.002-05:00

You know the old "guy in a boat in a storm asking God to help him" story? The moral of the story is that we need to trust God while we take action. Super!
I am being impatient. It's not pretty. I'm really trying to talk myself out of it every day. Sometimes it works. Others it doesn't. I guess that's normal. But I'd really, really like to be perfect.
I could really go for some chocolate cake right now. Sorry, just a side note.
I feel unsettled. Discontent. Dispassionate. Bored. (Fat-this one is ridiculous, I know).
But not always. Sometimes I feel directed. Loved. Protected. Valuable. Beautiful.
Mostly, though, it's the former. God's always doing this to me when I put something before Him. He IS jealous for me. Sheesh! No, I'm glad. It's just painful and annoying sometimes! Does He do this to other people? I mean really, I feel like I'm singled out a lot of the time.
Okay, so onto the fun stuff:
I got back on Match.com about a month ago. Met a boy, he made a good 1st impression, then a questionable impression, then I asked his intention and stated mine and he said we're on the same wavelength. He's out of the country until the end of the month, so we'll see if he makes good. I've met a couple of nice guys on Match but I think I want to meet people the old fashioned way. The online thing just doesn't feel good. I feel some pressure (from myself) to put myself on every possible avenue toward finding a date worth keeping so I guess I felt like I should be on Match and since I am really working on acting from my core self (where Jesus resides), I decided that I can find a date worth keeping with or without Match.com. Here's what I'm chewing on: God is sovereign...He knows my heart, my desires, and my future. He has a wonderful man chosen for me. My job is to follow His direction, explore my passions, and meet lots of new people. And as I'm doing those things, grow, think, and act with integrity.
That's all for now, folks. How are you feeling? Content, discontent, passionate, dispassionate, bored, excited?

Love Bites

2010-12-12T22:45:00.002-05:00

I have this thing. This thing that I do when I'm drawn to something or someone. Actually, it's usually a something because I am rarely vulnerable enough to do this with a someone. When I'm drawn to an idea or a hobby or a career path, I throw myself into it with everything I have. I go for the gold, I give it my ALL. And I don't look back.
This thing I do has made my heart vulnerable. I feel like I was invited to a wonderful party and then abruptly kicked out. I opened my heart to 3 people, invested my heart deeply, and the timing sucked. I'm surprised by the ache of loss that I feel. It's getting better, day by day, but it makes me wonder...
I wonder if this is just the way I am and will always be and that's what makes me special. Or if I need to keep my walls up regardless of what the person I'm in a relationship is saying to me about their intentions.
I'm kind of tired of being strong. Before I met Mr. Hunky, I was busy with lots of great things but I was settling into the single routine and I realized that I don't want to be so independent that I don't make room for a partner. So I got the courage to put myself out into the dating world and I met someone that I connected with right off the bat. I was surprised and excited. And now I'm feeling the loss of a companion...and the truth is, I'm made for companionship. I'm made for partnership. I thrive in that kind of relationship. But I'm really afraid of putting myself out there again.
And I'm just tired. George moved to Maryland 6 weeks ago and the lack of weekend breaks is catching up with me. It's hard doing this alone. Jackson is such a good kid and makes things pretty easy on me, but he's 7. He has his moments. Major moments. And it's tiring. I am burned out.
I have some great things happening in the rest of my life. I'm heading up Women's Ministry at my church and planning a retreat at the end of February. I'll be speaking at the retreat, beginning to realize my dream of being a public speaker. I'm getting really close to finishing my degree. I'm meeting awesome new people and developing new friendships. All this is great! But I can't deny that something is missing.
We've been reading through the book of Ruth at church. What a powerful and unexpected story. Ruth and Naomi were bold. They didn't sit back and let life happen to them. They asked for what they wanted and needed. It's been inspiring (that's an understatement!) to me--to not let the pain of this love bite keep me from boldly asking for what I really want and then going for it.
I doubt. I guess that's human. I don't want to doubt that God's plan for me includes a hunky man. But I do. Lord, help me not to doubt!

Growing Pains

2010-12-01T15:49:00.002-05:00

When it comes to pain associated with God growing me, I'm pretty adolescent. I don't like it and I throw a tantrum to show just how much I dislike the pain. I try to get out of it, to make it go away, to control it. I definitely don't consider it "pure joy", for Pete's sake!
The growing pains I'm experiencing right now are unwelcome. I don't like it. I don't want to grow anymore. Can't I just be "normal" like "everyone else"? Do I really need to be all healed and whole to be in a healthy, loving relationship? Why make me wait and do all this work, Lord?
*Insert self-absorbed moaning here.*
The truth is, when I recognized an area in my life that seems quite immature compared to the rest of me, I was scared. That's putting it mildly. Scared sh*tless is probably more accurate. I didn't understand how that part of me was so immature and unhealthy and I didn't know how to get better. But I was pretty sure it would need some healing before I could really move forward. I know it sounds dramatic, but I imagined that I'd never get better and so would never get married again. Talk about scared!
The good news is that I had an appointment with my counselor that afternoon. I told her what I'd recognized and we worked down to its point of origin. When we got there, I was so relieved because I could feel God's hand in it. Like He was saying, "It's all been leading up to this. This is the biggie. I want to heal you." I think I have a long road of healing, recovery, and restoration ahead of me. And while I am not looking forward to the pain involved, I am very much looking forward to the freedom that awaits me.

Watch this video cloudtownsend.com/videoserver/video.php?clip=cloudT1020

Is Needing Being Needy?

2010-11-29T15:33:00.002-05:00

I think it's safe to say that romantic relationships bring out the baggage--some pretty bags and some ugly ones too. Having been married, separated, and divorced, I have a different view of romantic relationships than other singles.
Enter: the issue of neediness. I think women have been trained to be independent in their relationships with men--for fear of being "needy". We think that if we remain aloof and uninvested, a man will want us more. So then what happens once the man has married us? Do we continue to be independent? Is that healthy for any relationship? Or is it good to ask for what it is that makes us feel loved and important?
I've been confused. So I started investigating the topic. Karl, the sage of relationships, stopped me when I described my behavior as needy. He asked me to go deeper into what I meant. When I told him that I like to feel connected to the person I'm dating throughout the day through phone calls and texts, he told me that it's okay to express that--that it's not being needy. I wasn't DEMANDING phone calls and texts, but I had expressed that I like them. Apparently, there is a difference. :) When I asked for those little tokens of affection, I wasn't going to be mad or sad if they were not given. That would be needy. Communication is so important in the success of a marriage, so why not start off on the right foot?

By NLM in Creating Boundaries, Help Lists, Marriage, Surviving Sexual Abuse | 1 Comment

5 Reasons Asking for Love is Important

Excerpted from “Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Why is learning to ask for love so important? Here are a few of the reasons asking is helpful for us:

1. When we ask, we develop humility.
To request help or support from another destroys any illusions of self-sufficiency we might harbor. Asking helps us remember that we are incomplete, that we are needy, and that we are to seek outside of ourselves to take in what we need. This creates the position of humility in us, which opens us up not only to others, but to God: God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5).

2. When we ask, we are owning our needs.
Asking for love, comfort, or understanding is a transaction between two people. You are saying to the other: ‘I have a need. It’s not your problem. It’s not your responsibility. You don’t have to respond. But I’d like something from you.’ This frees the other person to connect with you freely, and without obligation. When we own that our needs are our responsibility, we allow others to love us because they truly have something to offer. In other words, asking is a far cry from demanding. When we demand love, we destroy it.

3. When we ask, we are taking initiative.
Asking is the ultimate ‘Passivity-Buster.’ It helps us out of the trap of wishing and hoping someone will somehow sense our pain intuitively and come to our rescue. This also means that asking keeps us much more in control of our lives. We aren’t dependent on the clairvoyance of our friends (what a relief to them!).

4. When we ask, we are developing a grateful character.
God cherishes a grateful heart. He knows that gratitude will produce love in his people. Those who have been helped will help others. Those who have been loved and forgiven little, love little (Luke 7:47).

5. Asking increases the odds that we’ll get something.
Though it sounds too obvious to say, it’s important. How many times have you neglected reaching out to someone who is now absent from your life? Askers really do tend to get more out of their relationships.

What do I ask for? This is important, because many of us confuse function with relationship here. In other words, we’re not talking about borrowing a cup of sugar from your neighbor, or getting a ride to the airport. Asking for functional reasons is fine, but it will not help you develop relationships. In fact, it’s easy to avoid relationships by asking only for functional things.

Men tend to have a problem here. We’ll sometimes form relationships built on functional neediness. Sometimes this type of connection is called ‘foxhole buddies,’ where there’s a truly deep affection between two men who have depended on each other through tough times. Yet they may have trouble connecting emotionally.

Learn to ask your safe people for the very things you found them for: a relational connection. Learn how to ask for your emotional stomach to be filled just like you’d ask for breakfast for your physical body. Ask someone to be with you spiritually and emotionally, the same way that Jesus asked his closest friends in his darkest hour.

Sound difficult? It is. But asking for help will enable you to internalize your safe people in places of your heart that are darkened, alone, and cut off. Take the first step. Ask.

Well hello there, blog!

2010-11-14T21:34:00.003-05:00

I'm rusty at this blogging thing. It's weird to think about how my posts used to just flow out of me with very little effort. Now I have a lot of thoughts, but none I would imagine anyone else would want to read.

I've been a single mom for 3 years. THAT is really hard to believe. I was thinking through these last 3 years last night and realized just how "normal" my life is now. I don't really think of myself in terms of my divorce anymore. Not sure when that changed, but it did. And I don't really think of myself as a single mom--even though I definitely am. I just think of myself as a mom, a business woman, a student, and single. Other things, too. And I realized just how fast and furious my transformation was. God taught me so much about who He says I am and who He has designed me to be in that year from hell that I've been blessed with a couple of years of really being able to share my life with others and help others learn what God says about them. Sure, I continue to learn more about myself and God along the way, but I really am thankful that God knocked a ton of sense into me in such a short period of time.

I think I may be in a period of transition right now. I started school over a year ago, thinking I wanted to eventually become a licensed professional counselor. Then, after 4 psychology classes, I realized I don't have the patience for therapy. But I do love communication and helping people learn how to communicate effectively and understand healthy boundaries. But I don't really want to get my MA in Communication. I have two people working for my at Go Green Clean and am about to hire a 3rd, which is really wonderful. I'm enjoying managing the business and focusing on getting new clients. I'm also working part time at my old real estate company, just doing assistant work for some brokers. It's good to be in an office again, seeing people and socializing. But neither real estate nor Go Green Clean truly fires me up. For a very long time, I was reluctant to be open about a desire I have to be a public speaker. But a couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my very hunky boyfriend about this very thing and I admitted to him that there is something I really want to do but I've been afraid to say it out loud. I want to be in women's ministry and speak at retreats and other events about freedom in Christ, having healthy boundaries, and effective communication in relationships. There! I said it!

So now...what? Well here's a few starters: I am starting up Women's Ministry at my church, New Denver Church, I'm going to join a Toastmasters group, and I'm seeking wise counsel from a seasoned counselor/coach. Oh, and I'm blogging again. :) I'm really excited and scared about going down this path. Excited because I've had a desire to do this for years. Scared because I fear failure and rejection.

What's that? You're wondering about my hunky boyfriend? Okay, I'll give you a little scoop. In the last 2.5 years, I have had my share of bad dates and bad break ups. I had gotten to the point of not caring if I ever dated again. But then I really had to ask myself if I was okay with being single for the rest of my life--because, you know, if you don't date, chances are good you'll stay single. And the answer was a definite "No". Well, I guess I'd be okay with it, but it's not what I desire. So I bought this great book written by Henry Cloud titled "How to get a date worth keeping". It really helped change my perspective of dating from "I'm looking for a husband and I've already been married to Mr. Wrong so I'm pretty sure I know what Mr. Right looks like" to "I want to go on a lot of dates, meet a lot of new people, and practice getting to know people". Phew! What a relief that change in my thought process was! So what did I do? I signed up for Match.com, of course. In the first week, I was emailing back and forth with about 10 guys. Some I was more interested in than others, but they all seemed like decent people that I wouldn't mind getting to know a little bit. Then there was Mr. Hunky. He had added me to his list of favorites. I hadn't even seen his profile in my own searches. I instantly liked his profile and wanted to meet him. I waited 4 days for him to email me and when he didn't, I emailed him. And he emailed me back and mentioned talking on the phone. I gave him my number. He called the next night. We talked for over an hour. He asked me out for that Saturday. We went, we drank, we dined, we laughed, we talked, we danced, we talked, and we talked, and we talked...until 4:00 in the morning. And he slept at my house--which is very dangerous on a 1st Match.com date but neither of us realized that until after the fact. Very foolish on our parts, but hey-we're still alive. We walked to Snooze the next morning for breakfast. It was a marathon date and I loved every minute of it. It's been a couple of months now and I still have a blast with him and we still talk for hours. Mr. Hunky is a single dad and has only been divorced for 3 months--not long, I know. It's scary being at different places on our post-divorce journeys but it's definitely making me take a step back and think instead of just diving in based on my feelings. Okay, I dove in really quickly based on my feelings and now I'm being better about thinking realistically and taking things day by day. Trying to be clear here. Don't want to sound like I've got it all together, because I definitely don't!

So, you know, new career path, new relationship, newly a full-time single mom (again). Lots of new! Which is very fun, a little bit scary, and pretty exciting. Oh gosh, Brothers & Sisters is on. I'd better go!

New Blog!

2010-05-31T16:02:00.003-05:00

I have joined forces with another single mom friend of mine to offer support and encouragement and realness to other single moms.
www.HagarandIshmael.wordpress.com

Jackson and I are doing great!

October 7, 2007

2009-10-04T09:51:00.001-05:00

I thought I'd look back 2 years and see what I was posting about.

1 John 2:27
But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don't need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you all things, and what he teaches is true--it is not a lie. So continue in what he has taught you, and continue to live in Christ.

The Filling of the Holy Spirit By Angela Thomas
There is a difference in the woman who is saved and getting by as best she can and the woman who is saved and living every day of her life filled by the power of the Holy Spirit. The first woman is a carnal Christian. And the second one is a spiritual woman. If we stay with our illustration, we’d say that the second woman is dancing. The first one continues to walk according to her old desires, and the other is being led by the Spirit of God. There is only one degree of choosing that separates these women. But as it turns out, one degree makes all the difference.
When you are saved, several things happen. The Holy Spirit has opened your heart to pay attention and receive the Word of God (Acts 16:14). God has called you and drawn you to believe in His Son, Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 1:24; John 6:44). The Holy Spirit has crucified the old sinful self (Galatians 5:24) and taken away the power of sin (Romans 6:6). Through repentance, the woman who is saved turns to Christ as her Savior and begins the process of setting aside the sins that have plagued her life. At the beginning of our life in Christ, we are spiritual babies.
Remember Paul’s words to the Corinthians:
Brothers and sisters, in the past I could not talk to you as I talk to spiritual people. I had to talk to you as I would to people without the Spirit—babies in Christ. The teaching I gave you was like milk, not solid food, because you were not able to take solid food. And even now you are not ready. You are still not spiritual, because there is jealousy and quarreling among you, and this shows that you are not spiritual. You are acting like people of the world. —1 Corinthians 3:1–3, ncv
We begin as babies, and it’s important for us to remember that God has great patience with new believers. He understands the weakness by which we begin. Just learning about grace. Only beginning to walk by faith and battle our old sin patterns. The very good news is that there is hope for those of us who struggle in earnest to become women of great faith. There is a place in Christ for the stragglers and beginners and stumblers.
But Scripture says that even though we come to Christ as beginners and stumblers and live a lifetime as just women covered by grace, from our gratitude for God’s magnificent grace to us, we are called to grow up in His mercy. To graduate from baby milk to solid food.
But becoming a mature, spiritual woman requires the next step of choosing. That one degree of difference is the way of becoming a woman of righteous confidence. The woman who is becoming spiritual is being filled and refilled by the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. The abundant, full life that Christ promises in John 10:10 comes to us from the full indwelling of the Holy Spirit in us.
I came to give life—life in all its fullness.—Jesus, John 10:10, ncv
I spent much of my life as a believer not understanding the importance of the Holy Spirit in me and through me. So I don’t mean to make this too simplistic. I don’t want to insult your intelligence or make any assumptions. It’s just that many women do not live in this fullness. If I could take you by the hand and, according to Scripture, walk you step-by-step toward understanding the gift of the Holy Spirit, here’s the way I believe we should begin.
The way out of the rut and into maturity is the step from carnal living over into a spiritual life of growth and becoming. Spiritual maturity is a gradual process by which Christ in us begins to subdue our old sin nature and we become more in tune to the Holy Spirit. The fruit of the Holy Spirit becomes more and more evident in our lives as we grow spiritually. Old sins lose their hold. And all this comes to pass as we learn to trust Christ more fully as our daily guide and real friend. Believing that Jesus is for us and learning to live out of that kind of love. This process of maturing happens as we step over into the work of the Holy Spirit.
The first question for us is this: Have you made a conscious decision to step from a carnal life into a spiritual life? Remember, there is one degree of choosing that separates the carnal from the spiritual. Both are saved, one living in power and one not. Before you go any further, stop and consider your own choosing. Have you decided to pursue a spiritual life? Have you consciously made the decision to surrender your heart and your life for the filling of the Holy Spirit? On this day, do you need to recommit to a fresh start?
Your Father so very much wants you to live in power and confidence. He waits to give all that you need. Would you step over today and give your heart fully to the process of growing and becoming a confident woman by the power of the Holy Spirit?
____________________
From When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas from Thomas Nelson Publishers. Copyright 2005.
Sometimes, you must stop thinking and and just start feeling.
That said, even the brainiest of intellectuals can live her life filled by the power of the Holy Spirit!

Catching Up

2009-08-17T22:41:00.002-05:00

Summer is not my idea of a blogging season, could you tell?

Jackson and I have spent hours at the pool this summer--although it hasn't been very hot. In fact, the past three days have been in the mid-70s! Even so, we've gotten in our pool time. The trip to Estes Park with my parents and aunt was really great. We stayed at YMCA of the Rockies and man, that place is great for families! We were in Texas a couple of weeks ago for my youngest sister's college graduation and although it was a short trip, it was fun to hang out with the family.

Jackson's school is on a modified traditional track so he only has two months off in the summer & it went by SO FAST! He started back to school on August 7th--the 1st grade. I can hardly believe he is so big. So far, he is loving it. He has two weeks off in October and will go to Virginia with his Dad. Quite the traveler, this one!

I started back to school the last week of July and have adjusted pretty well to all the work that is involved. The classes are condensed into 5 weeks and so they are very intensive. I'm taking two right now and they recommend just taking one at a time. I can see why! I will be done with the two classes in less than two weeks. Phew!

Things are good here. I couldn't ask for anything more. Well, maybe one thing. In due time...

Ah...Summertime

2009-06-25T20:57:00.006-05:00

I've never experienced a more beautiful summer than the ones here in Colorado.

The 1st weekend of June I spent time with my single mom friends in Keystone at a condo that was generously lent to us.

The 2nd weekend Jackson and I went camping near Steamboat Springs...on a lake.

And this weekend we're heading up to Estes Park with my parents and my aunt from Pennsylvania.

I am so enjoying having Jackson home from school when I'm not working. On his first day of summer break, I set out construction paper, scissors, crayons, markers, a ruler, and tape. While I had my morning coffee, he created a dinosaur. I was so proud! We've spent a lot of days at our pool and one wonderful day at a park that has a creek running through it. While the kids searched for crawdads, the moms lounged on blankets and chatted up a storm (surprise, surprise!).

I don't want to waste a single day.

Perfection

2009-06-21T10:59:00.002-05:00

It's my vice. The pursuit of perfection, that is. I guess maybe I feel safe there. It feels safe to not screw up...and it feels safe to be an open book when there are no screw ups to share!!! Because, you know, I was all about exposure when I was walking through the fire 2 years ago. (2 years, I can hardly believe it!!) And obedience IS important to me...but obedience is very different from perfection.
I was starkly reminded not long ago that I AM NOT PERFECT. I was afraid at first, but then I realized that that means I need Jesus. Yep, still need Him!!! I am humbled, once again. I am reminded, once again, that I am no better than ANYONE ELSE. I remember, now, that Jesus came because I'll never get it right all the time.
When you're perfect, you can judge others. When you think you're perfect, you judge others. Yep, speaking from personal experience here!! On my most recent pursuit of perfection, I was judging others without knowing it. And then, I was judged. And it hurt...it hurt so deeply and the wound stayed raw for a long time. I was judged by a close friend, which I'm sure is why it hurt so badly. As I prayed about the situation, I realized that gossip only happens when you think you're better than someone else...and that's judgment. I am guilty of gossip. It wasn't until I was gossiped about that I realized I was gossiping too. Ouch.
God knows everything about me and He does not withhold his love from me. I now know how important it is to be honest about our screw ups...because they're real. They're part of who we are. Others can relate to us when we're open about the good AND the bad. But most importantly, God wants us to talk to Him about where we've failed and what we're struggling with. He already knows, afterall! But I know He so deeply desires that we share those things with Him. He sent His son to experience our suffering. In His death on the Cross, He participated in my suffering: past, present, and future. Who else has done that for me? I'm not going to pretend like I don't struggle...anymore.

I love my life!

