Ah...Summertime

I've never experienced a more beautiful summer than the ones here in Colorado.

The 1st weekend of June I spent time with my single mom friends in Keystone at a condo that was generously lent to us.

The 2nd weekend Jackson and I went camping near Steamboat Springs...on a lake.

And this weekend we're heading up to Estes Park with my parents and my aunt from Pennsylvania.

I am so enjoying having Jackson home from school when I'm not working. On his first day of summer break, I set out construction paper, scissors, crayons, markers, a ruler, and tape. While I had my morning coffee, he created a dinosaur. I was so proud! We've spent a lot of days at our pool and one wonderful day at a park that has a creek running through it. While the kids searched for crawdads, the moms lounged on blankets and chatted up a storm (surprise, surprise!).

I don't want to waste a single day.

Perfection

It's my vice. The pursuit of perfection, that is. I guess maybe I feel safe there. It feels safe to not screw up...and it feels safe to be an open book when there are no screw ups to share!!! Because, you know, I was all about exposure when I was walking through the fire 2 years ago. (2 years, I can hardly believe it!!) And obedience IS important to me...but obedience is very different from perfection.
I was starkly reminded not long ago that I AM NOT PERFECT. I was afraid at first, but then I realized that that means I need Jesus. Yep, still need Him!!! I am humbled, once again. I am reminded, once again, that I am no better than ANYONE ELSE. I remember, now, that Jesus came because I'll never get it right all the time.
When you're perfect, you can judge others. When you think you're perfect, you judge others. Yep, speaking from personal experience here!! On my most recent pursuit of perfection, I was judging others without knowing it. And then, I was judged. And it hurt...it hurt so deeply and the wound stayed raw for a long time. I was judged by a close friend, which I'm sure is why it hurt so badly. As I prayed about the situation, I realized that gossip only happens when you think you're better than someone else...and that's judgment. I am guilty of gossip. It wasn't until I was gossiped about that I realized I was gossiping too. Ouch.
God knows everything about me and He does not withhold his love from me. I now know how important it is to be honest about our screw ups...because they're real. They're part of who we are. Others can relate to us when we're open about the good AND the bad. But most importantly, God wants us to talk to Him about where we've failed and what we're struggling with. He already knows, afterall! But I know He so deeply desires that we share those things with Him. He sent His son to experience our suffering. In His death on the Cross, He participated in my suffering: past, present, and future. Who else has done that for me? I'm not going to pretend like I don't struggle...anymore.

I love my life!