2009-05-20T10:21:00.002-05:00

Oh, the irony, eh? I literally think that almost everyday. "I love my life" or "I have such a great life". And truly, it is the perspective of life that I have because of Jesus. There are many who have more friends, more money, more vacations, a job that is WAY more fun, a cooler house, a better car, a husband who is also their best friend, smaller pores, less fat, leaner muscles, higher cheekbones, more eloquent speech, fewer wrinkles, or oceanfront property but without the perspective of True Life. No longer do I think, "If only I had _______, THEN I would be truly happy." I was beginning to fill that blank with "husband" but God quickly showed me that I was creating a false idol. I have Jesus. He makes everything more beautiful and gives me the Peace that all of mankind is striving for.
I am defined from the inside out. I used to be defined from the outside in. I can honestly say that I don't care what others think of me....they DON'T define me. Especially because what others think is in direct relation to what/who defines them and that is not in my control...AT ALL. God wrote an entire Book about His love for me. That's kind huge, don't you think? He defined me before He created the Heavens and the Earth. He's CRAZY about ME!!!! And you know, He's not surprised when I screw up. He doesn't ask me to be perfect. He knows it's impossible this side of Heaven. He just asks me to accept His gift of Jesus. Just accept it. Let it get inside me and transform me. I still don't know the enormity of that power. I want to know more of it!!
I SO want others to know that Jesus covered it ALL when He suffered so severely on the Cross. I want others to release their sorrow, pain, suffering, and stress to God. I hate that we hold onto all of our "stuff" when we don't have to!
Being defined by Christ means that I can say "yes" or "no" when that is what I really mean. I know that God has called me to a simpler lifestyle. I can easily get caught up in serving in several different ministries but that is not where God has called me. And so I can say "no" with confidence when asked to serve outside of where God has called me. That doesn't mean I'm not serving anywhere or only serving where I'm comfortable. It just means that I know I'm a better disciple when I'm not busy.
I am currently reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. My friend, Barbara, from Virginia gave it to me 2 years ago. I read the first 2 chapters, but it wasn't what I needed to be reading at the time. Now it is! Love that. In Chapter 5, he writes about simplicity of life.
"The fallacy here is blaming the complexity of our lives on the complexity of our environment. How many people have told me they would love to live on some remote South Sea island or get back to the good old horse-and-buggy days when Sunday was spent visiting Grandma and Grandpa on the farm? It doesn't work because we bring our feverish, unintegrated selves to these remote places. Simplicity of life does not depend upon simplicity of environment."
As Christians, we are called to live differently. The world prides itself on busyness. A full calendar tells us we have great worth. We are deceived!
Today, I am blessed to only work 3 days a week. I have time each day to read God's Word, a good book, and reflect on it. I have time to read to my kid and let him read to me. I have time to talk to and listen to friends and pray with them too! I have time to sit outside and watch my kid play with his friends. I have time to marvel at God's creation. I have time to pray with a group of friends every other week for an hour and a half. I have time to go back to school to pursue more of what God has for me in the hope that He will use me to impact others. Those 3 days of work bring in just enough money to maintain my new standard of living. I don't have a fancy house or a fancy car and I don't have a wardrobe full of the latest fashions. I live minimally but I still live a lavish lifestyle compared to most of the world. I value time more than I do possessions. That's a choice I made based on the lessons God has taught me. I have no desire to keep up with the Jones's. I doubt they are living a life of peace!
I love the simple life!

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

2009-05-05T20:13:00.003-05:00

Did anyone else's April fly by? Crazy how that happens.

So...in dating, I encountered the, "I have a fear of commitment and your having a kid intensifies it." Sheeeeesh. So I dealt with that and I'm (pretty much) over it. Lesson learned: someone's ideals don't necessarily indicate the state of their spiritual life & SLOW DOWN. So I've done a lot more thinking about Mr. Man of My Dreams. And the more I think about it, the more I want the quote on the right hand side of my blog to be true for me.

The end of the last dating relationship led me to ponder my future. And the fact that I don't know how long I'll be single. Which means that I need to prepare for being single for a long time. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I am going back to school!! I will be starting at Colorado Christian University in July (I'm pretty sure) to finish my BS in Organizational Management with an emphasis on Project Management. That, I will use in Go Green Clean (exciting things happening there!). And what I hope to do after I finish my Bachelor's, is to go to Denver Seminary to get my MA in Counseling. So right now I am applying for scholarships and financial aid. And if you'd like to contribute to my education, I'm totally fine with that. :)

Jackson is doing absolutely fantastic. He's a math superstar!! Takes after his Mama and his GDad in that area. He cracks me up regularly with his witty comments and comebacks. For instance: a couple of weeks ago, he had a friend over. This little guy DOES NOT LISTEN. It is exasperating. So, when we were getting ready to go to the skate park and I had told him 3 times to get his shoes on and go ask his Dad if he could go to the skate park and he STILL HADN'T DONE IT, I raised my voice and said, "Conner, GET YOUR SHOES ON AND ASK YOUR DAD IF YOU CAN GO!!!" Then Jackson looked at me, smiled, and said, "Wow Mom! You're a GREAT yeller!" and I stared at him with my mouth open trying to think of what to say...but he filled the silence with, "You should keep practicing! Practice, practice, practice and pretty soon you'll be able to scare me right up the stairs!". And then I just cracked up.

Jackson is now with George 3 weekends a month, which means that I've had to figure how to incorporate more fun into my life. :) I had my first golf lesson last Saturday and LOVED it! I meant to go to the driving range yesterday, but got caught on the phone. Next goal is to learn to rock climb. There are lots of indoor climbing centers here in Colorado so a friend of mine and I are going to be going soon. Jackson is learning to rock climb at school through the Outward Bound program and that is something I'd love for us to be able to do together. Every summer that I've lived in Colorado, I have vowed to go camping. NEVER HAPPENED. But, oh, it will be happening this summer. A friend of mine and her family go camping lots every summer and they invited me/us to go along anytime this summer. So I'll be going in June and I can't wait!!!

Yesterday I saw that they are preparing our pool for its opening over Memorial Day Weekend!! Hip-Hip-Hooray! I love summertime.

I promise to post the Identity devotional this week. :)

Truth is Freeing

2009-03-28T17:31:00.002-05:00

Thanks to all of you who have left your comments and sent me your emails regarding your identity. I will be working on a devotion these next couple of days and will be sure to post it here.
Your responses were very, very helpful! I am excited to use parts of them as examples to share with others.
Jackson is with his Dad this weekend so I'm spending time doing things I don't normally get to do. I sure do miss him when he's gone! That boy is precious.
Hope you're doing well and trusting God for big blessings in your life!

Identity: Is It Elusive?

2009-03-17T23:13:00.002-05:00

In leadership at CBS (community Bible study), we can sign up to do the weekly group devotional. I am doing the devotional for the 2nd time on April 1st. I want to talk about finding our identity in Christ.
I think this is a hard thing to grasp unless you really do find your full identity in Christ.
Please, please, please help me out by sharing what it is about this that is difficult to grasp for you.
When you think about yourself, what influences your thoughts, words, and actions the most? Whose opinion do you care the most about? Why? Do you feel free to make choices based solely on being a child of God?
Thanks for your help, I can't wait to hear what you have to say!

Seasons Change, Y'all.

2009-03-07T10:52:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's hard to blog. Can you imagine? Often it's because of lack of time and other times it's because of lack of inspiration.
I've been journaling a lot lately so I guess that is taking the place of blogging for me.
I have a heavy heart this morning. One of my college roommates is going through almost exactly what I went through 2 years ago. I have cried many tears for her family. Despair is an awful feeling, even when you know the Lord. When you're walking in unknown territory, it's scary. It feels impossible to move forward. But I am thanking God that my friend has taken one big, frightening step forward. God will give us just enough light for the next step. He is so faithful is guiding us to a place of restoration, peace, joy, happiness, and freedom.
I was reading back through my blog, trying to find a post that might encourage her today. It is not easy to read back through those hard, hard months. The memory of the pain is always near! But I am on the other side now and I PRAISE GOD for that. As I was reading through the posts, Natalie was singing Held. Gosh, I love that song. I cry for the pain of others every time I hear it!
So...I am beginning to date. It's fun and totally scary at the same time. I'm no Elisabeth Elliott, that's for dang sure! But she is an encouragement to me and a mentor for this journey. I cannot express how thankful I am to have friends who are understanding about my situation. That just because they are married, they don't think dating is trivial and easy. My friends are holding me accountable, encouraging me, and praying for me...and they're interested in hearing the details!
I was talking to my Mom yesterday and she helped me to see that I have never been in a healthy dating relationship. Well, there was one in high school, but it was more that the guy was really healthy...and I was 16. So, what I am used to and have been expecting is not what I am experiencing and that is actually a good thing! The Lord has been telling me to be patient. That's not easy for me, I like to make things happen! But I am surrendering that desire everyday. I am also focusing on living in the moment instead of trying to figure out what the future holds. This was another suggestion from my Mom, and something I felt like I could really get my brain around.
I can feel a season of change coming on. I don't feel attached to anything at the moment. God has shown me that I need to step away from ministry for awhile and just participate in a Bible study so that I can really enjoy it. So after this semester of CBS, I'll be done for awhile. My Beth Moore study finished up a couple of weeks ago and that was a big relief. I felt like I was constantly doing homework, and not enjoying God's Word the way I have in the past.
So, that's what's up with me! Is anybody still out there? :-)

Just Wondering

2009-02-09T19:11:00.002-05:00

How are you feeling about the state of our country? Are you feeling despair? Anger? Anxiety? Relief? Hope?

How much do the things of this world affect you? I am wondering because some people I talk to are very affected by our society and others are not. I cannot adequately express the sorrow I feel when I hear a fellow believer wondering why God would allow their current circumstances. Or wondering why they can't have the life of another believer who appears to have it easier.

The worst is when I hear someone questioning God's love for them because they don't have something they want...or something they believe will make them happy. The question is not whether or not God loves us, but if we love Him!

I can hear Him asking me, "Erin, do you love Me?". I can hear Him asking those who call Him Lord, "Do you love Me?". It is not about us. It is about Him!

Do you dream about your real Home? Do you long to go there? The things of this world will go away. The hardships we endure are not eternal. Jesus' Sermon on the Mount tells us what true blessings are. Can you see past what society tells us about our circumstances to what Jesus told us about our circumstances?

There is freedom in believing God. This freedom allows us to receive God's blessings in our lives. God provides. God heals. God gives understanding. The blessings have been bestowed. Remember what Jesus said? IT IS FINISHED.

Will you live in this freedom? Oh, I hope so. The morsel of freedom that I have tasted is worth all the heartache and tears. I will never go back to the bondage of self-reliance, false identity, or self-righteousness. That is not the life Jesus died for!

2009-02-03T19:29:00.002-05:00

Okay, it's been a month now and I'm still flushing the fat. I think so, anyway. I hope so!
Best news so far is that my sweet tooth is GONE. It took a while to really disappear, but now that it's gone, it's great. I also have a lot more energy than I used to. Instead of coffee in the morning, I'm drinking 2 cups of hot lemon water. And another cup before bed. I eat 2 hard boiled eggs a day and have been eating my biggest meal at lunch instead of dinner. I've been making salads with lots of veggies and protein and am not missing the icky stuff at all!
I've really been concentrating on building up my lower ab muscles. I had a C-section with Jackson and they sliced through my lower abdominal wall...resulting in weak abs. I've never tried to get them back into shape until now.
If I've lost more than 5 lbs, I don't know because I've stopped weighing myself. I really want to concentrate on being healthy and whatever weight that results in is fine with me.
I've seen definite changes in my body but would like to see more. I'm talking Jennifer Garner muscles, here, people. I mean, that's what I'm striving for...not what I have, just in case you got confused. I wanted to join a gym here in Castle Rock that offers CrossFit, but decided to spend the money on karate lessons for Jackson instead. So for now, the DVDs, clubhouse gym, and the great outdoors will have to do!
Well, my dinner is almost ready so I'd better go. A more spiritual blog soon to follow, I promise!

Eliminating Sugar

2009-01-14T23:09:00.003-05:00

I must hit the hay soon but I didn't want to leave you hanging.

I lost 4 pounds last week and 1 inch from my waist. I need to clarify that I'm not actually measuring around my natural waist (that is 28 inches), I'm measuring at the fullest part of my abdomen which is right at the top of my hip bones and hits my belly button dead-on.

I hadn't thrown out all of the sugar in my house. I still had some chocolate covered graham crackers and marshmallows so Jackson could roast s'mores on the stove. Well, on Friday I got home before Jackson got out of school. I had a nice, healthy lunch and then started thinking about the s'mores. So I had one. Mmmm, it was so good. So good, in fact, that I had another.

I was pretty disappointed in myself. I decided I needed to take drastic measures so I threw away the cookies and the dark chocolate squares in my pantry. Jackson: not pleased. But, hello! He's hypoglycemic too, so he doesn't need the sugar either. I avoided sweets at Adrienne's bday party that night, I said no to birthday cake and Jackson's friend's party on Saturday, and I avoided chocolate cake at a reception after church on Sunday. I was pretty darn proud of myself.

I've lost another pound so far this week. I'm not sticking too closely to the actual FFP...mostly because I got really sick of cranberry water and I don't have the money to purchase the recommended supplements. But I'm not having sugar or white flour. Not much flour at all, really. I bought some Ezekiel bread and eat that when I need some good carbs...plus allowable fruits. Having allowable fruits makes this plan really doable. Apples, grapefruit, pears, nectarines, plums, and berries. Yum!

I did mess up last night at the last minute. I had Bible study at my house and bought some peach cobbler bread to serve the girls. I didn't have any until the very end of the night, but it was only 1/2 slice. But after the girls left, I had about 4 more 1/2 slices. I threw out the rest and decided the girls will have to do without a sweet treat next week!

Working out has been going great. Now I remember why I used to workout regularly. I feel so good afterward!! On Monday I did about 40 walking lunges along with squats and dead lifts. My hamstrings are killing me today!

Okay, gotta go to bed. 2 houses to clean tomorrow, plus a cleaning bid, and then a hardcore workout. :-)

Measurements, Oh My!

2009-01-07T22:09:00.002-05:00

Height: 5'7" Frame: Small
Waist: 32 inches
Hips: 37 inches
Thigh: 22 1/4 inches
Weight: When I started on Monday, it was 135. On Tuesday morning, it was 132. Today: same.

I'm mostly concerned with inches. My waist to hip ratio is too high...in fact, it's borderline abdominal obesity!!! Because of my hypoglycemia, I crave sugar big time. And when I give in to those cravings (which has been many times a day!), my blood sugar spikes and then my pancreas overreacts, producing too much insulin, which then results in the production of fat. And that fat is stored in the abdomen. Belly fat is not only ugly, it's deadly. And it's really, really uncomfortable!

Today I brought a square of dark chocolate with me to Bible study. It had 4 grams of sugar in it. For most people, this is next to nothing. I ate my lunch of a high protein soup, 1/2 of a grapefruit, and pistachios. A little while later, while listening to my CBS teaching director share her lesson, I ate the chocolate. Within a few minutes, I started feeling light headed and my vision blurred and I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep! I was pretty stunned. I didn't realize my reaction to sugar was so intense. It is no wonder I have gained so much fat around my mid-section...my pancreas must be overproducing insulin like a monster! What scares me is that hypoglycemia can lead to diabetes and diabetes runs in my family. Considering my reaction to sugar today, I think I might be at a higher risk than I originally thought!

I am fully addicted to sugar. I crave it like crazy and cannot go a day without something sweet. Until now. I decided tonight that I need to look at this like a disease, like alcoholism. I wonder if there is a Sugar Addicts Anonymous program? The great thing is that the longer I go without sugar, the less I will crave it. My blood sugar level will normalize and that is how the cravings will subside.

My goal is to lose an inch in my hips, bringing me down to 36 inches. And for my waist, it's 28 inches. So I've got FOUR inches to lose around my waist. That puts me at a 78% waist to hip ratio which is very healthy.

In addition to cutting out the white stuff my body craves (sugar and white flour), I am increasing my exercise time and doing more weight training. I think I can reach my goal in 6 weeks, maybe less.

I'll let ya know. :-)

A New Year

2009-01-04T23:16:00.003-05:00

Okay, so this is totally crazy. I am insane for what I am about to do. You might laugh. I might cry. Whatever, I'm gonna do it anyway.

I am fat flushing starting tomorrow. It's the Fat Flush Plan. A total body detox and fat loss makeover.

1st of all: I'm not fat. I know this. I am fortunate to have a pretty high metabolism, thanks to my parents. However, I am hypoglycemic and pretty much addicted to sugar. And it has wreaked havoc on my body. And since I'm only 31, I figure I can get a head start on growing older healthily. And 2nd: I've gained weight in the last 6 months and I'm not happy about it. So there.

The plan includes journaling, including (gasp!) recording body measurements. Oh my goodness. I am going to post them on my blog. Holy Moley!!

But not until tomorrow. I'm just giving you the heads up. Now, I debated posting "before" pictures but that is just too dang embarrassing. I know, I'm a dork. The measurements should be incriminating enough, don't you think? Yikes.

Okay, I'm off to bed. I had my last hoorah tonight. A margarita, Mexican food, dessert, and coffee. Yummmmmm.

Well, well, well

2008-12-30T19:35:00.002-05:00

(Adrienne-you like that title don't you?)

It has been a while. Thanks for the encouraging comments about my blog. Here's what I decided: Since I am, thank God, still in hot pursuit of Him, I am going to continue blogging about what I learn about Him and what He's saying to me. I'll keep talking about marriage, and divorce, and being a single parent. I'll share with you my good days and bad and hope that my experiences somehow encourage you.

Most recently purchased book: Joy Unspeakable by Martyn Lloyd-Jones. It's all about the Holy Spirit. My fave.

Current musings: my dissatisfaction with church.

Newest Jackson story: He got a wallet for Christmas with some cash in it. So he was blessed to participate in the annual after Christmas shopping experience. We were at TJ Maxx with my mom, 2 sisters, and niece. At one point, 4 of them were on the floor and Jackson was sprawled out, playing with one of his new Star Wars action figures. I noticed that his wallet was behind him, out of eyesight. I said, "Hey Jackson. Do you know where your wallet is?" He whipped around and grabbed it and I said, "A wise man never leaves his wallet behind." Fast forward 3 days. This morning (4:30 CST), we were loading into my dad's car. We pulled out of the garage and just as the garage door was about to completely close, I glanced back at the garage and caught a glimpse of my purse. My dad stopped and I went through the side door to grab my purse. Apparently, while I was grabbing my purse, Jackson said to his Gdad, "A wise girl never leaves her purse behind!". How's that for wise?

More soon, I promise.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-16T23:37:00.001-05:00

To Blog Or Not To Blog?

2008-12-07T02:14:00.003-05:00

I've been pondering blogging. I don't spend much time reading other people's blogs and am not sure my blog is touching very many people's lives. I have no desire to broadcast my newly "normal" life on the internet...it's just NOT that interesting! What I do desire, however, is to let my experience help/encourage others who are on a similar journey. God has blessed me with quite a few opportunities to do just that. I do two things: 1)I take the time to talk with people who are having a difficult time in a marriage, those who are pondering divorce, and those are who are going through a divorce. 2) I have a list of the people that I know of who are going through these things and I pray for them.
I know that my story helps people. And it's here, on my blog, for anyone to read. So now I don't know what to write about. And honestly, I don't think about writing on my blog very often. I suppose I could dedicate my blog to life as a single mom. But heavens, in life as a single mom, there just isn't much time for blogging! Like right now? I should be in bed, for Pete's sake!
So, um, Good Night!

The Times, They Are A'Changin'

2008-11-29T17:01:00.002-05:00

Well, right now, Jackson's Dad is driving across the country to move back to Colorado. He will arrive tomorrow at some point.

Jackson was starting to really suffer from not having his Dad around so this couldn't be happening at a better time. I'm feeling pretty protective of my kid...since we've spent the last 9 months together, just the two of us. Even though the break will be good for me and Jackson getting to spend time with his Dad is invaluable, I'm sad that I'll have to start sharing him again. Sigh...

We had a great Thanksgiving at Adrienne and Jason's house and have just been hanging out together for the last couple of days. Last night we watched Polar Express while the snow fell and then woke up this morning to a considerable amount of white stuff on the ground. Beautiful!

Things are pretty peaceful around here. Just work, school, Bible studies, playing with friends, and church stuff. That's pretty much just the way I like it!

Ohhhhh! I'm SO excited!!

2008-11-15T15:14:00.004-05:00

So, I am a book person. I LOVE to read. And when it comes to the Bible, I like to read, reread, cross-reference, and interpret. And I like to share what I learn. Also, I love, love, love it when I read a book that puts into perfect words the thoughts that have been swimming around in my head. Currently, that book is Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen. GREAT BOOK!

As you can imagine, Beth Moore is my hero. She is the cross-referencing queen, not to mention that she surrenders herself to her Lord continually so that her ministry is not about her AT ALL, but all about Jesus.

Her daughter, Melissa, is also a wordy, interpretive person. She recently quoted on the LPM blog from a book she is currently reading. This quote PERFECTLY summed up what I've tried to say before about God's Word. Here ya go:

Reading Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense by N.T. Wright. What a great and refreshing read. Here is just one quote I love, “the Bible isn’t simply a repository of true information about God, Jesus, and the hope of the world. It is, rather, part of the means by which, in the power of the Spirit, the living God rescues his people and his world, and takes them forward on the journey toward his new creation, and makes us agents of that new creation even as we travel” (191). Just a glimpse into this wonderful book.

Also, Melissa posted an assignment that she gave her Bible Lit students. It got my motor running. So...as though I have nothing else going on, I'm going to tackle this assignment!! And, if I have the guts, I'll post my work on my blog. Then you can critique me and give me the A+ I will undoubtedly deserve! What am I saying, I think the only people who read this blog are my mom and my best friends so of course I'll get an A+! As BooMama says, "Read by TENS of people everyday!".

Teaching LIT. My Mom and I have been co-teaching a class for 17-25 year old women. This Bible Study is unlike anything we’ve ever done at Living Proof. For better or worse, I planned and outlined the study. It has been fun to actually see it run its course, in spite of how absolutely over-ambitious it was. I am really proud of my Lit ladies. They’ve paid attention to all kinds of tedious things, including transmission issues, translation theory, and biblical genres. And that is only a start. Just in case you may be interested, we asked them to do the following for their bonus project:
• Choose any passage (about 5-9 verses) of interest, preferably a passage that you are not overly familiar with.
• Read the passage several times, at least twice out loud.
• What book of the Bible is your passage in? Who is the author? Who are the Recipients? What is the occasion and genre of the book?
• Compare your original Bible translation (whether it is NIV, NASB, etc.) to other translations- use at least three or four translations. Make note of the significant changes/differences in a chart or some other helpful way.
• If there is a word that sticks out to you in your original Bible translation, use a concordance to do a word study on that word. What is the Hebrew or Greek word that your English translation is rendering? Where else is it used?
• Are there any topics/places/concepts in your passage that are unfamiliar to you? Use a Bible Dictionary to look up unfamiliar concepts and to answer general questions.
• After you have done as much of the leg-work as you know how or have time to do, then consult one or two solid commentaries on your passage.
• Conclude with how these resources contributed to your understanding of the passage. (P.S. I just noticed that I created an outline within an outline. I am annoyed by my own self. Anyhow, I really am so proud of the Lit girls. Some have already turned in their assignments. I could have cried reading one of them today. I was astounded by the spiritual insight. We all bring something important and different to the interpretive table, with our various experiences and backgrounds. It is beautiful. I can’t wait to read the rest of them.)

DOESN'T THIS SOUND LIKE FUN?!

Thy Kingdom Come

2008-11-05T00:33:00.002-05:00

This is going to be short, but I wanted to get my thoughts "out" before they drive me nuts.

In 1 Thessalonians, Paul tells his church plant not to focus entirely on the return of Christ. There is so much speculation going on among Christians about what this election means in regard to the prophecies in the Bible. Similar speculation went on when JFK was elected President.

It concerns me that so much time, fear, and worry is being devoted to predictions about the future!!! Is that an answer to Jesus' prayer that God's Will will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven? Is that the Kingdom of God being lived out on Earth?

We should not get so caught up in speculating about the future that it devours the time we could be spending serving others. As someone who has been in greater tangible and emotional need than I ever could have imagined, I can tell you that thinking nice servanthood thoughts just doesn't cut it. There IS NO time to waste! The people of this nation have MUCH. The people of this nation have CHOSEN a new President. We are a powerful nation. Let's not forget the people in our country and many others who are in very great need.

God tells us to love our enemies and that goodwill can overcome evil.

Let's be the answer to Jesus' prayer.

Hypoglycemia Update

2008-11-04T17:06:00.002-05:00

My meeting with Jackson's teacher went GREAT! The hypoglycemia explains a lot of Jackson's behavior. And his teacher is hypoglycemic, so she totally got it and suggested that I bring in extra snacks for Jackson and when she sees Jackson displaying low blood sugar behavior, she'll ask him to sit and eat some snacks. So that was the GOOD news.
The not so good news is that Jackson is demonstrating behavior that is common in kids who have gone through a divorce. He has been taking small items from the classroom. This is not viewed as stealing, but as a security issue. His teacher has seen this in the past and said that she normally addresses it once and it usually phases out.
She is also going to talk to the school psychiatrist to see if she has other suggestions for Jackson.
I was so glad to have the time to talk with Jackson's teacher and that we are on the same page as far as what is best for Jackson.

Kids/Food/Discovery

2008-11-01T10:27:00.004-05:00

So I had my first Parent/Teacher conference this week. I was totally prepared to hear these words: Jackson is a great student. He is definitely the smartest kid in class. Very advanced. He is a hard worker and very good natured. Ha! Instead, what I heard was confusing. Jackson's truly wonderful teacher told me that Jackson's skills are right where they should be and then she proceeded to tell me what he cannot do. These were things like sounding out words and then writing them down on paper. Writing his double digit numbers. Rhyming. Then she said this, Jackson has a very high drive to learn. We LOVE to see this. He is an independent learner, which is wonderful.
I am going to be very honest here. I walked away from that meeting feeling as though his teacher had just told me that he is not smart. I wanted to cry. I was confused because he is always spelling at home...sounding out words on his own. And rhyming? He always rhymes. I know that he knows his numbers because he counts to 100. Apparently he's just transposing the double digit numbers. Anyway, it plagued me for a couple of days. Jackson's teacher gave me some tips on things to work on with him at home. So we did. He wrote every word I asked him to write. He wrote double digit numbers correctly. He rhymed.
A friend of mine works at the school as the speech therapist. I told her about the conference and she suggested I talk to his teacher again and tell her my concerns and also ask how she assesses the students. So yesterday I was at the school for the Halloween parade and party. Jackson's teacher approached me and asked if I could come in again to talk about some issues she's having with Jackson's emotions. Great. So we made an appointment for Monday. Then I had to go clean a house for four hours and guess what I thought about THE ENTIRE TIME? You guessed it! Wow, I must be a horrible mom. I don't do enough special activities with him. He's suffering and it's showing up at school.
After about 3 hours of this nonsense, it hit me. Jackson is hypoglycemic. Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) runs in my family and my mom told me while she was here a couple of weeks ago that she was pretty sure Jackson is hypoglycemic. She noticed that if Jackson hadn't eaten in more than a couple of hours, he became unfocused and weepy. And Jackson is not a weepy kid. When my blood sugar is low, I feel tired and overly emotional. I cannot focus and am easily angered. At school, Jackson gets a morning snack, lunch, and an afternoon snack. At home, he eats about every hour to 2 hours. And when he gets home from school, he ravishes the refrigerator and pantry. Unfortunately, I can't send any kind of nuts with him to school. That leaves me with cheese and meet for snacks. (People with hypoglycemia cannot process sugar correctly. We need a diet high in protein and very low in carbohydrates.) But in reality, he needs to eat a small amount of protein every hour plus 3 protein heavy meals. So I'm hopeful that his teacher will see it fit to treat Jackson's hypoglycemia as any other disease. And to me, that would like Jackson going to see the nurse for some cheese cubes throughout the day.
This morning I made southwestern omelets for breakfast. 2 eggs, red bell pepper, onion, and cheese topped with sour cream and salsa. Yum! As I was making it, Jackson said "Mom, I don't like omelets!" I told him we needed the protein and asked him to at least be willing to try it. "Noooo, Mama, I don't like it." Silence. Continued cooking. I made bacon too.
So, I set the table for breakfast and called him over. I asked him if he wanted sour cream and salsa. Yes, he did. Do you think he liked it?

I'll let you know how it goes with his teacher on Monday. Maybe I'm totally off on this one. Maybe.

Here are some pics from Halloween:

I would like to clarify that I'm not concerned with Jackson being "smart". I'm concerned with him being able to function well in school. I want him to feel like himself at school and to perform to the best of his ability. The "smartest kid in class" was a parent to parent joke. :-)

From the Mouths of Babes

2008-10-30T23:06:00.003-05:00

I must admit that the first time the words "Barack Obama" came out of Jackson's mouth, I was stunned. He saw a picture of him in a storefront window and knew exactly who he was. We then talked about John McCain, Bob Barr, Ralph Nader, Chuck Baldwin, and Cynthia McKinney.
He loves talking about Presidents. He's certain that Jesus was the first President.
Two days ago I was watching GMA when Jackson came downstairs to join me.
Jackson: That's Barack Obama.
Me: Yep.
Jackson: He doesn't listen to God.
Me: Hmm.
Jackson: He doesn't. He doesn't love God and he doesn't listen to Him.
Me: Mhmm. Who told you that?
Jackson: My Dad.
Me: Aha. So your Daddy is voting for John McCain?
Jackson: Yes. He's going to let us keep our guns.
Me: I see.

This morning, GMA again. An anti-McCain commercial came on declaring that John McCain does not support higher wages for women.

Jackson: Sighhh...Mom?
Me: Yes?
Jackson: This is soooo confusing!
Me: (big smile) Yes. Yes it sure is.

Yield, Baby, Yield and Be Filled

2008-10-22T12:10:00.002-05:00

Here's a little insight into my daily life.
I clean 4-6 houses a week, worked into 2-3 days. Yay for me! I feel like I need to have ONE day a week to myself, and right now, that day is Tuesday.
Oh, but not Tuesday evenings. On every other Tuesday evening, I lead a women's Bible study through my church. Right now, we are studying Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit.
On Wednesdays, I teach the 3 year olds at CBS (Community Bible Study) from 9:15-11:15. Then I attend Leaders Council from 11:30-2:30 with the other CBS leaders.
Every 3rd Sunday I greet at church from 7:40 am to 8:20 am, then go to the service.
And I volunteer in the preschool class at church, but only when there are 5 Sundays in a month.
Jackson, as you know, is in full day Kindergarten. After school, he usually plays with his friends in our little neighborhood. He has met two little boys who are a year younger than him. They LOVE each other. Their moms are Believers and we usually sit together and chat while the boys play. Um, yeah, TOTAL blessing!!! But let me just tell you that I have a hard time making myself take the time to just sit. I start out thinking of all the things I need to do around the house and what I need to do to prepare for the next day. It's like a tug-of-war in my head until I finally get a grip and realize how important is to take that time to sit with some friends, watching our boys play, and just talk and listen. We usually do that for about 2 hours, and then head into our own homes for dinner.
So I got to thinking. Wouldn't it be nice if we started sharing meals together too? And wouldn't it be great if it became a neighborhood gathering? And how simple it could be. So I'm gonna pray about that, and take a step forward into the unknown.
Okay, so back to Yield, Baby, Yield. Here is the deal. I, a life-long church goer, PK, seminary professor's daughter, have gotten confused by spiritual terminology. There's too dang much of it. Here is where I got really confused: the use of the terms "baptized by the Spirit" and "filled with the Spirit". I don't want to spend too much of my day blogging so I'm going to try to make this as brief as I possibly can and still get my point across. (Oh, no CBS today. It's fall break. And George is here, so Jackson is with him!! Yay for them!)
Here is what I knew for sure. There is a distinct process after a person is born again by the blood of Jesus that involves the Holy Spirit. This process results in a radical life change. However, I know some who have experienced it and some who have not. Both are saved. CONFUSING!! Some say that baptism of the Holy Spirit happens after conversion. But that's not what the Bible says. Read 1 Corinthians 12:13. It is very clear that when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we are given the Holy Spirit...we are baptized by the Holy Spirit.
Thank the Lord for Beth Moore. Or, as she would say, "Glory. Glory." In this study we're doing, she outlines the ministries of the HS. Here they are:
1. Conviction
2. Regeneration
3. Baptism
4. Indwelling
5. Sealing
6. Filling
7. Restrain
The only one of these ministries that is dependent upon us is Filling. In order to be filled up by the Holy Spirit, we must yield...we must relinquish control.
So that is the difference. All Believers have been baptized by the Holy Spirit. But not all Believers have given up control. Dangit. This is where my passion lies. I have a passion for FULL SALVATION. I want people to experience the unspeakable JOY that comes from yielding to the Holy Spirit. Giving up control is scary...even when you've done it over and over again and experienced the freedom that comes with it. We are sinful by nature. It is natural for us to try to take back control. It's pitiful, really.
Here is what I'm (slowly) realizing. The future that God has planned for me will not come to fruition unless I am yielded to His Spirit. I have dreams, I have longings, I have gifts that I know come from my Lord. They are IMPOSSIBLE for me to accomplish on my own. IM-flipping-POSSIBLE. Even though He has shown me some distinct plans He has for me, they aren't going to happen if I don't let go.
I'm sure I have written before that I despise mediocrity. There is not one mediocre aspect of God. And God in us should not be mediocre. I don't want to dwell in mediocrity. And I don't want you to either. Are you yielding? In what areas are you challenged to let go?

Babies without Voices

2008-10-15T18:07:00.002-05:00

On Angie Smith's blog, Bring The Rain, she talks about October 15th being the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. She asked her readers to post if they have lost a baby. At this point there are about 1400 posts. I have skimmed the posts and have seen at least 6 that are written by women who have lost a baby to ab*rti*n (tip from a fellow blogger). They write about their circumstances, their regret, and their sorrow.
I cannot image what these women go through, having made a choice that can never be reversed. My heart hurts for them. I have 3 friends who I know have had ab*rti*ns. 2 out of 3 grew up in Christian homes and the fear of facing up to having premarital sex (!!) was greater than the conviction to obey God. How very, very frightening.
Last year I was faced with making a decision that would end my baby's life. I agonized over it. I knew the odds and I knew my condition. But still, I did not feel good about having to make such a decision. Praise God that He took the decision making away from me, He took our lives into His hands. I cannot imagine that any woman makes such a decision lightly. And I cannot imagine that any woman goes on with her life without the sting of death on her heart.
I am praying for women and girls who are debating their babies' lives. I am praying for the women who regret their decisions and can't forgive themselves. I am praising God that He has all the little bitty babies in His hands.

Tired

2008-10-14T15:15:00.003-05:00

This has been one of those weeks that I wish I was married. I wish I had a wonderful husband who could encourage me, love on me, and share some of the load.
I don't really like being ALONE. I mean, I like some alone time, but I'm more of a partnership kind of person. And when I get some bad news that throws a big wrench in my daily grind, I'd like to have "my person" to talk to.
Last week I lost my biggest client. This job brought in 1/4 of my income. I guess I fit in with the rest of middle class America. I just wish I had "my person" to sit across from me at the dining room table and crunch numbers, get creative, and tell me it'll be okay.
I was in this phase of really wanting to date. I just wanted to go out. But when I thought about what it's like to go out with someone you don't have chemistry with, I realized that's not really what I want. So, yeah, I want to meet that special person. I've already proven to myself that I can't do as good a job of that as God can. So...like I've said, I'll wait. And pray. And let my Match.com account expire.
And in the meantime, I need to crunch numbers, get creative, and tell myself it'll be okay. I'm open to where God is taking me. And, um, I know I've asked this like a gazillion times, but could you pray for me?

Do You Call Him Lord?

2008-10-06T21:44:00.003-05:00

My heart broke the other night. I was at a friend's house with some other girlfriends for dinner. I prayed on my way to my friend's house that the night would be a time of good conversation and that those of us who know Jesus would be a light to the 2 who don't.
I was SO SAD when one of my Christian friends dropped the F bomb. Another C friend talked about a drunken one night stand. The two made excuses for each other. I felt uncomfortable, thinking about Jesus being right there with us. I thought about the trials the 2 had been through and how they cried, Lord! Lord!, and He rescued them. Oh, how quickly they betrayed Him.
I remember when my faith was like that. I ran to God as a last resort and quickly deserted Him as soon as things calmed down. I didn't know how much He wanted me, all of me. I didn't know how much I needed Him, all the time. I didn't think about His pain on the Cross, ever. So selfish.
My sadness is for my friends and their lack of faith. They are still prisoners of their sin. I pray with a heavy heart that God will continue to give me obstacles that send me to my knees in prayer.
A few years ago, my aunt and I were talking about money. I said something like, "Well, everyone wants to be a millionaire!". And she seriously said, "I do not want to be a millionaire." I didn't believe her at the time. Now I do. I also do not want to be a millionaire. I am clinging to my God because life is still not easy. Hey, it's easier than it was. I'm paying the bills and putting (good) food on the table. But my future rests in His hands. He is my Lord. He is in charge. I gave Him the reins a while ago. I trust Him. He is faithful. He loves me. He blesses me beyond measure!
So, do you call Him Lord? Do you treat Him as Lord? Do you treat His Word as a gift? Or do you abuse grace?
Paul confronted Peter when he was being a hypocrite. I want to have a conversation with my friends about the other night. I'm afraid. I'm a peace maker so I want to figure out how to say what I need to say without offending anyone and bringing everyone closer. Hmmm. That's pretty much all about me and zilch about God. I know God will give me the right words, with a soft heart, at just the right time.

FIREPROOF

2008-09-26T23:16:00.001-05:00

Saw the movie.
Cried a lot during the movie (hey, I wasn't the only one!).
Loved the movie.
Thinking.
Praying.

Jennie Garth

2008-09-23T15:25:00.002-05:00

Ahem. Remember when I said my life should be made into a Lifetime Original Movie?? Well, minus the scary pregnancy and loss of a baby, it kinda has. Of course, I'm talking about Fireproof.

The Story:
At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules.
Growing up, Catherine Holt always dreamed of marrying a loving, brave firefighter...just like her daddy. Now, after seven years of marriage, Catherine wonders when she stopped being "good enough" for her husband.
Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

Check out the trailer at http://www.fireproofthemovie.com. And go see it. I hear it's good, like Facing the Giants was good, only better. I'm going to see it Friday night on a date. Okay, just kidding. No date, that would be awkward!

The Death of a Marriage

2008-09-13T20:39:00.002-05:00

My heart is so heavy for married people. On Thursday I was listening to the radio as people called in, asking for prayer for their breaking marriages. After one phone call, the DJ played Held, by Natalie Grant. My heart broke for all of the people who are experiencing the pain, the feelings of abandonment and failure, and the shock that comes with a dying marriage. My friend told me today about a street in her neighborhood that has 7 houses for sale on it. These are not homes in foreclosure, they are homes of broken families. SEVEN on ONE street!
It saddens me that Satan is doing such a great job of breaking up families. I hate him. He is such a creep. The lies, oh the lies he tells. The world has bought into these lies at such a high price.
If only I knew then what I know now. Only God can satiate me. Only God can love me unconditionally. Only God can give me joy. How can my husband possibly live up to being God for me? If that is my expectation, he will always fail. The lies are in the little things. The "roles" that husbands and wives give each other (or take upon themselves). How can we have a joyful, loving marriage relationship when one is wanting to have power over the other? It just won't happen.
An author of a pre-marriage curriculum in New Zealand found my blog by googling "fight for my marriage" and sent me an email with some questions. He said what a lot of marriage experts say, "We teach that poor communication is the downfall of most marriages. Would you agree? If not, what do you think it is?" I said that I believe it is selfishness. We tend to place expectations on our spouses and when they're not meeting our needs, we get angry. The anger turns into resentment and we naturally turn to another source that can meet our needs...and if it's not God, it's not meeting our needs. The cycle continues on the road to divorce. Well done, Satan.
There are people all around us whose marriages are dying a slow and painful death. Most people don't talk about it. I am praying for those people. Please join me.

Single

2008-09-01T21:31:00.002-05:00

I am reading Passion and Purity for the 2nd time. Here is something I keep reading over and over:

A girl wrote to me recently, "It seems that time and patience are such key elements to following the way we were intended to go. I think with a good deal of awe upon the fact that you and your first husband waited so long in such careful seeking of obedience, and I wonder, with a lack of knowing inside, whether that is what is required."

I could not tell her that the same duration of waiting was required of her. She will have to take Christ's yoke upon her and learn of Him. I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. IT IS EASY TO TALK ONESELF INTO A DECISION THAT HAS NO PERMANENCE--EASIER SOMETIMES THAN TO WAIT PATIENTLY.

Truly my heart waits silently for God;
my deliverance comes from Him.
In truth He is my rock of deliverance,
my tower of strength, so that I stand unshaken...
Trust always in God, my people,
pour out your hearts before Him;
God is our shelter.

On Silence:

Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
Keep your mouth shut and show your good sense.
The man who talks too much meets his deserts.
When men talk too much, sin is never far away; common sense holds its tongue.
Don't talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!
And...
You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

And so, I wait.