Oh, the irony, eh? I literally think that almost everyday. "I love my life" or "I have such a great life". And truly, it is the perspective of life that I have because of Jesus. There are many who have more friends, more money, more vacations, a job that is WAY more fun, a cooler house, a better car, a husband who is also their best friend, smaller pores, less fat, leaner muscles, higher cheekbones, more eloquent speech, fewer wrinkles, or oceanfront property but without the perspective of True Life. No longer do I think, "If only I had _______, THEN I would be truly happy." I was beginning to fill that blank with "husband" but God quickly showed me that I was creating a false idol. I have Jesus. He makes everything more beautiful and gives me the Peace that all of mankind is striving for.
I am defined from the inside out. I used to be defined from the outside in. I can honestly say that I don't care what others think of me....they DON'T define me. Especially because what others think is in direct relation to what/who defines them and that is not in my control...AT ALL. God wrote an entire Book about His love for me. That's kind huge, don't you think? He defined me before He created the Heavens and the Earth. He's CRAZY about ME!!!! And you know, He's not surprised when I screw up. He doesn't ask me to be perfect. He knows it's impossible this side of Heaven. He just asks me to accept His gift of Jesus. Just accept it. Let it get inside me and transform me. I still don't know the enormity of that power. I want to know more of it!!
I SO want others to know that Jesus covered it ALL when He suffered so severely on the Cross. I want others to release their sorrow, pain, suffering, and stress to God. I hate that we hold onto all of our "stuff" when we don't have to!
Being defined by Christ means that I can say "yes" or "no" when that is what I really mean. I know that God has called me to a simpler lifestyle. I can easily get caught up in serving in several different ministries but that is not where God has called me. And so I can say "no" with confidence when asked to serve outside of where God has called me. That doesn't mean I'm not serving anywhere or only serving where I'm comfortable. It just means that I know I'm a better disciple when I'm not busy.
I am currently reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. My friend, Barbara, from Virginia gave it to me 2 years ago. I read the first 2 chapters, but it wasn't what I needed to be reading at the time. Now it is! Love that. In Chapter 5, he writes about simplicity of life.
"The fallacy here is blaming the complexity of our lives on the complexity of our environment. How many people have told me they would love to live on some remote South Sea island or get back to the good old horse-and-buggy days when Sunday was spent visiting Grandma and Grandpa on the farm? It doesn't work because we bring our feverish, unintegrated selves to these remote places. Simplicity of life does not depend upon simplicity of environment."
As Christians, we are called to live differently. The world prides itself on busyness. A full calendar tells us we have great worth. We are deceived!
Today, I am blessed to only work 3 days a week. I have time each day to read God's Word, a good book, and reflect on it. I have time to read to my kid and let him read to me. I have time to talk to and listen to friends and pray with them too! I have time to sit outside and watch my kid play with his friends. I have time to marvel at God's creation. I have time to pray with a group of friends every other week for an hour and a half. I have time to go back to school to pursue more of what God has for me in the hope that He will use me to impact others. Those 3 days of work bring in just enough money to maintain my new standard of living. I don't have a fancy house or a fancy car and I don't have a wardrobe full of the latest fashions. I live minimally but I still live a lavish lifestyle compared to most of the world. I value time more than I do possessions. That's a choice I made based on the lessons God has taught me. I have no desire to keep up with the Jones's. I doubt they are living a life of peace!
I love the simple life!

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

Did anyone else's April fly by? Crazy how that happens.

So...in dating, I encountered the, "I have a fear of commitment and your having a kid intensifies it." Sheeeeesh. So I dealt with that and I'm (pretty much) over it. Lesson learned: someone's ideals don't necessarily indicate the state of their spiritual life & SLOW DOWN. So I've done a lot more thinking about Mr. Man of My Dreams. And the more I think about it, the more I want the quote on the right hand side of my blog to be true for me.

The end of the last dating relationship led me to ponder my future. And the fact that I don't know how long I'll be single. Which means that I need to prepare for being single for a long time. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I am going back to school!! I will be starting at Colorado Christian University in July (I'm pretty sure) to finish my BS in Organizational Management with an emphasis on Project Management. That, I will use in Go Green Clean (exciting things happening there!). And what I hope to do after I finish my Bachelor's, is to go to Denver Seminary to get my MA in Counseling. So right now I am applying for scholarships and financial aid. And if you'd like to contribute to my education, I'm totally fine with that. :)

Jackson is doing absolutely fantastic. He's a math superstar!! Takes after his Mama and his GDad in that area. He cracks me up regularly with his witty comments and comebacks. For instance: a couple of weeks ago, he had a friend over. This little guy DOES NOT LISTEN. It is exasperating. So, when we were getting ready to go to the skate park and I had told him 3 times to get his shoes on and go ask his Dad if he could go to the skate park and he STILL HADN'T DONE IT, I raised my voice and said, "Conner, GET YOUR SHOES ON AND ASK YOUR DAD IF YOU CAN GO!!!" Then Jackson looked at me, smiled, and said, "Wow Mom! You're a GREAT yeller!" and I stared at him with my mouth open trying to think of what to say...but he filled the silence with, "You should keep practicing! Practice, practice, practice and pretty soon you'll be able to scare me right up the stairs!". And then I just cracked up.