1 Year Ago Today

2008-08-28T10:09:00.002-05:00

It is amazing how much can happen in a year. Thank you for following our story, for encouraging me, and especially for praying for us.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Griffin Jacob
Brought to you with permission:Today at 5:30 Eastern Standard Time, Erin delivered Griffin Jacob naturally, without any need for induction...he died in utero. He weighed in at 12 ounces and measured 10 inches long. Erin said he has Jackson's nose, George's jaw line and a muscular build like a long, lanky basketball player (Erin has a great lean muscular build but she probably didn't say that so she wouldn't be bragging...so I added that part). Erin was grateful that she was able to go into labor on her own. Earlier today the doctors did an amnio where they injected some sort of blue fluid and then waited to see when or if it left her body. It came out immediately, meaning there was a tear in her amniotic sac. She said she and the nurse and her mom have taken a lot of pictures because a photographer wasn't available due to the quick delivery. Tonight Erin and George will have a blessing service to dedicate Griffin Jacob to the Lord. If you are interested in Erin's contact information, please email me at: I'll get back to you as soon as possible. She does not know how long they will keep her at the hospital.Thank you so much for your prayers. Erin said she could sense God's peace beyond measure.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Miracles and Mourning
Did you know that Colorado has THE most beautiful sky? It's so BLUE!!!I want to give you all a run down of how things went at the hospital so that you can know how powerful your prayers are.On Saturday morning (the 25th) I woke up to a gush of blood. I changed my pad and soaked through it within 45 minutes. I also thought I might be having contractions. Griffin was always a strong kicker, but I was feeling a tightness that resembled Braxton Hicks. George had helped pack the night before and stayed the night so he was at the house. I told him about the bleeding and contractions. We decided to go to the hospital even though I was sure they'd check me out and send me home with a prescription for more bed rest. So we got to the hospital and they took me up to Labor and Delivery instead of to the ER. And then it was pretty clear that I'd be there at least overnight. I was dehydrated so they started an IV and then decided I needed to be on a catheter because every time I got up to go to the bathroom, I leaked a ton of blood and sometimes large clots.I called my mom to let her know what was happening. She and my Dad were in Pennsylvania for a wedding that weekend and she was supposed to fly home to Texas that Sunday and then fly to VA on Tuesday. I figured they were only 4-5 hours away and so asked if we could figure out a way to get her to VA on Sunday. So my aunt drove my mom down to the WV/MD border and George and Jackson drove up to meet them. By this time, the doctor had informed me that I would be staying at the hospital on bed rest until my bleeding had completely stopped for 48 hours. My instructions were to drink a lot of water and be very still. I thought, "This I can do. I WILL get out of here!"Later in the afternoon on Sunday, I had a gush of blood while lying down and called in the nurse to check it out. She thought it looked pretty watery and was concerned I might be leaking amniotic fluid. The doctor came in and we talked about the risks involved with that. This is when I first became scared. As they were wheeling me down to ultrasound, I actually thought to myself, "This doesn't feel right. I feel like I shouldn't be pregnant anymore. I'm afraid for my life." Then I felt really morbid and selfish for even thinking that! The ultrasound showed that my amniotic fluid was really low...measuring 9.3 and the normal range is between 8 & 20.By this time our main concern was hemorrhaging. I was at an extremely high risk for having a total bleed out and dying within 3 minutes. With the knowledge of the low amniotic fluid came the concern of my contracting an infection. Those two things combined were very scary for me and my family. That night I had pictures of Griffin so small and wrapped in a blanket in my arms...but not alive. I couldn't understand why I was seeing something like that b/c I am normally such a determined, positive person. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to not be pregnant anymore in order to stay alive. So I accepted the images of Griffin...and they weren't scary. They were completely peaceful.I had another ultrasound Monday morning and found that the amniotic fluid had decreased to 4. Not good. The doctor came to talk with me and George around noon and told us that it did look like I had a tear in the amniotic sac and that Griffin would not survive, and that I would only survive by delivering Griffin. I felt prepared for this news, but George was not. He had a hard day. My doctor had been in contact with a Dr. Chisholm at UVA Medical Center in Charlottesville who said I needed to be there and he could take very good care of me and Griffin. He apparently was very skilled at delivering non-viable babies vaginally with a placenta previa. It would be similar to a DNC but keeps the babies "in tact". I know, I'm sorry for the vulgarity. So at 3:15 pm on Monday the 27th, I was transported to UVA.Nothing happened once I got there because the team of doctors wanted to observe me and do their own tests. So I got poked and prodded and then given an ambien so I could sleep. :-)The next day started with a bang as I was a high priority on this high risk L&D floor. Dr. Chisholm did an ultrasound and after what seemed like an eternity he said, "Well, I haven't seen your other ultrasounds but I know a lot of people saw that you had a placenta previa. But you don't have a previa anymore. Your placenta is completely off your cervix." We could not believe it. I just knew God had performed a miracle overnight and had moved the placenta. Miracle #1!!Next was my 3rd pelvic exam which are no fun anyway, but the tools he used looked large enough to jack up a car. So that was hard and painful and pretty much humiliating but necessary. He was hoping to get enough fluid to look for ferning, which would confirm that I was leaking amniotic fluid. At this point, the doctor was 95% sure that I was losing amniotic fluid, but didn't have any scientific confirmation. So he sat with us for a while and gave us a library of information on our situation. We were basically faced with the impossible decision between inducing labor which would terminate the pregnancy and waiting it out to see what might happen. With so little amniotic fluid, Griffin could not grow and develop healthfully. He would be severely handicapped, mostly likely with lung disease and the need for a respirator for the rest of his life. There were a multitude of other handicaps that I can't even remember. And he was 100% certain that I would contract a severe infection within 10-14 days. I couldn't make the decision to induce labor without knowing for sure that I was leaking amniotic fluid. So I told Dr. Chisholm that I wanted to do the amniocentisis and that if it confirmed that I was leaking amniotic fluid, I wanted to go ahead and induce labor. He was relieved by my decision because he also did not want to terminate my pregnancy without knowing for sure.At 2:00 pm on Tueday the 28th, Dr. Chisholm injected blue dye into the amniotic sac and found that the sac was so empty that he could not extract any fluid for testing. He told me that if I was going to see blue spotting, it would be in 4 to 8 hours. So I prepared to wait. At 2:20, I saw blue. Miracle #2. Dr. Chisholm confirmed it and I said, "So now I just let you know when I'm ready to be induced?" and he said, "Yes, but there is absolutely no rush. I know how hard this is so you just take your time and let me know if you have any questions." Earlier I had asked him if there was an average amount of time it takes a woman at 20 weeks to go from being induced to delivering. Unfortunately, the answer was 24 hours. But I was at least comforted by knowing that I would be able to deliver Griffin without the need for intervention because God had moved my placenta.After the doctor left my room, I was overwhelmed again with having to decide when to be induced for a labor that Griffin would not survive. I just didn't want to have to make that sort of decision!! At 2:30 I said to my mom, "I think I'm in labor." Miracle #3! And sure enough, within an hour I was asking for pain medication and by 5:00 I was asking for an epidural and then by 5:10 I was pushing (never needed that epidural!) and at 5:30 Griffin Jacob was delivered and even more beautiful than I had imagined he would be. I then held him, wrapped in a white blanket, and felt completely at peace.The whole time I was in labor, I was thanking God for his extreme love for me that he took away all the hard decisions and made everything crystal clear.Yesterday I took my mom to the airport after lunch and Jackson was asleep in the back seat. And I finally bawled my eyes out in mourning for my family. For my septic marriage and the loss of my baby. I had cried after the doctor told us we were going to have to make a heart wrenching decision and I had gotten teary eyed a few other times but I think my adrenaline was pumping overtime and it wasn't until I was alone and back in Colorado...back where things were so different a year ago...that the tears really came. I cried most of the way from the airport to the place where George is staying. He got Jackson out of the car and I got the car seat out and he asked if I was doing okay and I told him I was just sad about Griffin and I started to cry again. He was holding Jackson, who was still asleep, and opened up his arm to me and I fell into him, just letting it all out. I had been so sad that we weren't able to mourn Griffin together as his parents and I guess I just needed to cry with him because he lost his baby too.Thank you for praying for us and lifting us up. I love hearing from you! Please continue to pray for the healing of our hearts and especially for the softening of George's heart toward me and toward God.

This is me, on a regular basis

2008-08-27T10:43:00.003-05:00

Please let me know if you have days like this:

After I picked Jackson up from school yesterday, we came home and I got ready to go to the gym. I'm training for the Denver Marathon (although I'm running the 1/2 marathon) on October 19th. My mom is coming up from TX to run it with me and I'm recruiting as many of my friends to run it as I can. So, I get changed, make a sandwich for Jackson to take to the gym, and head out the door. I lock the door from the inside and pull it shut and just as it clicks shut, I realize I left my keys inside. And then I remember that my spare keys are inside as well, instead of in the garage where they should be. Grrrreeaaat.

So I sit down on my front "porch" steps and call my landlord, Brett. Of course I know he's probably out of town on business. I leave him a message. I think about my options. I feel certain that I locked the door to my balcony, and also certain that even if it was unlocked, I would not be able to scale the wall to get up to my 2nd floor balcony. If there was any way I could avoid shelling out money for a locksmith, I would try it. So I called my friend, Matt. He's the type of person who would know how to pick a lock. He thought he might be able to do it, so he grabbed his car lock-picking tools and came over. He also brought a rope so he could scale the wall up to my balcony.

He scaled the wall, only to find a locked door. He worked diligently and with much fervor at picking my lock, but to no avail. Then my neighbor, MJ, came walking by. She works for the Sheriff's department...at the jail. She's tough. She made some phone calls to see if any public safety departments could pick a lock. Nope.

While she was on the phone, Matt and I were sitting at the top of the steps. My other neighbor came out of her condo with her dogs, to let them go to the bathroom. The first dog, an Australian Shepherd raced past us to the grass and peed. MJ is not a huge fan of dogs, especially when they touch her. So when the next dog, Sadie (a golden retriever), came racing out, I grabbed her and held her between Matt and myself while her owner tried to get control of her dog situation. Well, Sadie loves people and was apparently dying to urinate, so as I'm holding her close to me, she begins to pee. And she's so excited about these new people that she's whacking her tail on the pavement with much glee...flinging the urine all over me and into Matt's hair. Totally disgusting, but also so funny that I just started to laugh. Of course, my neighbor was mortified and it was not her fault that we were sitting outside her condo, so I was really trying to make light of the situation. She got Sadie back inside and took the other dog for her quick walk. When she was out of earshot, MJ started walking up the steps and said, "Her freaking dogs are out of control" and she immediately tripped and fell on the steps. WHAT? What is happening here? She got up and said, "Well, that's what I get for talking badly about people." I just couldn't believe the sequence of events!

So, we called a locksmith. While we were waiting for him, Matt climbed back up to my balcony to untie his rope. Getting back down without a rope is tricky. So MJ, being really tough and all, thought perhaps she should help him. MJ is about 5 feet tall and pretty stocky. Matt can't see her and she walked right underneath him just as he was about to jump down! Matt said, "Oh, please don't do that, I almost jumped onto you" and MJ said, "No, it's okay, you can step on my shoulder to get down" to which Matt laughed and said, "Um, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I'd crush you." And he jumped down. Then MJ said, "You wouldn't have crushed me, how much do you weigh?" Matt said, "Oh definitely more than you. 205." MJ says, "Me too". WHAT??? Are they having this conversation??? Matt laughs and says, "No way." And MJ defends her weight, yes: 205 dammit. I don't want to think where the conversation is headed, so I thank MJ for her help and she goes into her house.

So, along comes the locksmith. He gets out is nifty little tool, puts it in the key hole, jiggles it around for about 3 minutes, and unlocks the door. $65. Perfect. Stupid-tax. I get out my checkbook and say, "who should I make the check out to?". Locksmith says, "you can make it out to me." "Great, what's your name?" "Jeff" "Do you have a last name?" Pause. Pause. "Heffner" AM I ON CANDID CAMERA???

My neighbor brought out some wipes for us to clean up with. I wiped off and asked Matt if he wanted a wipe for his hair. He said, "I don't have pee in my hair." I said, "Um, yes you do. It's crystalizing." He said, "No, it's just wax. I used a new hair product today." Okay, believe what you want to Matt. I just hope he showered before he went to bed.

--And yes, my playlist needs help. I'm working on it. Just replay Held over and over.

Proud Mama

2008-08-24T22:07:00.002-05:00

I am crazy about my church. I must say that we are doing church really well. We are impacting our community for Jesus, we are challenged and following God through hard times, and we are loving each other well.
I want to share with you something that left me speechless today:

After first service, Matt and Jackson and I went The Waffle House. As usual, Matt and I were talking about God's lessons. Toward the end of our meal, there was a lull in the conversation and Jackson said, "Matt, would you like the rest of my waffle?" Matt said yes and thanked him. Then Jackson said, "Would you also like the rest of my bacon?" And Matt said, "Jackson, thank you. That is so nice of you!" To which Jackson replied, "Well, that is what I do for nice people." Matt asked Jackson if he learned that in KidzJam and Jackson said, "Yes, it's called honoring others." My jaw dropped as I stared in amazement at my son.

Most of what our kids learn is learned from our behavior. Those we surround ourselves with and what we talk about has a huge impact on our children. Do you think if Matt and I had been talking about something trivial--or worse yet, gossiping about someone--Jackson would have been thinking about what he learned at church that morning? I wasn't thinking about that while Matt and I were talking, we just happen to love God and talk about Him all the time. But as I reflect, I can see how the combination of Jackson's time in church, my time in church, what I talk to Jackson about, and my conversation with those I spend time with directly impacts the kind of person Jackson is becoming. It's kind of a "duh" moment, but so good to see the fruit of the Holy Spirit in Jackson's life!

Embark

2008-08-24T00:34:00.002-05:00

For those of you still coming around to read, thanks.

This has been an intense week. I finished up with some clients who I started working with in May. It's been THE most frustrating project. It was usurping. All of my time, energy, and mental capacity was used to get this deal DONE. Now that it is over, I feel so very free!

I also feel able to really get into building Go Green Clean. I'm starting to actually feel passionately about it. Yay!

An interesting thing has happened. I met someone at church who shares my passion for Jesus, who loves to communicate and does it well, who enjoys the very same things that I enjoy, and I love to spend time with him. He is an excellent friend. All the elements of a romantic relationship are there except for the "go ahead" from God. I suppose that is not necessarily an element of a romantic relationship, but since we're marriage-minded it kinda is. It is an odd thing, wanting to so much to spend time with someone who is God-centered, but not being able to.

Romans 12:1-2 have been my "life verses" for awhile. Mostly the 2nd verse, about not conforming to this world, listening to and obeying God, and knowing His perfect peace. But this week God began to speak clearly to me about giving my body to Him as a living sacrifice. I know that I need to be prepared to marry quickly when I've met the right person. And I'm not ready to get married again. I am finally enjoying my independence, my space. I don't feel lonely very often and I'm not ready to say good-bye to my private little world. So, considering my chemistry with this friend of mine, and not being ready to get married, there will be no relationship. And he has some very good, respectable reasons of his own--straight from God.

It is good for me to be able to "hash" things out with someone. Often times, if I can talk out my thoughts and feelings, I have great clarity. I'm grateful my friend was patient with me, and let me talk A LOT.

Well, it is really late and I'm really tired so I'm really going to bed now.

Love ya!

This time, last year

2008-07-28T21:25:00.004-05:00

I thought I'd check to see what was going on in my life last year at this time. Well, here you have it. Lots of passion, that's for sure!
PS I posted a post that I started 5 days ago...please don't miss it. It's below this one. :-)

Friday, July 27, 2007

Here is what God has me chewing on today...From The Message, Galatians chapter 5.It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good--crucified.(Here's the command, y'all) Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us in an original.

I was recently in a Sunday School class where we were discussing Spiritual Parenting. The topic of this discussion was about whether or not some people were meant to be parents. People were going back and forth about the convenience of being childless and how you really have to be selfless to be a good parent. It seemed kind of like a debate...and I thought the whole thing was pretty self-centered. I'm sure I wouldn't have seen it that way if I wasn't in my current situation, so I thank God, once again, for perspective!

Anyway, I eventually found a place to interject my thoughts and said that our utmost reason for living is to serve the Lord. And perhaps some people are in a position where serving the Lord is better done without babies, but who are we to say? And I wondered aloud if raising children is part of serving the Lord...it does seem to me that parenting is referred to quite a bit in God's Word. I don't really remember everything that said at the time, but what I do remember is the leader's response: "Well, Erin, that is quite an intellectual and spiritual thought, but I think if we're realistic..." And then my blood pressure went up because I don't understand how striving to serve the Lord is unrealistic.

We are called to be like Christ, for Pete's sake!! No, it's not easy. But the more we rely on Him, the more He is in us and working through us. I'm working on heeding God's Word, "Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives."

And I'm not doing this to be a "good Christian", I don't even understand what that means. I'm doing this because Christ did it and the more I seek God and obey Him, the fuller I become. Full of His Spirit and the fruits of His Spirit. I'm afraid so many people have chosen the life of Christ, but they're not living it. It seems impossible to live. And it is, it sure is!! But only if you're trying to do it on your own. I wonder, is that "trying to do it on your own" true legalism? I don't know, I'm just thinking aloud.

It seems I have spent too much time blogging this morning and am now late getting Jackson to school. Peace be with you all!

Eventually

2008-07-23T10:40:00.003-05:00

Last night I was tucking Jackson into bed. I had put a towel down on the fitted sheet, hoping that if his Pull-Up leaked, it wouldn't be too big of a mess. Jackson was potty trained at 2 1/2 but doesn't wake up at night if he needs to go to the bathroom...kinda runs in the family. Anyway, we had this conversation:

Jackson: Mom, why are you putting the towel down?

Me: Just in case you leak tonight.

Jackson: But Mom, you know, if you just put a towel down, EVENTUALLY, it will

soak through right to the sheet.

Me: Laughter. Well, you're right! How'd you get to be so smart? I mean really,

EVENTUALLY?

He's such a good communicator.

Well, I put the towel down anyway, just made me feel better.

I'm feeling hazy these days. I hope to be blogging more often in coming weeks because I told the woman I've been working with/for since March that I need to phase out of my position. I cannot continue to work 24/7 in real estate. Sure, the money can be great but I've been stressed beyond words and going out of my mind.
A couple of weeks ago I felt God nudging me toward full time ministry. I thought I must have been making that up--I figured that everyone who is passionate about God feels that way sometimes (even though I've felt that way often for quite some time). I asked my friend Marie what she thought. She said what most of you are probably thinking...Um, I'm passionate about God, but I've never felt called to full time ministry. I think God is telling you something. My first reaction was feeling tired. Like, God, can't I just relax??? My second reaction was knowing there was no way I was going to try to plan my future in ministry. Hey!! I HAVE learned something and it has STUCK! No, no planning. Praying, yes, listening, yes, putting my feelers out, yes, taking some risks, yes. Planning, no.
My heart is for women and their marriages. And for women who have suffered divorce. I have lived in a sucky marriage and it is the loneliest place I can imagine. And I have suffered divorce and know that God can make beauty from ashes. I also know that satan gets all the satisfaction when a marriage has lost its joy and boy, does he ever work hard to make that happen! That is not okay with me. That's about all I know at this point.
ALTHOUGH, God did show me that in order to pursue ministry opportunities, I need to lighten my work load. Hence the job decision. He also gave me the great idea of Go Green Clean and by golly, I'm going to work toward franchising it! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
And thank the Lord, I've had wonderful closure regarding that relationship I've mentioned. Phew!
I kind of have a lot to say. I've also decided to be more proactive in doing fun activities with Jackson. We're going to start hiking some trails that are doable for a 5 year old. I really love to camp but can't really do that by myself with Jackson. The Lyon's Folk Festival is in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure you can set up camp at the festival. So, that's what we're going to do! Live music, lots of people, good eats, and sleeping under the stars. What could be better? And I'm going to see about joining a single parents Meetup. I know a lot of single moms but would love to join a group with single dads too...nice to have them around for the heavy lifting and fire making.
So back to feeling hazy. My passion is subdued right now and I don't like it one bit. I feel restless and at the same time, lazy. This is probably not accurate but it's how I feel. Perhaps God is giving me the time to "just relax" that I have expressed a need for. I don't know what the heck is going on, but I'm ready for my hunger for the next Word from God to come back. I had a thought today that I'm pretty sure was actually the Holy Spirit. I thought that perhaps I need to put myself "out there" and get involved in some sort of ministry that would challenge me to seek God, hear from Him, repent of some sin, and GROW. And share! Again, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
Okay, Jackson is in bed already (it's 7:45!) and so I'm going to take advantage of this time and find a good television drama to stare at for a little while.

flawed

2008-07-10T10:13:00.002-05:00

These days I find myself repeating over and over, "I trust You, I trust You, I trust You." The fight against my own flesh is never-ending, it seems. It is SO easy to fall back into harmful patterns of the past. I think I need to read my blog.
I traveled to TX last week. I missed my flight and had a melt-down at the United customer service counter. I was at the gate 10 minutes before my flight left and begged to get on the plane so I could meet up with my 5 year old son in Austin. The "customer service" person did not sympathize with me. People were watching me. I got on the next flight (3 hours later) stand-by. The night before I left for TX, I got a phone call from my relocation clients in AZ. They were planning to be in Denver Sunday thru Wednesday and needed to find a house and close at the end of the month. I was torn. On the one hand, I really needed that paycheck. On the other hand, I felt guilty because my Dad had purchased our plane tickets and I didn't want to have to change them and cut our visit short. I called my Mom. She said, "You need to go back early." So we changed the tickets to come back Sunday instead of Tuesday. I got up at 5:00 am on Sunday with Jackson and flew home, drove to Castle Rock, got ready to show homes in Golden, and took Jackson to a friend's house. Showed homes for 3 hours, came home and searched for homes for 3 more hours. Got up Monday morning and showed homes for 3 hours again, then drove to the other side of Denver to show more homes for 3 hours. As I was driving to pick up Jackson, I got a call from the AZ couple. They had decided to rent. Are you FREAKING kidding me? I wanted to cry. Lord, Lord, Why?
Of course, in my mind, what's best for me is lots of closings, easy clients, money in the bank, RIGHT NOW!!!! I suppose God sees that I still have some hard lessons to learn, especially patience and self control. I suppose I also have no idea what God has planned for me so I'd better be paying close attention.
I'd gotten to this good place regarding men and then POOF! I'm back to wanting what God has clearly said is not good for me right now. I was beating myself up about it, but I'm past that (yes, a lot can happen in 24 hours). Instead of trying not to feel a certain way, I've decided to talk to God about the feelings when they're flooding through me. I'm not talking about wanting a relationship in general, this one is specific. Don't you wish I could divulge all the details?!
On a totally different topic, there is a Fundie (short for Fundamentalist) at my church and he's kind of driving me crazy. Oh, the constant Scripture quoting and calling people heretics. Lord, help me behave!!!
I needed to purge. Thanks for listening.

My Heart

2008-06-28T17:14:00.002-05:00

I'm going to pick up Jackson in Austin Wednesday. I cannot wait to see his beautiful smile and kiss his sweet cheeks.

This time without him has been good for me. He has informed me on every phone call that he is having a great time and that he wishes I could be there. It helps to know he's having so much fun. It has allowed me to rest and to catch up on my life. It has also allowed me to reflect on our relationship and how it has developed over the past 5 years. There are things I would do differently, given the chance. And there are things I will do differently from now on. I never dreamed my son would experience the divorce of his parents. It really and truly sucks. I want Jackson to know everyday that he is passionately loved and that he is extremely special. I can tell him that over and over but it will really mean something when he sees it in my actions. I don't know if single moms ever leave survival mode. There is so much at stake here, so very much. I can screw up my own life all I want, but I can't screw up my kid's life. Every decision is carefully weighed and prayed about. I can't do anything without wondering about the consequences. It's getting easier and I'm getting used to living this way. In fact, I like it. It feels good to be so careful when I was careless for so long.

Some friends of mine that I met 6 1/2 years ago at an Open House just had their 3rd baby. Her name is Ella Grace. Beautiful, huh? I am so happy for them. They, too, have had to give up some things and live more carefully than they had in the past. I just looked at the slide show they made of Ella's arrival. I started to cry when I saw the joy on their faces. The two little boys were in awe of their new sister. What a gift! Truthfully, I wonder if I'll ever experience a happy family with a mom, a dad, and more kids. I know God loves me, it's not that I'm questioning whether or not it could happen. I just don't want to assume that it's God's will for me. God blessed me with an exceptionally lovable child. He pursues me at every moment and I desire to let Him treasure me and fall more in love with Him daily. I don't think that being married with lots of kids is God's ultimate blessing. I hope that doesn't sound callous, but I sure can't find where He says that in His Word. Anyway, I am praying that my great desire will be that God can move through me and touch the lives of others. However He needs to do that, whatever brings Him glory...is fine by me.

I have Jackson. What a tremendous treasure! The truth is that God could take him at any moment. God could take any of us when we're least expecting it. I think my time and my thoughts are better spent on loving Jackson than imagining what kind of a man God might like to bring along for me. ;-) Don't get me wrong, I'm human. I want another adult to do life with. But we don't always get what we want, do we?

Father's Day

2008-06-17T18:25:00.002-05:00

My pastor, Doug, gave a very inspiring message on Sunday. He challenged, with much passion and intensity, men to be leaders. I would love for you to listen!!

http://www.plumcreekonline.com/media/mp3/MakeOurMenLeaders.mp3

So I skipped May

2008-06-06T07:46:00.003-05:00

Hi faithful friends. As you might have guessed, I have been too busy to blog. But also, I haven't had many clear thoughts that I thought worth blogging.
I think I'm in that weird stale place we end up sometimes. I have very little down time, so that could be part of it.
Jackson left on Monday to go visit his dad for a month!!! They are having a blast, of course. I am enjoying a little more peace and quiet. This week has flown by...but I'm sure the ache for my Jman will begin soon.
I am working my tail off in real estate, trying to set up as many closings as I can so that I can stop cleaning so much. I had 2 closings set for this month and both crashed. :-( It's looking like July might be the month I had hoped June would be. I can make it!
God has me studying Philippians right now. I am struck by Paul's dedication to be perfect for Jesus. "Perfect" is a touchy word, I know. Are Holy and Perfect the same? Perhaps Holy is easier to swallow, but no easier a way to live. It takes dedication.
Some friends of mine were talking about going to see Sex And The City, the movie. I thought the outing sounded like fun. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt that the movie is really nothing more than female porn. It's instant, sinful gratification that does not honor the Lord. Nor does it honor women and men, God's children. So I opted not to go. Yesterday I got a text from a dear friend of mine telling me that she and a group from church went to see the movie. I was so sad!! Look, I know there is some good dialogue between the characters, but don't even try to defend the movie to me. I have seen 2 episodes of SATC and it is not Holy whatsoever. Why are Christians getting together to go see stuff like this? I'm sorry to say, I don't think HE is pleased.
Well, that's all I could purge at this time. I have to get ready to clean two, yes TWO, houses today while keeping my phone by my side so that I can negotiate 2 deals. Pray for me please!

The Learning Curve

2008-04-26T15:31:00.002-05:00

Patience. Purity. Passion. Self-Control. Obedience.
None easy.
The last month has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I've had to really be focused on practical thought and I'm not the most practical, one day at a time sort of person. I tend toward day dreaming and romancing pretty much everything.
I have been dealing with some regret about how I moved along in a relationship. I moved with caution at first and thought I was in a safe place. The next thing I knew, my vulnerability got in the way of caution. The regret was overwhelming. I've talked to God a lot about it and realize I can't go back and change anything, I can only move forward and move differently. God has, as always, comforted me.
A couple of weeks ago at church, I was worshipping and asking God to forgive me for shifting my focus off of Him for a short season. I told Him I want to be beautiful to Him. I want my life to please Him. And that I want to attract someone who values the same qualities that God values. After worship, I turned to "greet those around me" and shook hands with Marie, a woman I knew of but had never met. Later on, I was talking to a friend in the hallway when Marie came up to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, "Erin, I hope this doesn't embarrass you but..." and I said, "Okay..." and she said to me, "I noticed you come in and get settled in your seat for worship and I was so struck by your presence. I thought to myself 'My, what an attractive woman!' I mean, the way you hold yourself and you're dressed so cute, I just couldn't take my eyes off you until I could see your face clearly. I just had to tell you what an attractive woman you are." I was not expecting her to say THAT!! So of course I said Thank You...and then I followed that up with, "I hope some man thinks that someday!" She made a "thinking face" and we laughed. So I finished chatting with people and got Jackson and we headed home. While in the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks that God had just spoken to me through Marie! I started to cry as I thanked Him, in complete wonder that He cared so much. And also humbled that His forgiveness is so immediate. He holds no grudges. He forgave me for not keeping Him #1 and assured me that I am still beautiful to Him. Amazing. Grace.
I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to being vulnerable and open, but still protecting my heart. I'm reading Passion and Purity right now and Elisabeth is teaching me a lot. My counseling went really well too. I had 4 sessions in 2 weeks and now I'm on a "call when I need to talk" plan. :-)

Thoughts and Feelings

2008-04-10T08:15:00.002-05:00

Since my last post, I've had 2 counseling sessions and lots of ups and downs. I've come to realize that my current grief is not so much about the last year, but the reality of my life right now. I was in survival mode for so long and was so completely wrapped in the warmth of God that I didn't have a chance to realize that it pretty much sucks to be a single mom. Don't get me wrong, I am choosing to live a fabulous life. However, this life I'm living is not what I originally chose! It's been good to be able to talk to other single moms and just be real and say, "Yeah, this sucks." The loneliness is at times overwhelming and sometimes it's just a dull ache in the pit of my stomach.
There are so many ugly factors that we, as humans on Earth, have to live with. Ugliness that we didn't choose for our lives. I hope I can take the ugliness as a challenge to grow spiritually even though everything around me is in a state of constant decay. The more I learn about God and His desire for us, the more I am shocked at how far we are living from what He originally dreamed up. But He is in those of us who have made Him our Lord...and His Spirit does not decay. That is something worth living for!

It's not over yet...

2008-04-04T23:38:00.002-05:00

Well, for all of you who have been amazed at my strength through this past year, I've got news for you: THE GRIEF HAS BEGUN!!!
There were apparently some grief triggers during my out of town trip last weekend and so, beginning this past Monday, I have felt the deepest, most painful sadness I could ever imagine. I thought I was just missing my friend, but my sadness didn't match up with the state of our friendship. So I just figured I was psycho or something and was angry with myself for being so emotional. I have a really smart friend, Christina, who was my very best friend in college and I called her Wednesday night and said:

Me: Christina, I need to talk to you about my frequent crying episodes.

Christina: You're having crying episodes?

Me: Yes, it's awful.

Christina: Well, what has happened?

Me: Nothing! I am just a total freak show!! I had a great trip and now I'm back and I'm a wreck.

Christina: Um, Erin, are you kidding me? You got the sh*t kicked out of you last year, that's what has happened.

Me: Ohhhh. Is that what you think this is about?

Christina: Yes! This is not about you missing your friend. This is about you experiencing 2 major losses, then moving across the country and going straight into survival mode. This is so normal. Frankly, I am relieved to hear that you are sad and having crying episodes. You need to grieve!

Me: But it's so painful. How do I make it stop?

Christina: Erin, I know you are a very productive person so when you want something in your life to change, you make it change. But you can't do that with grief. You have to just go through it.

Me: Great. How long did it last for you after your Dad died?

Christina: Probably a good solid year.

Me: I am going to need some drugs to be able to function. I cannot function like this.

Christina: Drugs might help, and stock up on the wine and a journal. Maybe write some poetry.

Me: Well, this has been very helpful. I don't feel like such a freak show now. I kept wondering when it would hit me. I guess it's now.

I thought I was feeling a little too good considering what I've been through. I do have a natural anti-depressant that I started taking tonight. It apparently provides results within a few days. I'll let you know. It's called Anxius.

I talked with a counselor today and we'll talk again next week. She was very helpful and full of insight into the grief triggers and my fear of abandonment and anticipation of rejection. Fun stuff.

I'm pretty darn overwhelmed. This is the single mom life. Unless you have lived it, you can't comprehend it. I had the pleasure of hearing Angela Thomas speak tonight and as she described the life of a single mom, I couldn't believe that we actually do what we do and stay alive. I am not tooting my horn, here, I hope you know that. I'm not doing it real well at the moment, but I'm doing it the best I can. I guess that's all I can do.

It's April!

2008-04-01T22:08:00.002-05:00

It's pretty hard to believe that it's been about a year since my world first got turned upside down. A year. Wow.
I have not had time to blog, to watch TV, to read more than 2 pages at a time of any book, to surf the web or read blogs, etc. Any free time I have is invested in my relationships. I like it that way.
I did have the pleasure of getting out of town last week/weekend. 2 of my dearest friends here in Colorado took great care of Jackson for me while I visited a friend who I met 16 years ago. It was so good to get out of my weekly routine and kind of immerse myself into someone else's life for a few days. I felt emotionally recharged while I was away but coming back to the daily grind was much harder than I expected it to be. I miss my friend.
Jackson and I moved into our new home 3 weeks ago. We are absolutely loving it here! It is a beautiful town home, much more beautiful than I imagined we'd be living in. I officially joined the real estate team I mentioned earlier. So far, so good and my real estate business is definitely picking up! Thank God!
My church is starting 40 Days of Community this week and I'm leading a women's group. I'm really excited to have the women in my home for fellowship.
I have so much to be thankful for. I cannot list all the ways people have reached out to help Jackson and me. I have been blown away. What continues to strike me is how much better equipped I am to offer support to those who are hurting. My heart hurts for those who hurt but I can also talk about the hope that comes only from God because even in the midst of my deepest pain, I felt God's loving arms around me and I knew He would take care of me.

God is FAITHFUL!

2008-03-04T22:48:00.002-05:00

Thanks so much to all of you have been praying for us and for the encouraging notes. I have felt overwhelmed at times but continue to trust God as my Provider.

1st of all, Jackson and I have a place to live. We are moving into a condo that is owned by a couple we go to church with. I'm calling it "The God Condo" for 2 reasons. The first is that I was on my way to Target a couple weeks ago and passed by these condos and thought, I should check to see if any of those are available for rent. While in Target, I ran into my friend from church, Alexa, and was telling her that I felt it was really time for Jackson and me to have our own place and really get settled in. She said, "You know, we've been thinking about you guys because we have that condo in Blackfeather and our tenants are moving out at the end of the month." Whoa! Obviously God workin' there. The second reason is that my pastor and his family lived in this condo for 6 months while they were waiting for their house in Fort Collins to sell. So, you see, it's The God Condo. We're moving on Saturday...and I'm not even close to being done packing!!

Update on Jackson's school situation: I had applied for Jackson to attend Renaissance, an Experiental Learning/Outward Bound school with an all-day kindergarten program. Their enrollment is based on a lottery and his name was not chosen. I checked with all the other Montessori/Charter schools and they were all full. I really felt that I wanted Jackson to attend Renaissance, so I went to the school last week to plead my case. I spoke with Lori, the registrar, and she told me that while all of the slots are currently filled, she often has openings come up all the way through September. I told her that gave me hope and that I'd be praying that Jackson's name would get pulled for an opening. She took down my info and said she'd call me if she had a space open up for him. SHE CALLED TODAY TO LET ME KNOW THAT A SPACE OPENED UP FOR JACKSON!!!! I was jumping up and down around my living room shouting, "You rock God, you rock God!!!". Here's the kicker: the school is across the street from our new home. Seriously! I will get to walk Jackson to his first day of kindergarten. Oh my goodness, I am so excited.

God is blessing my real estate efforts. I have clients I am working with and I have also been recruited to join a high producing real estate team in Denver. They are pursuing me and working to create a position that will utilize my strengths. It makes me feel really good...and totally blessed that I could actually get to do what I love and be blessed financially.

Keep praying, please, about the child support.

I have been so BLESSED with amazing friendships and a supportive church family. I cannot even begin to describe the gratitude I have for everyone who has helped us. I have an awesome family that is so full of encouragement and grace too!

God also reconnected me with an old friend whose friendship has been an incredible blessing to me these last couple of months. I have been filled with hope and I am in awe of how God takes care of me.

Have I mentioned that I feel really blessed? :-)

So on Sunday, my totally gifted pastor talked about walking through the valley of the shadow of death. As you can imagine, it really resonated with me. I have learned a lot in the valley, but most of all I learned that God does not abandon us when we're in the valley. And because I was already in hot pursuit of God before I entered the valley, the valley was not as painful as it could have been. So if you're not in the valley and you're kind of coasting through life without pursuing God like He's pursuing you, I want to encourage you to prepare yourself. Prepare for a valley, because there is one in your future. If you have a pulse, you will enter a valley at some point in the near future. (I know I just wrote valley a lot.) Draw near to God, ask Him to create a hunger in your soul that can only be filled by Him. If you're not feeling passionate about Him, ask Him to create that passion! A valley can be the best time in your life if your perspective is alligned with God's. I am SO thankful that God walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death. He promises to always walk with us. I have eaten an entire humble pie...perhaps two. I'm gonna eat some everyday and everyday, I will watch and listen as my Shepherd lovingly guides me and protects me.

Lastly, please pray for my friend Debbie. We met through blogland and if you think my valley was difficult, you would not believe what she is walking through. Tomorrow, the 5th, she is having a complete hysterectomy to see how much cancer she has. Her estranged husband is about as low as they get and she is beside herself with concern for her children. She also struggles to have unwaivering faith in God and must feel so very, very lonely. My heart breaks for her and for so many others who are experiencing extremely difficult times and feel far from God. Please join with me in prayer for Debbie. Debbie, I am praying for you. God loves you SO much. He is with you, His promises are to YOU. He will not leave you or foresake you. He is in every breath you take, Debbie. He WILL rescue you. He WILL be your husband and a wonderful father to your kids. His love for you is astounding. Believe it.

Additionally...

2008-02-18T23:12:00.003-05:00

Here are the questions we'll be discussing at Girl Talk this Thursday...thought those of you in blogland might enjoy them.

1- This week we started off our message talking about the story of the sheep named Shrek. The analogy was that if we aren't careful we can neglect "care for our souls". Why do you think that taking care of ourselves spiritually tends to get pushed to the "back burner" in our lives?
2- Doug asked us the question, "What have you done this week to care for your soul?". How did you answer that question?

3- Re-read the Mike Yaconelli quote and share your thoughts about his brutal honesty concerning his spiritual life...

“I knew what it meant to believe in Jesus, I didn’t know what it meant to be with Jesus. I knew how to talk with Jesus, I didn’t know how to sit still long enough to let Jesus talk to me. I found it easy to do the work of God, but I had no idea how to let God work in me. I understood soul-saving, but I was clueless about soul making. I knew how to be busy, but I didn’t know how to be still. I could talk about God; I just couldn’t listen to God. I felt comfortable with God’s people, but I felt uncomfortable alone with God. I was acquainted with the God ‘out-there’, but I was a complete stranger to the God ‘in-here’. I could meet God anywhere…except in my heart, in my soul, in my being.”

4- Doug talked about our need to SLOW DOWN. In his message he shared a prescription to R.E.L.A.X. Review each of these points and the verses together and share your thoughts.

1. REALIZE MY WORTH (James 1:18)

2. ENJOY WHAT I ALREADY HAVE (Ecc. 3:13)

3. LIMIT MY LABOR (Ex. 20:8-11)

4. ADJUST MY VALUES (Mark 8:36)

5. EXCHANGE MY PRESSURE FOR GOD'S PEACE (Isa. 26:3)

5- What are some things that you can intentionally do this week to prepare for Doug asking again this Sunday, "What I have done to care for my soul"?

More of Psalm 23

2008-02-17T15:58:00.002-05:00

This morning's message touched my heart. You know, last year (and right now too!) I was basking in the love of God...realizing my worth in His eyes. Every day brought a new understanding of God's love for His children. I let Him enscribe His Truths on my heart. I am overcome with emotion when I think of how many people have no idea how much God loves them. Their souls must be in agony.

Today Doug talked about Soul Care. I know the importance of taking time to nurture my heart and soul...taking the time to listen to God. I spend a lot of time in the car and a lot of time by myself while I clean. What a blessing that time is!! I am priviledged to have so much time to talk to God and listen to what He has to tell me. This has not always been the case. I have been consumed with doing rather than being. Something Doug said today struck me right between the eyes. He said, "Lack of rest is a sign of immaturity". Whoa!! In a society that brags about how busy it is, this is quite the accusation! But it is so true, isn't it? Taking the time to rest and enjoy God's masterpiece is exactly what God has instructed us to do. Here is a rewritten Psalm 23, I think it will resonate with you:

Marcia Hornok struck a nerve when she took the Psalm that most expresses our need for quiet and rest and rewrote it in the style of our tired, stressed-out culture.

The clock is my dictator, I shall not rest.
It makes me lie down only when exhausted.

It leads me to deep depression.

It hounds my soul.

It leads me in circles of frenzy for activity’s sake.
Even though I run frantically from task to task, I will never get it all done,

For my “ideal” is with me.
Deadlines and my need for approval, they drive me.
They demand performance from me,

beyond the limits of my schedule.
They anoint my head with migraines.

My in-basket over flows.
Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever.

Here are Doug's suggestions for Learning To Slow Down:

1. Realize my worth

2. Enjoy what I already have

3. Limit my labor (!!!)

4. Adjust my values

5. Exchange pressure for peace

May you be filled with the knowledge deep in your heart of God's intense, unfailing love for you and His great desire that you enjoy the life He has given you!

Needing your prayer!

2008-02-14T09:41:00.002-05:00

I found out on Saturday that I have to be out of my friend's house by March 1. I need another 6 months to really be back on my feet financially, so I'm praying for another kind soul to help us out. As I told my Dad, I hate not feeling 100% independent. He reminded me that I'm not independent right now and that's okay...I need help and I need to be willing to ask for it.
Specifically, I'm asking for prayer for these things:
God's favor on my real estate business and reward for my hard work
A wonderful place for Jackson and I to live temporarily
Child support
A full day kindergarten program for Jackson
Energy for packing up in the next 2 weeks while working 6 days a week
Peace in Jackson's spirit--he doesn't want to move again
Thanks so much for your continued support for Jackson and me.

The Truth about Divorce

2008-02-08T23:43:00.000-05:00

If you haven't read Ecclesiates lately, you really should. I have never been so tickled by Scripture! In a nutshell: Eat well, drink good wine, work hard, and have fun. I pity those who don't read God's Word. They're missing out BIG time!!!

So...this journey was a roller coaster, huh? Would love to hear your thoughts on how it progressed and how God spoke to you. My desire has been that through my openness and vulnerability, you would hear God speaking to your heart. Has that happened to you?

Back in April, I was seeing things in black and white. God's Word says He hates divorce. I thought that to please Him, I needed to save my marriage. I thought: Divorce is bad, marriage is good. Now that I have walked through this journey, I can see things from a different perspective. But I have zero regrets!! I followed my heart and sought God's direction through it all. The truth is, we really cannot say what we would do in someone else's situation. I'm sure a lot of people think I should have just kept my mouth shut and gotten a quick divorce. And I'm sure there are others who think I should have refused a divorce and continued to believe that God would heal my marriage. Either of those paths may be right for others, but not for me. I have learned the importance of listening and offering empathy. Everyone is on a different journey for God's purpose. It is so important to remember that God is sovereign and some of us have to beat our heads against a wall in order to clear out ourselves and make room for God!

Psalm 23

2008-02-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

We watched this quick clip in church yesterday morning and I loved it so much that I wanted to share it. Enjoy!

Yeah, it's been awhile!

2008-02-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

The past 2 weeks have flown by...I cannot believe I haven't posted in 14 days. Anyway, there are some things I want to share with you.
First, on January 29th, we received our divorce decree from the magistrate. Thank you so much for faithfully praying for us over these past 9 months or so. Honestly, it feels like 5 years have gone by...
Second, as we left the courthouse, G expressed to me his frustration with not finding a fire fighting job here in Colorado. With a court order to pay child support, he felt he needed to go where the jobs are...and that's Virginia. There are many layers to this and I am choosing not to disect him in blogland, so please pray as you feel led. He left Wednesday morning and moved to Virginia.
I was in shock for about 36 hours and also came down with the flu within hours of him telling me his plans. My heart breaks for him and for Jackson, having to be apart. I'm scared to death of doing this alone. No, not alone, but it felt that way on Tuesday and Wednesday.
I am really, really tired. My body aches, my house is a wreck, there is SO much to do. But all of that is because I love Jackson with my whole heart. He will always come first...I don't have to be perfect, my house doesn't have to be spotless, and it's okay if the bills are strewn all over my desk. Jackson reminds me that life is fun and full of adventure. He keeps me humble.
I am SO blessed to have amazing friends. Every person who has heard about the newest twist has offered to help in any way they can. I am pretty darn independent, but I will be asking for help. It blesses them to bless me.
I was so encouraged by all of your uplifting comments regarding my last post. Mean people do suck don't they? :-) I am still readying The Secret Message of Jesus (it's super-meaty with lots of Scripture references!) and here is a quote from McLaren that I just had to share: "your exposure exposes the naked greed and cruelty of your oppressors". Like I've said before, exposure can be very freeing. My sin has been exposed and examined under a microscope. It is painful, but I embrace it because once it's exposed and I've claimed it (yes, CLAIMED my own sin!!) I am set free. That's grace. There are not adequate words in the dictionary to define grace. I never got it until I "got it". Well this is going nowhere fast...what I really want to impress is that the quote I quoted is not just about people who are outright against you. It's about those who are even closest to you but might envy you or want to change you. It's about you and me.
Next post: The Truth About Divorce

Interesting thing about a blog...

2008-01-18T00:45:00.000-05:00

Is that it's a place for the blogger to write about whatever the heck he or she wants to write about. I, personally, have chosen to be quite vulnerable and express my feelings through what has been the hardest life lessons I have had to learn so far. Recently I have received some incredibly insensitive comments that have hurt me deeply. 2 of them were on the post titled Griffin Jacob, the son that we lost. The comments imply that I deserve what I have endured. That I am a fake.
About 10 years ago, I hurt a friend of mine. We weren't very close, but that doesn't matter...what matters is that her feelings were not put first and she was hurt. A few months afterward, I expressed to this friend my regret in hurting her. She forgave me. I was 21 years old and have learned a lot since then.
I certainly do not claim to be a good Christian. I claim to love and serve a God who unselfishly lavishes love and grace upon all of humanity. I often do not serve him as well as I would like to. I mess up all the time. And that is why I am so crazy about God. He is my maker and he loves me just the way I am. He wants what is best for me and has given me a masterpiece filled with hope and guidance for a joy-filled life. And I don't deserve it at all.
I'm not sure if the person writing in pursuit of hurting me is feeling like they need to defend the person I was married to for 6 1/2 years...but rest assured that those who know me and who read this blog without hatred know without a doubt that I love him. I care deeply for him and that is why my heart has felt so much pain.
So I will continue writing about my journey. It's a journey filled with mistakes, grace, forgiveness, and lots of love. But most of all my journey is one of hope. And I pray that it continues to be a testimony to others that God can restore even the most hopeless of situations.

Do I Want To Be A Christian?