Jackson is now with George 3 weekends a month, which means that I've had to figure how to incorporate more fun into my life. :) I had my first golf lesson last Saturday and LOVED it! I meant to go to the driving range yesterday, but got caught on the phone. Next goal is to learn to rock climb. There are lots of indoor climbing centers here in Colorado so a friend of mine and I are going to be going soon. Jackson is learning to rock climb at school through the Outward Bound program and that is something I'd love for us to be able to do together. Every summer that I've lived in Colorado, I have vowed to go camping. NEVER HAPPENED. But, oh, it will be happening this summer. A friend of mine and her family go camping lots every summer and they invited me/us to go along anytime this summer. So I'll be going in June and I can't wait!!!

Yesterday I saw that they are preparing our pool for its opening over Memorial Day Weekend!! Hip-Hip-Hooray! I love summertime.

I promise to post the Identity devotional this week. :)

Truth is Freeing

Thanks to all of you who have left your comments and sent me your emails regarding your identity. I will be working on a devotion these next couple of days and will be sure to post it here.
Your responses were very, very helpful! I am excited to use parts of them as examples to share with others.
Jackson is with his Dad this weekend so I'm spending time doing things I don't normally get to do. I sure do miss him when he's gone! That boy is precious.
Hope you're doing well and trusting God for big blessings in your life!

Identity: Is It Elusive?

In leadership at CBS (community Bible study), we can sign up to do the weekly group devotional. I am doing the devotional for the 2nd time on April 1st. I want to talk about finding our identity in Christ.
I think this is a hard thing to grasp unless you really do find your full identity in Christ.
Please, please, please help me out by sharing what it is about this that is difficult to grasp for you.
When you think about yourself, what influences your thoughts, words, and actions the most? Whose opinion do you care the most about? Why? Do you feel free to make choices based solely on being a child of God?
Thanks for your help, I can't wait to hear what you have to say!

Seasons Change, Y'all.

Sometimes it's hard to blog. Can you imagine? Often it's because of lack of time and other times it's because of lack of inspiration.
I've been journaling a lot lately so I guess that is taking the place of blogging for me.
I have a heavy heart this morning. One of my college roommates is going through almost exactly what I went through 2 years ago. I have cried many tears for her family. Despair is an awful feeling, even when you know the Lord. When you're walking in unknown territory, it's scary. It feels impossible to move forward. But I am thanking God that my friend has taken one big, frightening step forward. God will give us just enough light for the next step. He is so faithful is guiding us to a place of restoration, peace, joy, happiness, and freedom.
I was reading back through my blog, trying to find a post that might encourage her today. It is not easy to read back through those hard, hard months. The memory of the pain is always near! But I am on the other side now and I PRAISE GOD for that. As I was reading through the posts, Natalie was singing Held. Gosh, I love that song. I cry for the pain of others every time I hear it!
So...I am beginning to date. It's fun and totally scary at the same time. I'm no Elisabeth Elliott, that's for dang sure! But she is an encouragement to me and a mentor for this journey. I cannot express how thankful I am to have friends who are understanding about my situation. That just because they are married, they don't think dating is trivial and easy. My friends are holding me accountable, encouraging me, and praying for me...and they're interested in hearing the details!
I was talking to my Mom yesterday and she helped me to see that I have never been in a healthy dating relationship. Well, there was one in high school, but it was more that the guy was really healthy...and I was 16. So, what I am used to and have been expecting is not what I am experiencing and that is actually a good thing! The Lord has been telling me to be patient. That's not easy for me, I like to make things happen! But I am surrendering that desire everyday. I am also focusing on living in the moment instead of trying to figure out what the future holds. This was another suggestion from my Mom, and something I felt like I could really get my brain around.
I can feel a season of change coming on. I don't feel attached to anything at the moment. God has shown me that I need to step away from ministry for awhile and just participate in a Bible study so that I can really enjoy it. So after this semester of CBS, I'll be done for awhile. My Beth Moore study finished up a couple of weeks ago and that was a big relief. I felt like I was constantly doing homework, and not enjoying God's Word the way I have in the past.
So, that's what's up with me! Is anybody still out there? :-)