2008-01-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

I have been struggling with the term "Christian". I know where it came from and I know why it exists. But somehow it just doesn't seem quite right to me. I'm a child of God and I believe that Jesus is his son, The Messiah. This article, which I found on my friend's blog: http://www.blogtherefuge.blogspot.com/, puts into words what I've been thinking about.

this is written by jim henderson, the director of off the map & author of jim & casper go to church as part of january's issue of idealab, their monthly ezine. we liked it so much we thought we'd pass it on to refuge readers, too. enjoy.

In 1543 Nicolas Copernicus published his treatise De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium (The Revolution of Celestial Spheres) and ushered into popular discourse the phrase “Copernican Revolution.” This Copernican Revolution pitted one powerful paradigm – it’s all about us, against another – it’s all about something outside of us.

When paradigms collide it can make for lots of excitement and provoke tons of resistance from those holding a vested interest in maintaining the status quo… As Tom Friedman the Pulitzer winning journalist once commented “those with power never think about it but those without power think about it all the time”.

The unfortunate truth about history (thus far) is that when it comes to powerful paradigm change, the church has often been on the side of the resisters. Peter Drucker said, “Every few hundred years in Western society there occurs a sharp transformation. Within a few short decades, society rearranges itself… We are currently living through such a transformation.” Apparently, Drucker believed that we’re currently living through a cultural transformation unlike anything that has happened since the 18th Century. That would include the American Revolution, the Civil War, World Wars I and II, the atomic bomb and even the Beatles!

What if there’s a Copernican Revolution going on and we don’t “see” it, what if we’re on the wrong side again? Exploiting Discontinuity Napoleon made a name for himself by doing two things, (1) He chose to sneak up on his enemies instead fighting them head on and (2) he actually killed people. Prior to this, warfare in Europe was more like a professional sport. Generals were like attorneys. Feudal lords would hire the best Generals to lead their private armies into a battle where no one actually fought very similar to our judicial system where most cases are negotiated rather than litigated. Each General would attempt to gain an advantageous position on his opponent in anticipation that the loser would “sue” for an end to the war/game. No one wanted to waste their resources so once it became clear who would most likely win – they would break out the wine glasses, sit down and negotiate an agreement. By choosing to kill people Napoleon exploited the discontinuity and became the ruler of France (for awhile).

How can we exploit the discontinuity in our world and use it to advance this opportunity to free Jesus from the stranglehold religion has placed on him and once again take him public?

Why Do We Follow Culture

Where did the Jesus movement lose its edge? How did we get in bed with power? Where did we learn to follow rather than lead culture? Where is Jesus in this thing we call Christianity? How did we get into the religion business anyway? Where could you take Jesus to church and not feel like you had to explain it to him? In Transforming Mission, David Bosch writes “Jesus had no intention of founding a new religion” Somewhere along the line the Jesus Movement got into the religion business. This is so commonly accepted that I rarely hear it questioned and yet Jesus never said one thing about his movement adopting the world religions business model. What he did do was talk obsessively about advancing his movement (a.k.a. kingdom) How did it happen that we went into the business of church and religion?What happened to the Jesus Movement?How did Jesus the Savior subsume Jesus the Servant?Why do we Christians typically react to changes in culture rather than lead them? Free Jesus.

Off The Map is the organization I started seven years ago to help take Jesus public again. Free Jesus! Sounds arrogant doesn’t it? But if Drucker and Bosch are correct then this is a great time to attempt such a rescue. In case you didn’t get the memo…Jesus is not part of the public dialog on spirituality – We’ve ceded that ground to the Dali Lama, Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins and Oprah.

What if Jesus was once again public property?What if following in the way of Jesus involved more than right beliefs? What if followers of Jesus led this movement and took the spirituality of serving public? What if Jesus was seen as the founder of a movement that serves others – instead of one that judges others? What if the Jesus movement got out of the beliefs business and back into the serving business where it all started?

Free Jesus!

2008-01-16T00:27:00.001-05:00

The post below was posted January 15, 2008.

Griffin Jacob

2008-01-16T00:05:00.000-05:00

Today was Griffin's due date. It is hard to believe that under other circumstances, I would be preparing for my baby to come home.
Last night Jackson caught the end of a news story about a kindergartener who was killed by a falling flat screen TV. He was so sad about it and concerned for the boy who died, so we prayed for the boy and his family. I prayed first and then Jackson prayed a precious prayer. Afterward he said, "Mom, when will our baby come back to Earth?". I said, "Well, when Jesus comes back."
I was looking through pictures the other day and there were a lot that I took of Jackson in Virginia. I literally become sick to my stomach when I think of our time there. I also hate that Jackson has had to endure what he has. There have been a few times in the last week when someone has said, "So you just moved back from Virginia, right?". I feel my chest constrict and my stomach start to churn as soon as the statement has been said. I am so glad to be back in Colorado and out of that hell. I am grateful for all that I've learned and for the wonderful friendships that I had the opportunity to develop while I was there. But I certainly don't like to spend too much time thinking about all that went on during that time of my life.
I think about Griffin everyday. I'm not usually too sad, but a couple of times a week it's as though grief slaps me in the face. It only lasts a few minutes, but it always takes me by surprise. I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him someday!

Quick Note

2008-01-14T09:56:00.001-05:00

Jeepers, I wish I had more time to post!
Thanks to those of you who have been praying...knowing that we went to court last week. The process isn't quite over yet but should be by January 29th.
I have been asked to speak at a Mom's Day of Prayer this coming Saturday, the 19th. I am one of 3 or 4 mothers who will be sharing their stories. I am really excited for this and have a pretty good idea of what I will be sharing...of course, I'd still love your prayers for God's message and love to shine through my story.
I wrote a response to a friend of mine who is going through a rough time and is hoping that this is the beginning of becoming a new person. I want to share with you what I wrote:

So...on becoming a new person. It's kind of indescribable. For a very long time...I guess about 10 years...I thought I understood Christianity. I thought I knew the formula for being a good Christian. In the fall of 2006 I did a phenomenal study of Romans and I finally started to comprehend grace. And that's when I started realizing that my approach to Christianity was backward. I started to loosen up a bit after that. And then when the rug was pulled out from under me last year, I thought, "Okay, everything must change. If I am not a successful Realtor, if I am not a beloved wife, who am I? Who does God say that I am?" And that's when my hunger for God's Word became insatiable. I couldn't get enough of it. I realized that my external circumstances could change at any time and so I had to be deeply rooted in the love of God. It's sooo hard to put what was happening inside me into words. But--when I went to the Word with that attitude, it read much differently than it had before. It didn't read as something I needed to understand correctly. It read as God speaking to me what I needed to know in that very moment. I knew that I would come back to those very words in a year or two and that God would be teaching me something different. I realized that I had failed my husband by not giving him the same grace that I accept on a daily basis from God. I am realizing more and more that modern Christianity has gotten very far from the teachings of Jesus. I had become rigid!! I couldn't even have much fun anymore. I realize that might be the opposite of your situation...which means you might actually be closer to becoming a new person than I was. The interesting thing about my situation is that I didn't think I was rigid. I thought I was open minded, against fundamentalism, radical even. But I was deathly afraid of sin. I didn't want to be near it. I didn't want to see my own sin. It's painful, but I now constantly look for the sin in my life. I believe 100% that exposure is the most freeing experience a person can have. Of course, that 's if the exposure is followed by repentance--obviously. Exposure-Repentance-Forgiveness. I have to be able to forgive myself. If God's not going to hold it against me, why should I?So...that's the best I can do right now. I realize your situation must be painful. I'm sorry. It sucks. I'm thankful that I can honestly say that the pain I experienced in Virginia might actually be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope that'll be true for you too! Love lots,Erin

repentance

2007-12-30T16:07:00.000-05:00

re·pent·ance –noun
1. deep sorrow, compunction, or contrition for a past sin, wrongdoing, or the like.
2. regret for any past action.

hu·mil·i·ty –noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

hum·ble adj.
Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.
Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.
Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage.

Humility
a prominent Christian grace (Rom. 12:3; 15:17, 18; 1 Cor. 3:5-7; 2 Cor. 3:5; Phil. 4:11-13). It is a state of mind well pleasing to God (1 Pet. 3:4); it preserves the soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33), and makes us patient under trials (Job 1:22). Christ has set us an example of humility (Phil. 2:6-8). We should be led thereto by a remembrance of our sins (Lam. 3:39), and by the thought that it is the way to honour (Prov. 16:18), and that the greatest promises are made to the humble (Ps. 147:6; Isa. 57:15; 66:2; 1 Pet. 5:5). It is a "great paradox in Christianity that it makes humility the avenue to glory."
Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary

For the past few weeks I have been asking God to show me how I have sinned against George. It is hard for George to communicate to me how I have hurt him...it always ends up sounding like he's accusing me and blaming me and then I get angry and defensive. And then we're both extra angry. My heart has been heavy and in my journey to become the woman that God created me to be, I have desired humility. I have written about my old desire to change George to be more of what I wanted him to be. Even though there are certain changes that would need to take place in order for our marriage to be healed, I have worked very hard at treating him with grace and acceptance. But I felt like I was missing something. I felt like my apologies were not enough for George.

Yesterday George and I had an argument and I was feeling really frustrated. I felt like all of the ways in which I have changed and grown have not been recognized by George. So after my phone died mid-conversation, I sat down to write out my thoughts and feelings. When I reread what I wrote, one paragraph really convicted me. I wrote:

Our marriage could have been saved. You know that I made a 180 degree turn when you finally talked to me about how you were feeling. Unfortunately, that change was not respected. You just continued to hurt me. Even when I was pregnant and carrying our child, you did not respect me. You will never know the depth of the hurt that I endured. I cry every time I think about it. You can try to compare my chiding you for being rude while we were married but I never abandoned you. Being abandoned is the absolute worst feeling in the world.

At the moment I read those words, God showed me that George has also felt abandoned. That when I withheld my love from him and became emotionally distant, he felt abandoned. He tried to tell me what he needed from me but I wouldn't give it to him without him giving me what I needed. Tears flooded my face when I realized the depth of George's pain. Being abandoned IS the worst feeling in the world. And we've both felt that way.

I talked to George this morning and repented. My sorrow was deep. I felt a cloud lift off of our relationship. I don't know if my repentance changes anything, but I made certain before I talked to George that I was repenting for the right reason. I didn't expect anything in return, I just wanted him to know how sorry I am for the hurt I caused him.

Friends

2007-12-29T10:02:00.000-05:00

My friends have taken very good care of me. Since I encouraged you to help the single moms you know, I thought I'd take the time to share with you how my friends have helped me.

Shelly and Matt let us live in their basement! I helped with babysitting so I that I could also be a blessing to them.
Adrienne invited me on a mountain getaway that I couldn't normally afford and made me dinner. It was a great way to let my heart and mind rest and to feel special.
Audie and Alexis had us over for dinner a couple of times and included us in their tree cutting adventure!
Many people have sent cards and emails to let me know they're thinking of us.
Adrienne and Jason gave me a desk that they didn't plan to use in their new house. This saved me the cost of having to buy a new one.
Scott is letting me live in his house!!
Many friends have hired me to clean for them and have referred me to their friends.
Jenn and Eric gave me some Christmas Cash, which allowed me to really relax while I was in Texas.
Ginger put together a gift basket based on my "I'm thankful for..." list on Thanksgiving!! She gave me gift cards to Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, Starbucks, & Tokyo Joe's and a candle, some coffee, a Mercy Me CD, and chocolate. I was speechless.
Jenn gave us a ride to the airport and April picked us up at the last minute!
Kathryn purchased a skin care set from me.
Lisa sent me an encouraging card and a generous gift.
Many people have offered to help with watching Jackson.
Kim sent me a fancy ring of notecards to help me in my quest for memorizing Scripture. She also sent Jackson some cool pins...which he loves. Thanks Kim!

I'm sure there are many more that I'm forgetting to mention right now. Thanks, friends, for loving us and taking such good care of us.

2007-12-28T17:32:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time, huh? I hardly had time time to breathe during the 2 weeks prior to December 20th. Jackson and I left for Texas on the 20th and got back to Colorado last night. Yesterday was long and ugly...as Jackson put it, "Mom, we've got to get out of this mess!". But we did have a good time with our family in Texas and it was wonderful to get some R & R. I'll post some pictures as soon as Blogger will let me.
I have been hesitant these last few months to post much about my marriage. I didn't want to create a barrier that would keep us from restoring our relationship. But it seems that much of what I do or don't do makes no difference where my marriage is concerned so I'm going to give a detailed update.

Most of this post has been removed.

He was letting me take all of the responsibility and of course I am, because I'm a mom!! So far I have not received child support since October 4th when he gave me about 60% of that month's support. I am selling things left and right to keep up with the cost of supporting myself and Jackson and I'm cleaning about 4 days a week and working real estate the other 3 days plus all evenings after Jackson goes to bed. I am thankful that I have the ability to work hard but it is taking everything out of me. And I can't live in Scott's house forever...we'll need a place of our own soon. I'm writing about this because I have a new understanding of what it means to be a single mom. Please, if you know a single mom, do what you can to help her. It's hard to ask for help because I don't want to interfere with my friends' lives, but I don't have family here to ask. And I only have one kid! I can't imagine what's it's like for single moms with more than one kid who work 5 days a week and are solely responsible for the livelihood of their families. Emotionally, it is hard to be without a partner and to constantly worry about how your kids are handling the divorce. Physically, it's hard to be responsible for a house, the yard, the car, yourself, your kids, and your bills. Mentally it's hard to parent alone, to make decisions alone, and to be the sole bread winner. Single moms are amazing!!!
I will be starting DivorceCare next month and have heard that it is an amazing program and very helpful in embracing forgiveness. I still have a soft spot in my heart for G and pray daily that he will become humble, loving, kind, and responsible. We go to court January 7th to receive our divorce decree.
I have a lot more on my heart but I will continue at another time. This post is already a novel!
Merry Christmas and I pray that all of you reading will embrace the message that God sent us through his son, Jesus Christ. God's kingdom is at hand, it is available, you need only believe it and start living a transformed life. Happy New Year!

Had to

2007-12-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

share these tips. I'm reading Barbara Corcoran's Use What You've Got and in it she shares her mom's unconventional lessons such as:
* If you don't have big breasts, put ribbons on your pigtails.
* When the clubhouse is quiet, they're probably not making spaghetti.
* If you want to be a cheerleader, you better know the cheers.
* When there are 10 buyers and 3 puppies, every dog is the pick of the litter.
* Jumping out the window will make you either an ass or a hero.
* You've got to bully a bully.

God has blessed me with a booming cleaning business. I plan to hire someone to help me in January. That said, I can't get ahead with the income I'm currently earning. It's time to get down to business in real estate. Unfortunately, in this market, with 10 buyers comes a lot more than 3 puppies! So, it's a tough market, that's okay. I'm just going to put this out there -- my goal is to sell $6 million in real estate next year. I'm usually a $5 million producer and that's good income, but I want to surpass that and really grow my business. If you're not into business, I'm sorry if I'm boring you. There are 2 things I really love reading about and talking about: the living out of Christian faith and business strategies and practices.

So I'm thinking about starting a real estate blog. What do you think? Everyone hears on the news what goes on in the real estate market...but that's from a national perspective and real estate is different city by city. I think it would be cool to write about what I experience in the market on a daily basis. I'm sure there are other people around the country doing this, but I haven't heard of them yet. But who cares, right? There will always be other people doing what I'm doing. I just have to do it better. :-) So, would you read a local real estate blog? If you're not currently concerned about the real estate market, would you read the blog if you were getting ready to put your house on the market or start looking for a new place to live?

Okay, onto to other thoughts. I was at a really fun wine tasting party last night at Thomas and Dana's house. There must have been about 30 people there and it was a good crowd. Somehow a few of us got into a conversation about emergent churches and reformed churches. It was great conversation. I am fairly educated about the emergent church network, but had not heard of Mark Driscoll and the reformed church movement. Obviously I've heard of the Reformation, but not the new breed. This morning I was researching Mars Hill Church, Mark Driscoll, emergent village, and Brian MacLaren and what I found was deeply disturbing. One opposes the other's questions and beliefs and because each movement has a ginormous following, I fear the Christian community is gearing up for another fundamental split. The big split we all know of and hear about is between the conservatives and the liberals--Christians, that is. Now I fear that because one movement is asking "can we move beyond conservativism and liberalism into the postmodern world?" many people will be afraid of the question and not even consider what the answer may be. God tells us that because we have his Spirit, we will know the truth. We don't have to be afraid of the questions and the conversations. It's okay to think outside the box!! I find it hard to believe that 16th century theologians have the final say on interpretation of God's Word!! Don't get me wrong, I believe in absolute truth and scriptural inerrancy. What I'm saying is that it is so easy to become a fundamentalist. We MUST be careful about becoming self-righteous and so worried about being right. How do we, as Christ followers, fit into the 21st century? While the rest of the world is evolving, emerging, growing, thinking, and embracing uniqueness, I think it is pretty safe to say that Christians and the Church have some catching up to do.
And just so I'm clear, I'm not associating myself with either the emergent church or the reformed church. I associate myself with Jesus Christ. And I like to know what's happening in his Church.

Monday thru Saturday

2007-12-02T21:20:00.000-05:00

I like the new me. I've been pondering the peace I have and comparing my new self to my old self. I think truly liking, even loving, myself is a huge factor. When the rug was pulled out from under me back in April, I asked, "Who does God say that I am?". God says he created me in his image. So that tells me that at the heart of me is God and his qualities. The more I discovered God's love for me, the more I fell in love with God. And the more I have connected with God, the more I love myself. And the more I seek God and obey him, the more I like myself.
Something I want everyone to know is that God speaks to me through his Word. That dusty Bible that might be sitting on a shelf beyond reach in your closet holds miracles just waiting to happen...if only you'd read it. I go to a church that delivers a God-given message each and every Sunday. It's inspiring and powerful but it's not enough. Corporate worship is an integral part of my faith journey, but the most powerful part comes from God's Spirit...which is this crazy combination of his Word and the Holy Spirit. Every time I open my Bible, I ask God's Spirit to speak to me, to give me a new word and to help me hear it. There have been times in the last year that I've just gone in search of something in God's Word, only to have to stop after a few minutes and ask God to guide me. I guess it's similar to the idea of praying in the Spirit...only it's reading in the Spirit. Of course, they may be one in the same.
All that to say that God gave us his Word...I mean, it's not just this little project he thought he'd tackle for fun. God knows you. He made you, he knows every thought you have, he knows...even the stuff you hope nobody knows. So if you have the message of God, the famous one, sitting somewhere in your house, gathering dust, go get it. Blow off the dust. Talk to God, ask him to speak to you, and open up his Word that he breathes new every time one of his Beloveds lays eyes on it.

Memories and Hope

2007-11-27T00:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got out all of Jackson's old clothes and started sorting through them so that I can take the good ones to a consignment shop. I didn't expect it to be so hard. I had expected to use the clothes again for Griffin and holding those little outfits was a harsh reminder that Griffin won't wear them. Memories kept flooding my heart and mind. It is difficult to accept that the life I tried so hard to create for my family just did not work. George, Jackson, and I did have lots of great time together and it was those precious family times that I was fighting so hard to hold on to. For me, they were reason enough to work hard to heal our family.
So anyway, it was a nostalgic day and Jackson was with George. I'm certain the aloneness made the nostalgia more intense. I finished the two books I'd been reading: Diary of a Real Estate Rookie and A New Kind of Christian so I headed out to the library to return them and to see if I could find anything else I'd like to read. I read the jacket of Heaven by Randy Alcorn and was instantly drawn to discovering more about where Griffin is living. I also checked out the new Robert B. Parker novel, Stone Cold. I just finished it. Heaven is waiting on my bedside table and I'll start it tonight.
I cannot express the depth of my hope for our future. God's promises are so hugely intense and wonderful!! I've shared some things that I'm doing differently now, having learned some painful lessons. Something that has been striking me lately is that I have more patience now. "Good things come to those who wait." I have lots of dreams and aspirations...always have. But the "old me" couldn't wait for anything. I had to have it/do it NOW! I jumped the gun too many times, cutting corners and expecting everything to "work itself out". No more. I'm exercising caution and patience and combining them with hard work, prayer, and active listening. There is a really common saying that has started to really bother me. "Life is short". Well, not really. Life is eternal. What does living with an eternal perspective look like? I guess for me it means living patiently, making wise decisions, exercising caution, amongst other things. I can't cram a bunch of activities into my schedule in order to be sure that I don't die with any regrets. My priorities are my son, my family, my friends, and anyone else God intersects me with. I want to be really aware of relationship opportunities. I don't want to be so busy that I don't have time to stop to talk the lady in the grocery store who is just dying for someone to care. Or whoever. For some reason, I always think of meeting people in a grocery store. Strange. But you get my point.
I have been given a huge responsibility. His name is Jackson. His favorite thing to do right now is to play Memory with Mom. He's really good at it. The more we play, the better he gets, and the more opportunities I have to applaud him. I make a point to look for reasons to be proud of him. He amazes me when he just breaks out in prayer, usually in the car. Today we were driving home and he said, "God, please send me a little brother like Griffin." Oh man, that one got me good. He catches me off guard. He is a really great person.
Well, I could go on, but it's way past my bedtime and my laptop battery is about to die. Peace be with you!

2007-11-21T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been 2 weeks since my last post. I've been busier than I enjoy being. We have mostly moved into our new home...we're loving it. It is wonderful to have our own space and togetherness again. We lived with our friends, the Rettmers, for 2 1/2 months and I could not have asked for a better situation. They were so generous and easy going with us...and I know it could not have been easy to cohabitate for such a long time!! And what's more, we're still friends! :-)

I have been cleaning a lot of houses, which is a huge blessing, but I sure have been worn out! Yesterday I slept straight from 10:00 pm to 8:00 am...I guess I was tired. I'm hoping to use the long weekend to finish unpacking boxes and get things a little more organized.

Jackson is spending Thanksgiving with George. I had a dream last night about my doctor at UVA, who was assisting Griffin's birth and was my primary doctor. And today I kept having short flashbacks to the day I had him. I guess it's just hitting me that this special, thankful day is going to be different. Just different. You know, I am truly grateful for so much in my life, especially for second chances, forgiveness, grace, fresh starts, etc. I guess that perhaps I was so anxious to get the heck out of Virginia and back to Colorado that I didn't take enough time to say good-bye. I don't want to relive that period of my life, but I do think that someday I will need to go back for some closure. Anyway...I think that as I enjoy time with close friends tomorrow, I will also be grieving.

THANK YOU all for praying for me and this divorce process. George and I met in court on Monday and were given the date for our decree of dissolution: January 7th, 2008. All of our forms must be filed with the court by December 7th. I will be having the forms looked over by an attorney to be sure we haven't missed anything.

As I sit here, thinking of all that has been on my heart lately, I especially remember the story of a single mom with 3 kids who lives in a rescue mission in CA. She was an addict but successfully went through the mission's recovery program and is now in her 1st semester of college. She said that with Jesus Christ in her life, no matter what her circumstances may be, she knows she is whole, that she is okay, and she will make it. I am so thankful that the life that Jesus offers is not circumstantial. It defies the obvious. It redefines who we are. It truly does set us free.

It is my hope that my story will be used to ignite a radical change in the lives of those who hear it. A change that comes from knowing that God is the author of life. That who we are in him is as good as it gets. That he IS the one and only. All of our wants and needs are satisfied by him alone. His love is not circumstantial. He meets us where we are. He meets us right where we are.

I am thankful for: Jackson, petite syrah, natural Cheetos, sunshine, mountains, blogs, hot water, modal pajamas, digital cameras, free PCS to PCS minutes, mascara, God's Word, people who are smarter than me, people who are kinder than me, people who are more creative than me, doctors with excellent bedside manner, 400 thread count sheets, coffee, real friends, heated seats, microfiber cloths, indoor plumbing, loving family, Mercy Me, Plum Creek Community Church, and diet Coke. Oh, and Tokyo Joe's!

Prayer

2007-11-07T16:05:00.000-05:00

Hi friends. I'm writing this to ask you to pray for me. I'm nervous about the upcoming few months as far as the divorce is concerned. I just don't know what to expect and I want to be sure I cover all of my bases. I can't afford an attorney, so I'm up to by eyeballs in legalise. Of course I trust God, but He's not going to fill out the paperwork for me! I have so much on my plate as it is, and adding in the hours I'll be spending on the divorce is overwhelming. So, please pray for me.
Thanks!

Oh-And Kim, if you're reading this, will you give us an update on your surgery?

I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again

2007-11-04T09:33:00.000-05:00

We've all heard this song that was popular in the late 90s. Little did I know that this is actually straight out of God's Word!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10:

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

and...

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.

WOW!!

I have been soaking up these words daily this past week. Life is really hard right now. George and I are moving forward with the divorce. I have to continually ask myself, what will please God? I have no need to please anyone but Him. I am learning to be a better listener and to be very patient. I am so thankful that God is eternally unchanging because that means His Word to his Beloveds is eternally unchanging. And I don't know what I'd do without the Word of God.

I also don't know what I'd do without supportive friends. I am so grateful to have people in my life who love me and want what is best for me and for Jackson. I have been blown away by the burden others have for us...and some of these people I have never met! It's pretty normal to be self-absorbed when going through a crisis. And I hate that fact. I'm trying really hard to be a good friend, available to listen, and not constantly talk about myself. :-) I feel that I have a short ways to go before I can start pouring myself into serving others. I just don't have a lot to pour out yet. I do know, without a doubt, that my testimony will be used to encourage others and so I am diligently seeking God's Spirit and writing down what He teaches me.

We have moved all of our stuff from the storage units over to the house we'll be living in for a while. This week I'll spend time getting set up at the new place and then Jackson and I will move in. He's really excited to have his own room again...although I suspect he'll have a hard time sleeping without me right next to him. I have gotten so busy with Go Green Clean and real estate that I'm realizing I MUST plan activities with Jackson. I may have mentioned that I'm not the most organized person (you may have assumed this because I'm in sales!) but you better believe I'm going to become one. Jackson is 4 years old. He is so young and impressionable and it is my responsibility to instill in him godly values, self-esteem, and good character. Single parenting is much different than dual parenting. It's harder and takes more focus. So that means my time cannot be wasted and I must be diligent in following a schedule.

I started this post early this morning and it is now 8:46 pm. I've had a full day. A wonderful time of worship and learning this morning, a quick open house, a birthday party for one of Jackson's friends, unpacking at the new place, "home" for dinner and some stories, Jackson to bed, a little work, and now finishing up the blog. And what a random post this one has turned out to be!

And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. Andn may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is.

Ephesians 3:17-18

Be on High Alert

2007-10-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

I am on high alert. I'm no dummy, I can feel the enemy attacking from all angles. I'm so sick of him. I get it, you're trying to destroy my family, you're trying to destroy me. Get lost.

I'm doing something now that I've never done until this year. I'm doing my best to double check everything I do with God. I cannot afford to stray from His Word. The truth is, I am paying now for straying for too long. It's painful and hard, but every time I go to the Lord in anguish, in worry, or in fear, He reminds me of His promise to restore me.

Today was a rough day for no particular reason. I cleaned a house this morning and just kept replaying April through August in my mind. I didn't want to and wasn't trying to feel sorry for myself, the memories just kept coming. I was getting sadder and angrier by the minute. And that was followed by the adding up of bills that need to be paid but aren't going to get paid anytime soon. My client's house got a good scrubbing!

When I left, I had about an hour before I needed to pick up Jackson from school so I went to our new place (oh! I keep forgetting to tell you about it...will do), walked to the couch and got on my knees and just let it all out to God. By the end, I was just listening and what He reminded me was that my job is to work like the ants and His promise is that He will bring restoration to my life. Proverbs 6:6-11 & Isaiah 4:2-6

I am SO grateful for the opportunity to clean houses. This is not my dream job, by any means, but this is a way for me to earn good money without having to work an 8-5, dead end job. A JOB could quite possibly kill me. I am just not cut out for hours spent in a cubicle. I really enjoy cleaning my clients' houses and knowing that I just saved them a lot of stress and time. I know how great it is to come home to a clean house...I personally function much better in a clean house than in a dirty one. That said, cleaning is hard work. I have been so sore that I cannot walk normally. And I am going to have to pick up a few more clients to make ends meet. If you think about it, please pray for mega-strength and energy.

I'm also plunging into real estate this weekend. I'm doing 2 open houses, getting my website back up and running, and sending out marketing to all of my contacts. I know I need to work hard and then see what God has planned. Will you also please pray that I use my time wisely and that I'm able to start working with some buyers pretty quickly?

So back to being on high alert. It is sad that it took such a big smack on the bum for me to realize that I need to be on high alert. It is so clear that throughout God's Word, He is asking us to seek Him in ALL things. He gives us a very clear guide for living an abundant life. I don't mean a life without hard times. I mean a guilt-free, freedom-filled life. As Psalm 34:4-5 says:

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me,

freeing me from all my fears.

Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Radiant with joy. No shame. Thank you for this promise, Lord! It reminds me that my work is not only in cleaning houses and selling real estate, but also in seeking my Lord's will for me and being obedient. My job is to read His Word...His LIVING Word that is new everytime my eyes fall upon it and to enscribe it on my heart and live by it.

Okay, I cannot believe that I keep forgetting to post this! Jackson and I have been blessed with a place to live rent-free!! Our friend, Scott, who was in our wedding has a house here in Castle Rock that he bought a couple of years ago. His plan was to slowly remodel it and then sell it for a tidy profit. Well last month he tore his bicep while fishing in Hawaii (you've GOT to meet this guy) and so he can't do any remodeling for at least the next 6 months. He's not living in the house and offered it to George to live there rent-free. George passed along the offer to me and Jackson and we are moving in this week. We are SO excited. It is perfect for our needs and I am so grateful to Scott and to God for this amazing blessing. My hope is that by the first of the year, I'll be able to give Scott some rent and bless him that way. So thanks for praying, y'all!!

Please Pray For Kim

2007-10-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

Kim and I have never met but she has commented on this blog and is going through a MAJOR trial of her own. She writes:
I am 33 yrs old with 2 daughters (ages 10 & 7) and a husband and found out about a month ago I have breast cancer. I am scheduled for a double mastectomey on the 25th with immediate reconstruction. I am scared to death but COMPLETELY trusting in God and He has given me such peace, strength and everything else I need exactly when i need it.
October 25th is quickly approaching. Will you please lift Kim up in prayer? I will be marking the 25th on my calendar but will also be praying, Kim, that God relieves your fear and the fear of your family so that you all can fully enjoy the days before your surgery. And I am praying for the complete removal of the cancer and perfect reconstruction. I thank God that he is so much stronger than your cancer!!

Photography and Insight

2007-10-16T15:47:00.001-05:00

I just had to share with you what I found on my camera:

Silly guy, he knows he's not supposed to play with my camera!

So I was thinking about a line from my previous post...that says something like "things are going well for me in comparison to the last 12 months". I realized that "things" aren't going well for me...it's that my perspective has changed, my heart is more full, and I value heart and soul more than how others perceive me. I have practically no income, no home of my own, and I'm separated from my husband, plus I just don't have the family I expected to have. But I'm happier now than I've ever been. Life IS good!

Almost 2 weeks ago, George and I filed for divorce. It was incredibly emotional but came as a result of George's telling me he didn't want to continue working on our marriage. So we met at the court house and filed together and it was almost as surreal as leaving Griffin with the funeral home director. I was pretty much a bawling wreck. George and I cried in each other's arms in the parking lot and he was very open about his feelings. We decided to continue meeting with Karl and formulate a plan that works for both of us. Karl has been out of town a lot, so we will finally get to meet with him on Thursday. I am scared to believe God for a miracle. I'm afraid of putting my heart out there and it getting slammed again. Please pray that I'll just trust God. Not necessarily trust him for what I think I want, but for his best for me. This is really, really hard!

So the Angela Thomas book was great. I love her perspective and am so glad I ran to God back in April instead of living in bondage for one moment longer. I am helping to start up the women's ministry at my church, Plum Creek Community Church, and have recommended that we offer one of Angela's bible studies next year. A Beautiful Offering sounds like one I'd enjoy leading.

on becoming a television junkie

2007-10-14T14:49:00.000-05:00

Y'all, I am procrastinating. I realized today how bad it has gotten when I thought to myself, "Okay, it's Sunday. What's on TV tonight?". Having existed for quite some time with just rabbit ears, I find myself intrigued with the clear picture my friends' Direct TV service gives them. And truthfully, not only am I intrigued with their reception, I am intrigued with OTHER PEOPLE'S FAKE LIVES!!! Oh heavens.
I guess it's because I'm comfortable. I've done a lot of hard work where my marriage and Jackson are concerned, and I've learned a lot about God and about myself. I am passionate about God. I am passionate about others' relationships with God. And I'm fairly comfortable with my spiritual life.
Comfortable is scary. Things are going well for me in comparison to the previous 12 months. But I know God is calling me to more. I look at my Bible, and quite frankly, I am afraid. That said, I desire to know what God is wanting to teach me. And I know it's good to take breaks for renewal...and I feel I've done that. But now it's time to dive back in. And I just don't feel like it.

Proverbs 24:12 says Don't try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn't know about it. For God knows your hearts, and he sees you. He keeps watch over your soul, and he knows you knew! And he will judge all people according to what they have done.

I know I have a responsibility to fervently seek what God is doing and how he plans to use me. Truly, my desire is to be obedient. Because I know that to be obedient is to be blessed. Plus, I love God.

Psalm 119:45 says I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.

So in my pursuit of freedom accessed only through Christ, I will have to lay the clicker down. And it's not that it's the television that I'm so drawn to, it's the brainlessness of it. It takes zero energy to watch tv. Sadly, I have found pleasure in laziness. And we all know, folks, that being lazy is sinful.

I'll give you all a marriage update this week. Please continue to pray for our hearts and that God's voice would be the loudest of all. Also, please specifically pray that I am a faithful steward of time and money, that my work schedule and blessings would really start to work themselves out this week, and that the Enemy will BACK OFF!

Thanks and I'm praying you have a passion-filled week.

Thanks Jen!

2007-10-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

A big thanks to Jen, who thought of me when she saw an ad in a church's bulletin (she and her hubby were visiting this church) for a Caretaker. Here's the ad:

"Position requires light maintenance work, supervision of contractors, and snow removal. Individual must live in guest house on property, which will be provided as part of the compensation. Estimate weekly time commitment is 5 to 10 hours. House is located just north of Castle Rock."

So...I know it's in God's hands, but could ya pray? Thanks!

Heart to Heart About Men

2007-10-08T13:34:00.000-05:00

I am copying an email I sent to some friends who are in rocky marriages...

A friend of mine recommended the above named book by Nancy Groom and I've attached an excerpt from it. I'm ordering it from Amazon and will read the other books she's written also. My major downfall in my marriage was my desire to control and change my husband's behavior. So I can completely relate to what she writes about!

God has shown me that my own pride has gotten in the way of Him being able to work on George's heart. I was unwilling to see my own sin...and imperfections. In Genesis 3:16 we are shown how the sin of Adam and Eve created a future of trouble for us wives. It says, Then God said to the woman, "You will bear children with intense pain and suffering. And though your desire will be to control your husband, he will be your master."

I'm now working on being authentic and transparent so that God can work on me. I'm the only person I have any control over!

I hope you enjoy the attachment.

Love,
Erin

Wearing White

If men retreat instead of move toward us with tender strength, we do not do them honor by ignoring their unkind or ungodly behavior. When men sin against us they sin against God who has called them to love us, and they distort the image of God in them. God doesn’t pretend their sin makes no difference. What makes us think it’s respectful to act as though we don’t mind?

Our usual response to man’s sin, however, is to try to control their behavior by shaming them or by speaking words to convince them how wrong they are, or by instructing them in how they ought to act. Generally, this approach disrespects men by moving the initiative for their behavior away from them and into our own hands. Because God honors our right to make choices about what we believe and how we act, we honor men by refusing to tell them what to do. Usually they already know what they should be doing. In any case, they are men, answerable to God regarding their actions. Our attempts to control them may, in fact, deflect their attention away from what God might want to say to them if He could be heard above our strident words.

Yet God also does not interfere forever with the consequences of what His children choose. Adam and Eve had to leave Eden when they ate the forbidden fruit. Hagar’s pregnancy caused Sarai incredible pain. Moses’ disobedience kept him from entering Canaan. The child born of David and Bathsheba’s adultery died. The people of Israel were exiled to Assyria, the people of Judah sent to Babylon. We are not God’s puppets, but neither do we escape His just judgment sooner or later. What we sow we reap. This is rich evidence of God’s respect for us as His image-bearers, held accountable for making our own choices.

The question is, Who is responsible for executing God’s judgment against men’s sins? “It is mine to avenge,” declares the Lord (Deut 32:35). But we women sometimes take it upon ourselves to rain down on men the just deserts of their misdeeds. We wrest judgment from God’s hands and bring on men the consequences of their sin. We make them pay for their wrongdoing by our harsh words or our martyred silences or our calculated acts of retribution. In this we dishonor both God by usurping His role as Judge and men by heaping shame on their heads. There is a better way.

We give evidence of our respect for men not by bringing them the consequences of their sin, but by showing them the consequences of their sin as it affects us. We can show them our sadness when they let us down. When they do not bring us their hearts, we can let them know how lonely we are. At whatever point they do not protect us, we can tell them about our fear. When they do not treasure us or when they value the wrong things in us, we can offer them our tears of disappointment. In short, we can bleed when they wound our hearts—not to make them pay for their sin but to let them see what their sin has done.

Perhaps the most respectful thing we can do for men is to don a new emotional wardrobe, wearing white so that the blood drawn by their wounding of us shows most clearly. Instead of our words, we can sometimes offer them our eyes. There they will see our hurt and pain and fear. This is not the same as sulking or withdrawing, which is revenge. This is about sorrowing in men’s presence when they do us harm, even as we continue to treat them kindly and remain willing to forgive them as often as they repent. We cry in front of them, but we refuse to close our hearts to them. We tell them how hurt or angry we are, then we prepare them their favorite meal. This is the hard work of the gospel God calls us to do, grieving as He grieves at our own sin, calling men to repentance and grace as He consistently does for us.

One woman put it this way: “When a husband hurts his wife, she must give him a picture of the gospel by weeping and then being kind, not in a condescending, manipulative way, but in a way that disturbs him. A husband will come to know more of God in a woman’s tears and kindness than in her arguments or acts of vengeance.”

Honoring and trusting men means we expect their goodness and are unwilling to ignore their unrestrained anger or verbal attacks or vindictive silence. We show we believe they can treat us kindly by standing unequivocally, even legally, against their physical abuse. Our failure to tell them we are hurt or afraid or repelled by their actions simply affirms what they already fear—that they are irredeemably bad men incapable of making godly choices. If we believe in men’s good intentions and in their desire to be good men (God looks on the heart and so should we), then our faith in them will be evident in our surprise and sorrow when they fail us. I know this is not the real you, our astonished sadness says. What will you do about the blood on my white dress you just drew with your harshness? If their hearts are indwelt by Christ’s Spirit, we are right to ask them to live out of the best parts of those hearts. Wearing white is not just respectful, it is redemptive.

Nancy Groom in Heart to Heart about Men
Nav Press, 1995

Get out of your head!

2007-10-07T19:16:00.000-05:00

1 John 2:27

But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don't need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you all things, and what he teaches is true--it is not a lie. So continue in what he has taught you, and continue to live in Christ.

The Filling of the Holy Spirit By Angela Thomas
There is a difference in the woman who is saved and getting by as best she can and the woman who is saved and living every day of her life filled by the power of the Holy Spirit. The first woman is a carnal Christian. And the second one is a spiritual woman. If we stay with our illustration, we’d say that the second woman is dancing. The first one continues to walk according to her old desires, and the other is being led by the Spirit of God. There is only one degree of choosing that separates these women. But as it turns out, one degree makes all the difference.
When you are saved, several things happen. The Holy Spirit has opened your heart to pay attention and receive the Word of God (Acts 16:14). God has called you and drawn you to believe in His Son, Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 1:24; John 6:44). The Holy Spirit has crucified the old sinful self (Galatians 5:24) and taken away the power of sin (Romans 6:6). Through repentance, the woman who is saved turns to Christ as her Savior and begins the process of setting aside the sins that have plagued her life. At the beginning of our life in Christ, we are spiritual babies.
Remember Paul’s words to the Corinthians:
Brothers and sisters, in the past I could not talk to you as I talk to spiritual people. I had to talk to you as I would to people without the Spirit—babies in Christ. The teaching I gave you was like milk, not solid food, because you were not able to take solid food. And even now you are not ready. You are still not spiritual, because there is jealousy and quarreling among you, and this shows that you are not spiritual. You are acting like people of the world. —1 Corinthians 3:1–3, ncv
We begin as babies, and it’s important for us to remember that God has great patience with new believers. He understands the weakness by which we begin. Just learning about grace. Only beginning to walk by faith and battle our old sin patterns. The very good news is that there is hope for those of us who struggle in earnest to become women of great faith. There is a place in Christ for the stragglers and beginners and stumblers.
But Scripture says that even though we come to Christ as beginners and stumblers and live a lifetime as just women covered by grace, from our gratitude for God’s magnificent grace to us, we are called to grow up in His mercy. To graduate from baby milk to solid food.
But becoming a mature, spiritual woman requires the next step of choosing. That one degree of difference is the way of becoming a woman of righteous confidence. The woman who is becoming spiritual is being filled and refilled by the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. The abundant, full life that Christ promises in John 10:10 comes to us from the full indwelling of the Holy Spirit in us.
I came to give life—life in all its fullness.—Jesus, John 10:10, ncv
I spent much of my life as a believer not understanding the importance of the Holy Spirit in me and through me. So I don’t mean to make this too simplistic. I don’t want to insult your intelligence or make any assumptions. It’s just that many women do not live in this fullness. If I could take you by the hand and, according to Scripture, walk you step-by-step toward understanding the gift of the Holy Spirit, here’s the way I believe we should begin.
The way out of the rut and into maturity is the step from carnal living over into a spiritual life of growth and becoming. Spiritual maturity is a gradual process by which Christ in us begins to subdue our old sin nature and we become more in tune to the Holy Spirit. The fruit of the Holy Spirit becomes more and more evident in our lives as we grow spiritually. Old sins lose their hold. And all this comes to pass as we learn to trust Christ more fully as our daily guide and real friend. Believing that Jesus is for us and learning to live out of that kind of love. This process of maturing happens as we step over into the work of the Holy Spirit.
The first question for us is this: Have you made a conscious decision to step from a carnal life into a spiritual life? Remember, there is one degree of choosing that separates the carnal from the spiritual. Both are saved, one living in power and one not. Before you go any further, stop and consider your own choosing. Have you decided to pursue a spiritual life? Have you consciously made the decision to surrender your heart and your life for the filling of the Holy Spirit? On this day, do you need to recommit to a fresh start?
Your Father so very much wants you to live in power and confidence. He waits to give all that you need. Would you step over today and give your heart fully to the process of growing and becoming a confident woman by the power of the Holy Spirit?
____________________
From When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas from Thomas Nelson Publishers. Copyright 2005.

Sometimes, you must stop thinking and and just start feeling.

That said, even the brainiest of intellectuals can live her life filled by the power of the Holy Spirit!

bring the rain

2007-09-30T15:49:00.000-05:00

I often find myself driving and steering the car with my knee because my arms are lifted, praising God while listening to music. Dangerous, I know...but at least my eyes are open!

Today Jackson and I were on our way to the book store after a nice hike, looking for pine cones to make bird feeders and Mercy Me came on with their song, Bring the Rain. Now, I've heard this song many times, but never really listened to the lyrics. I could not keep from crying while singing along as the words touched my heart and said exactly how I've been feeling.

I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed, long before these rainy days, it's never really crossed my mind
to turn my back on you oh Lord my only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory!
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain (praise God!)
You who made a way for me By suffering Your destiny So tell me what's a little rain?
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory!
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain
Holy, Holy, Holy Is the Lord God Almighty...

So, I found the CD at the bookstore...it's Mercy Me Coming Up To Breathe and I bought the acoustic version. Hold Fast is awesome too.

A big "Thanks" to those of you who are interested in Green Clean and those of you who purchased a skin care set. I am so humbled by your love and generosity.

And so many of you email me to let me know that you are thinking of me and praying for me and my family. Your emails make my day. And also, to those of you who email me asking me for prayer and bravely tell me about your own struggles, I think of you often and pray each time you come to mind. God IS your shelter from the storm. I pray you let Him hold you and love on you as only He can!!

So you can pray accordingly, George is no longer wanting to work on our marriage. After a really great counseling session last week, we had a disagreement that really needed to be worked through at our counseling session yesterday...but we didn't get to that session b/c George feels we are just too different to make this work. I fully respect his decision and am thankful that I didn't throw myself back into the relationship like I have in the past...because it didn't hurt so badly this time. The thing that tears me up is that I know Jackson wants his Mom and his Dad to be together. I KNOW that the best thing for him is for George and me to work like we've never worked on anything before at restoring our marriage. But I can't make George want to do that. Of course I still have hope in God and will wait and watch for what He plans to do in our lives, but I still have to prepare myself for being a single mom and for the pain that Jackson will endure. He prays every night that we will all be together again. It brings tears to my eyes every time because I don't know if it will happen.

I bought Angela Thomas' book, My Single Mom Life, today and in her introduction she writes, "Dear mom like me, I am absolutely sure this is not how it should be. The more years go by, the more I am convinced that my kids would do better with their mom and dad loving each other and loving them and all living in the same house together. But that is not my story, nor will it ever be, and so the question has become, how will this single mom live?" Sigh....

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers.

pictures

2007-09-27T11:24:00.000-05:00

this is the donkey we met when the truck broke down in Kiowa
Jackson made a crazy hat at the Castle Rock Art Fest

Jackson was sick with a really high fever the 2nd day of our road trip

Skin Care, Anyone?

2007-09-27T09:35:00.001-05:00

Okay, so this is humbling. Apparently another theme in my life. But what the heck? I am trying to raise money to pay off a loan that I took out YEARS ago to start my real estate biz...and for some stupid reason I didn't pay it off in full when I easily could have. They are offering to let me pay it off in full for 55% of the balance!! But I have to do it today--they might give me until tomorrow if I plead with them. Unfortunately, I don't have that much extra money sitting around right now. They, of course, suggested I borrow money to pay it off but I have no interest in robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'll earn the money, thank you very much.

For the last 2 years I have been an Arbonne consultant. My plan was to work it part time until I had replaced my real estate income. Time proved that Arbonne was not a good fit for me...even though I'm a natural sales woman it just didn't feel quite right. I still use the products because they have worked wonders on my skin and because each and every ingredient is safe and beneficial. Arbonne uses many botanical ingredients.

So, I have 7 anti-aging skin care sets to sell and figured I'd offer them to you all as well as the people on my list to call today. The sets consist of 7 anti-aging skin care products and retails at $300. I'm offering them for $250. The set should last at least 6 months and is best for skin that is dry and/or aging. If you're interested, let me know via the email link on my profile. Also, you can check out www.arbonne.com for more info.

I'm hopeful that I can take this lender up on their offer b/c it would be a huge burden lifted. I don't enjoy being a slave. I know it's small, but please pray God provides the money today.

Thanks y'all!

News

2007-09-26T22:04:00.001-05:00

I keep wanting to post but haven't taken the time to sit down and actually do it.

I cannot believe that yesterday marked 4 weeks since Griffin's death. It seems like time has flown by. I'm doing well. I was depressed for a couple of weeks...lots of fogginess and a feeling of being overwhelmed. So overwhelmed, in fact, that the simplest of decisions were impossible for me to make. The past week has been much better with less fogginess each day. My energy level is closer to normal. Instead of needing to sleep by 1:00 in the afternoon, I feel great until about 7:00 pm and then I sort of hit a wall.

About a week and a half ago I had the idea of cleaning houses for "right now" money to tide me over until my real estate biz takes off again. I use eco-friendly products to clean my own house, so I thought I'd use those products and advertise myself as "green". The more I've thought about it and talked about the idea with friends, the more I think this could be a long term business. So I'm getting it going this week and I'm calling it Green Clean. Catchy, eh? I'm looking for clients...so if you or someone you know is looking for a cleaner house, let me know! I meet with Heather from Fuller on Friday to discuss my plan of action on that front. I'll let you know how it goes.

As for my family, we are doing well. Jackson got moved up to Pre-K at his school because he had already mastered the preschool skills. He seems to enjoy this class much more than the other. He is very intrigued with outer space and his class just happens to be blasting off into space this Friday! George and I met with our old pastor and friend last week for counseling. It was a very good session, very open and honest. My plan is to be separated for at least 6 months and go to couseling once a week during that time in hopes of restoring our marriage. The separation in not a negative thing, I feel it is just as important as counseling. Please continue to pray for healing.

I am currently reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship. So much of this book parallels what God has been teaching me. It's not an easy read, I have to be very focused or else I don't absorb the ideas. But I'm definitely enjoying it. I figure God is showing me my sin on such a regular basis (like daily) for a good reason. It's quite humbling...something I haven't been (humble, that is). I'm very eager to be used and I don't have any hopes or aspirations for how God uses me. I just want to make a difference for him. I know there are ways that I am used every day, but I'm feeling there is a clear call on its way.

Anyway, I don't have any life changing insights for you today. I write that with a laugh, because I know that's not what you come here for. So thanks for checking in anyway. :-)

Stripping for Freedom

2007-09-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

It is true, I have been stripped. Stripped of myself...but myself keeps trying to build up so the stripping is ongoing.
Here are two Scriptures that identify the central theme of my life right now:

Romans 12:1-2 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Galatians 5:16&25 But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

Jesus Christ = Freedom

Does this seem like an elusive equation to anyone else? Why does it have to be so hard to grasp? Why do Christians, pastors, churches, and theology tend to get in the way of people finding freedom through Christ? Why can't it just be SIMPLE? Accept Christ, experience freedom, respond with excitement and joy.

I wonder what percentage of Christians are really living free. It's probably a number below 50%, wouldn't you guess? I mean, seriously, Christianity is NOT the fastest growing religion.

Where do we get so lost on the journey? Why isn't it a "journey of desire" all the time? I wonder if people realize when they start this journey that it will be a battle. A battle between our flesh and the Holy Spirit. I certainly didn't know about the battle...I thought my salvation was the beginning and the end all at once.

Anyway, the verses above permeate my being daily. I count myself among the very blessed because I have been allowed to experience great pain and loss and at the same time experience the power of the Holy Spirit and the love of my Father. This experience is not something I want to become a distant memory. I have learned A LOT from the hard stuff. And I don't want to forget the lessons learned...because I know without a doubt that if I forget them, I'll have to relearn them and that's just pure stupidity. But also, God has so graciously given me the opportunity to live a different kind of life. An organic life, as I tend to think of it. I feel all natural and pure. Without additives, if you will. And you'll have to, because this is my blog.

My greatest desire is to live a life that pleases God. I really love him! And it is so true what John says...that I love him because he loved me first. My second greatest desire is that others realize and know God's intense, unfailing love for them. And also that others will live in his will, always seeking to live by his Spirit. Because it is FOR God, but because he loves US, we get to experience true FREEDOM!!!

Is this even making sense? I'm going to be studying more about this whole freedom thing and making notes and hopefully my thoughts will become clearer.

Anyway, I hope you're living free. And if you're not, I want you to know that you CAN live a life of true freedom!

Jennie Garth

2007-09-13T15:22:00.001-05:00

This is cracking me up today. Last week I informed my friend, Lisa, about what had happened with Griffin. People are always amazed at what life has brought me over the last 6 months...and it is a lot, but it's really not too much to handle. So Lisa and I were laughing about how my life could be made into a Lifetime Original Movie starring Jennie Garth as Erin Szczerba. I guess there a lot of juicy details...and MANY I am not permitted to share here on this blog!! So anyway, it's just cracking me up today because I literally thought, "No, I'd rather it be Tracy Gold." Seriously. I am a dork.
But along those lines, I think often that I can't wait to find out how the story ends! I feel like I do have a great testimony as far as having peace and joy through the pain and suffering that I've endured. Because, you know, that's only because of God. But I also think that this particular story isn't over and I cannot even imagine what might happen between now and then...but I'm waiting in great anticipation to find out. And maybe it won't end, maybe this is just the beginning of the rest of my life. And now, my friends, I must stop because that sounds like the intro to a soap opera.
Adrienne prayed for me yesterday evening when I called her pretty overwhelmed. And what she asked of God was just what my heart was wanting, "a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel". So y'all, if you could also be praying that God would give me a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, I'd be ever grateful.

Listening

2007-09-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends,
I am continually humbled by how many people are praying for me and my family. Thank you all SO much and thank YOU, God, for being God.
Okay, so I went into Fuller yesterday morning to meet with the agent who I talked to a few times last month about teaming up with. As it turns out, she feels strongly that I should continue to be my own agent (instead of her Buyer agent) because of my past success in sales. She is, by the way, the 3rd person to say this to me in the past 5 days! Also, the market has slowed down considerably with the latest news from the lending industry. This slow down is only temporary, but this agent truly does not have enough buyers to support having a Buyer Agent. So I found myself in the office the HR director, whom I had spoken to on the phone many times, talking again about salaried positions. Once again, I'm looking at a transaction manager position and a personal assistant position. I have no idea what to do at this point. I know I work best for myself and that I can rebuild my real estate business, it is really just a matter of financial means to get me through the next 3-4 months. On the other hand, the personal assistant position is for a woman who sells $60 Million in real estate every single year. I would certainly learn a lot from her!! But let's say I give her a 1 year commitment: That is another year out of touch with my clients.
I'm really wanting to just listen to God and see where He guides me, but there certainly is some pressure to hurry up and decide!! I do, afterall, need a paycheck at some point. Right now I'm feeling like I should go ahead and interview for the 2 salaried positions and in the meantime, activate my license so that I can work with anyone who wants to work with me. :-) Anyone out there looking to move soon??
Also...I have felt that with all that has happened over the last year, that God is preparing me for something. Something. That's all I can figure, but I have also felt for the past 3 years or so, that I would be making a pretty big career change. So, I'm completely open to seeing how this decision will eventually lead me to something else. Oh, now the sentence is longer! Something...else.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. I find myself longing for a happy family and a baby. I wasn't prepared for being pregnant this last time, but I embraced it and was so looking forward to Griffin's arrival. Castle Rock is full of babies so everywhere I go I see them and they are so darn cute and my desire for a 3rd child seems to continually increase. At night I look at Jackson when he's sleeping and wish we could have seen Griffin at all the great baby stages. Jackson talks about him everyday. I'm so glad he does. When I imagine what Griffin would have looked like with hair, I picture him with golden blonde curly hair. I asked Jackson yesterday if he thought Griffin would have had straight hair or curly hair and he said frankly, "Curly". We're probably right. :-)

I have to tell you that it is so comforting to know that my God who I talk to all day long is looking at my son. And that my son has met my Saviour. He has done what I cannot wait to do...to see His face, to fall at His feet, and thank Him for rescuing me. And that, I hope, Griffin has met my Grandma, Marjorie, who was the MOST awesome Grandma in the world. These are prime Grandma years and mine was so loving and full of wisdom and I often think how great it would be to sit and talk with her these days. So I really hope Griffin is getting to sit and talk with her and become completely smitten with her!

Learning to Walk

2007-09-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

Hmm, it seems I may have left out some details. :-)
George decided to move back with us instead of waiting until he had a job. So he's back, living with some friends, and searching for a job.
Truthfully, I was hoping we would have a couple of months of physical separation...and I wasn't prepared for the termination of benefits and his lack of income. On the other hand, it would have been very hard on Jackson to be away from his Dad for an extended period of time. Still, it is extremely hard on Jackson having to split his time between 2 parents...it seems he was expecting us to live together in Colorado.
I am having a hard time being back in Castle Rock in a totally different situation than when I left. I am freer now because I am not trapped in a lie of a marriage. But my boundary issues are magnified and I am fighting a mental battle with myself. I have learned that I desire reconciliation no matter the cost. I think, though, that God is faithfully reminding me of how I have been hurt and what is truly good for me and what is not. George now wants to work on things...but I just don't have any trust left. It will take a total tranformation in his life for me to feel safe with him.
There is just so much junk that I wish I didn't have to deal with and it is pretty overwhelming. I am looking forward to going to church tomorrow for some corporate worship. I love talking to God in that setting. And I love listening to Him in that setting too!

It's Saturday...

2007-09-08T11:33:00.000-05:00

So I've basically slept since Wednesday. I didn't realize how tired I'd be...and then my mom reminded that I've been on bed rest since August 1st and spent 5 days in the hospital then drove across the country and now I'm back in high altitude. And of course I thought I'd just jump back into life as I knew it.
So this morning I woke up and decided to give my lungs a little work out and took my friend's daughter for a walk on the trails in the neighborhood. It was a beautiful morning...the sun is always shining in the morning, unlike Virginia's moody skies. The walk felt great and I felt great so I finally started unpacking and organizing our "area" in our friends' house. I feel like a new woman!
I also had a fun night last night with a friend who used to cut my hair. Her salon hosted a Rack n Roll clothing party so I enjoyed trying on cute, expensive clothes and then putting them all back on the rack and enjoying a glass of wine. We were getting hungry so we went to a little hole in the wall in Castle Rock and enjoyed some fries and onion rings. My friend lost her husband to ALS last year and she has a 4 year old also...so we talked a lot about the process of getting through a hard time.
I start work on Monday and Jackson starts school. Please pray that we both adjust well!
Also, I really need to find a more permanent place to live. My friends that I'm living with are great and the setup is great, but it's temporary. So if you know of anyone with a basement apartment or mother-in-law apartment in the Denver area, please let me know! And keep your ears open (is that even a saying?) for a long-term house-sitting positition if you don't mind.
Well, it's time to go pick up Jackson from George's and then head to the art fest. Should be a good time.
Thanks again for all your prayers and encouragement. It is so good to know I have so many people helping me carry my burden.
Oh, and as soon as I find my USB cable, I'll post some pictures of our road trip!

Miracles and Mourning

2007-09-05T07:56:00.000-05:00

Did you know that Colorado has THE most beautiful sky? It's so BLUE!!!

I want to give you all a run down of how things went at the hospital so that you can know how powerful your prayers are.

On Saturday morning (the 25th) I woke up to a gush of blood. I changed my pad and soaked through it within 45 minutes. I also thought I might be having contractions. Griffin was always a strong kicker, but I was feeling a tightness that resembled Braxton Hicks. George had helped pack the night before and stayed the night so he was at the house. I told him about the bleeding and contractions. We decided to go to the hospital even though I was sure they'd check me out and send me home with a prescription for more bed rest. So we got to the hospital and they took me up to Labor and Delivery instead of to the ER. And then it was pretty clear that I'd be there at least overnight. I was dehydrated so they started an IV and then decided I needed to be on a catheter because every time I got up to go to the bathroom, I leaked a ton of blood and sometimes large clots.

I called my mom to let her know what was happening. She and my Dad were in Pennsylvania for a wedding that weekend and she was supposed to fly home to Texas that Sunday and then fly to VA on Tuesday. I figured they were only 4-5 hours away and so asked if we could figure out a way to get her to VA on Sunday. So my aunt drove my mom down to the WV/MD border and George and Jackson drove up to meet them. By this time, the doctor had informed me that I would be staying at the hospital on bed rest until my bleeding had completely stopped for 48 hours. My instructions were to drink a lot of water and be very still. I thought, "This I can do. I WILL get out of here!"

Later in the afternoon on Sunday, I had a gush of blood while lying down and called in the nurse to check it out. She thought it looked pretty watery and was concerned I might be leaking amniotic fluid. The doctor came in and we talked about the risks involved with that. This is when I first became scared. As they were wheeling me down to ultrasound, I actually thought to myself, "This doesn't feel right. I feel like I shouldn't be pregnant anymore. I'm afraid for my life." Then I felt really morbid and selfish for even thinking that! The ultrasound showed that my amniotic fluid was really low...measuring 9.3 and the normal range is between 8 & 20.

By this time our main concern was hemorrhaging. I was at an extremely high risk for having a total bleed out and dying within 3 minutes. With the knowledge of the low amniotic fluid came the concern of my contracting an infection. Those two things combined were very scary for me and my family. That night I had pictures of Griffin so small and wrapped in a blanket in my arms...but not alive. I couldn't understand why I was seeing something like that b/c I am normally such a determined, positive person. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to not be pregnant anymore in order to stay alive. So I accepted the images of Griffin...and they weren't scary. They were completely peaceful.

I had another ultrasound Monday morning and found that the amniotic fluid had decreased to 4. Not good. The doctor came to talk with me and George around noon and told us that it did look like I had a tear in the amniotic sac and that Griffin would not survive, and that I would only survive by delivering Griffin. I felt prepared for this news, but George was not. He had a hard day. My doctor had been in contact with a Dr. Chisholm at UVA Medical Center in Charlottesville who said I needed to be there and he could take very good care of me and Griffin. He apparently was very skilled at delivering non-viable babies vaginally with a placenta previa. It would be similar to a DNC but keeps the babies "in tact". I know, I'm sorry for the vulgarity. So at 3:15 pm on Monday the 27th, I was transported to UVA.

Nothing happened once I got there because the team of doctors wanted to observe me and do their own tests. So I got poked and prodded and then given an ambien so I could sleep. :-)

The next day started with a bang as I was a high priority on this high risk L&D floor. Dr. Chisholm did an ultrasound and after what seemed like an eternity he said, "Well, I haven't seen your other ultrasounds but I know a lot of people saw that you had a placenta previa. But you don't have a previa anymore. Your placenta is completely off your cervix." We could not believe it. I just knew God had performed a miracle overnight and had moved the placenta. Miracle #1!!

Next was my 3rd pelvic exam which are no fun anyway, but the tools he used looked large enough to jack up a car. So that was hard and painful and pretty much humiliating but necessary. He was hoping to get enough fluid to look for ferning, which would confirm that I was leaking amniotic fluid. At this point, the doctor was 95% sure that I was losing amniotic fluid, but didn't have any scientific confirmation. So he sat with us for a while and gave us a library of information on our situation. We were basically faced with the impossible decision between inducing labor which would terminate the pregnancy and waiting it out to see what might happen. With so little amniotic fluid, Griffin could not grow and develop healthfully. He would be severely handicapped, mostly likely with lung disease and the need for a respirator for the rest of his life. There were a multitude of other handicaps that I can't even remember. And he was 100% certain that I would contract a severe infection within 10-14 days. I couldn't make the decision to induce labor without knowing for sure that I was leaking amniotic fluid. So I told Dr. Chisholm that I wanted to do the amniocentisis and that if it confirmed that I was leaking amniotic fluid, I wanted to go ahead and induce labor. He was relieved by my decision because he also did not want to terminate my pregnancy without knowing for sure.

At 2:00 pm on Tueday the 28th, Dr. Chisholm injected blue dye into the amniotic sac and found that the sac was so empty that he could not extract any fluid for testing. He told me that if I was going to see blue spotting, it would be in 4 to 8 hours. So I prepared to wait. At 2:20, I saw blue. Miracle #2. Dr. Chisholm confirmed it and I said, "So now I just let you know when I'm ready to be induced?" and he said, "Yes, but there is absolutely no rush. I know how hard this is so you just take your time and let me know if you have any questions." Earlier I had asked him if there was an average amount of time it takes a woman at 20 weeks to go from being induced to delivering. Unfortunately, the answer was 24 hours. But I was at least comforted by knowing that I would be able to deliver Griffin without the need for intervention because God had moved my placenta.

After the doctor left my room, I was overwhelmed again with having to decide when to be induced for a labor that Griffin would not survive. I just didn't want to have to make that sort of decision!! At 2:30 I said to my mom, "I think I'm in labor." Miracle #3! And sure enough, within an hour I was asking for pain medication and by 5:00 I was asking for an epidural and then by 5:10 I was pushing (never needed that epidural!) and at 5:30 Griffin Jacob was delivered and even more beautiful than I had imagined he would be. I then held him, wrapped in a white blanket, and felt completely at peace.

The whole time I was in labor, I was thanking God for his extreme love for me that he took away all the hard decisions and made everything crystal clear.

Yesterday I took my mom to the airport after lunch and Jackson was asleep in the back seat. And I finally bawled my eyes out in mourning for my family. For my septic marriage and the loss of my baby. I had cried after the doctor told us we were going to have to make a heart wrenching decision and I had gotten teary eyed a few other times but I think my adrenaline was pumping overtime and it wasn't until I was alone and back in Colorado...back where things were so different a year ago...that the tears really came. I cried most of the way from the airport to the place where George is staying. He got Jackson out of the car and I got the car seat out and he asked if I was doing okay and I told him I was just sad about Griffin and I started to cry again. He was holding Jackson, who was still asleep, and opened up his arm to me and I fell into him, just letting it all out. I had been so sad that we weren't able to mourn Griffin together as his parents and I guess I just needed to cry with him because he lost his baby too.

Thank you for praying for us and lifting us up. I love hearing from you! Please continue to pray for the healing of our hearts and especially for the softening of George's heart toward me and toward God.

In Colorado!

2007-09-02T20:33:00.001-05:00

Hi Everyone,
I will write a more detailed update at some point (soon!) but just wanted to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers. God worked miracles in my life last week and I want to tell you about each of them. I am truly doing well and feel grateful that so many wonderful people were praying for me and my family.
We left Virginia Friday night and drove to Charleston, WV. On Saturday we drove to Topeka and today we arrived in Castle Rock. The trip was uneventful until we reach Kiowa, CO...about 30 minutes from Castle Rock. My mom and I were driving with Jackson in George's pick-up truck and it broke down. We're thinking it's the engine. So that delayed us 2 hours but we when we finally arrived in Castle Rock, Jackson got so excited and said, "Mom!! This is my home! I'm home!". :-)
Thank you again for praying for us. My little Griffin wasn't meant for this place and although I'm so sad that he won't be a physical part of our family, he will always, always be a part of who we are.